Having doubts that this is NPD- but so much matches up

[HollyG]

Hi there,
My husband fits the bill with many of the NPD traits and patterns. However, he cried when our daughter was born, he is affectionate toward her (when he isn't looking at his cell phone or doing something... she doesn't seem to be a priority), and recently I had enough and told him I'm done- can't do this dance anymore. He left, said he knows he's a-toxic person and is sorry for everything he did. I went for a walk w my daughter in the stroller while he was packing some things. Ran into him on way back.. he stopped and rolled down the window sobbing hysterically and looked at our daughter and said I love you.
This is where my heart absolutely broke. I never wanted to hurt him but he would not stop the behavior!
Next day asked to speak to me. In person. Came home, said he would go to therapy and do whatever it takes. His exact words were "I will fix this. I don't know what's wrong w me ". So far he has been much nicer and more attentive and really seems like he got a wake up call.
Can anyone give me their feedback on whether or not he sounds NPD and this is a Hoover? Bc the tears seemed real and I don't think he's devoid of all compassion. I'm walking around just waiting for the other shoe to drop bc my nerves are SHOT!

[1footouttadefog]

We cannot, of course, diagnose and your one post does not give much to work with. 

It sounds like you have looked into narcisism and find alot of parallels.  Trust your instinct that things are not right especially if he admits to it.  Your feelings and fears are valuable signals.   

If he has real empathy and has real contrition he could be some with narcissitic traits, or fleas from growing up around others who are.  He might also have another related, similar, or overlapping pd or be a covert narcissist.  OCPD cam have overlaps as well as the other cluster B PDs.  The diagnosis is not as important as being aware of what is abusive in the relationship and knowing you dont have ti endure abuse.

There is a tool box and resource section on this website.  Take a look at the 100 traits list.  Check off the ones you are dealing with. It will give alot of insight, it did me and many others.  Identifying and having names for the negative and abusive behaviours in the relationship is helpful in sorting things out.

If you decide to work in it, you can chose to do it while separated if that seems safer to you and best for the little one.  And remember you can still choose to end the relationship later even if he "works" on it now.

Working on it or going to therapy Is not a "get away with a lifetime being a jerk" card.

Be safe and keep the little one safe, stay strong and practice self care so you dont get overwhelmed by this added pressure on life especially while you have a little one. 

[Lookin 2 B Free]

Welcome, Holly.  As 1foot suggested, there's a wealth of information here.

My PDex could be very contrite and heartbroken, too, after losing it and setting a torch to the relationship.  Offering to do anything, any therapy.  I needed for myself to try that more than once. (Not suggesting anything for you here, just my story.)  In his case, the turnaround was always very temporary.  Then the scapegoating would start returning, he'd decide he had no problem at all and quit therapy, and soon after he'd become abusive.  In fact it was 2 couple's therapists who tipped me off that this was a PD.

One suggestion I got here that i wish I had heard years ago was to check out Lundy's "Why Does He Do That?"  It answered soooo many questions, even though it's mostly talking about non-PD abusers.  It does mention the pwPD, too.   You can sample it here if you have any interest:
https://archive.org/stream/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that_djvu.txt

I wish you luck.  Please let us know how you're doing.

[stormbrewing]

Hi HollyG, I have read a few of your posts now and I see so much of my experience reflected in your comments. I am starting to think that my uBPDh's tears and emotion are very real, but they are more about what he is losing (someone being available to make him feel loved) and not about the harm he has caused or is causing. It's not sorrow really, it's self-pity. When he does appear to see and acknowledge the damaging behaviours and the harm he does, which happens occasionally, it doesn't take long for him to swing around to blaming me for 'giving up on him and our future when I am all he ever wanted and he loves me so much'.

Therapy has made him feel better about himself, but his behaviours towards me are worse. He now feels justified in his behaviours because of his pain and his healing. Therapy has reinforced the idea that all that matters is his feelings, and that if I don't accept his verbal and emotional abuse then of course that means that I don't want him to get better. T has told him that I need to work on my over-sensitivity and stop expecting him to be perfect (which is how he interprets my attempts to establish boundaries). As others have said, he now also has the language to make his projections so much more credible to himself and to others.

I recently read the book by Lundy Bancroft that Lookin 2 B Free mentions. This book was life-changing for me, and really drove home that regardless of whether it's intentional or whether it's linked to PD, in which case it's possible that they genuinely don't understand what is wrong with their behaviour, the abuse is real.

In my experience the other shoe always drops eventually - most often sooner rather than later. Hope you're ok.

[tommom]

HollyG, just putting in two cents worth for the Bancroft book. My H- also I believe to be uBPD - also often sheds tears, often copiously. But as stormbrewing points out, it is the abuse you are living with that needs to be  your concern. My PDh is so capable of feeling utterly sorry for himself and becoming tearful. I noticed something a few years ago, though. He only seems to feel "sympathy" in situations that relate to him. I think that he must be crying or depressed if he is, once again, seeing himself as a victim.

I don't know if this book would help, but "How to Stop Caretaking the Borderline/Narcissist" by Marjoles Fjelstad was amazing for me too.

Best of luck.

[Eden13]

My BDP ex did a beautiful job of showing how sensitive he was, easy and convincing tears, deep emotion, apologies. In reality all that was driving there was either an impact to himself that he feared or was upset about, or a way to prevent one of those things happening by manipulating my reaction.
I thought he was the most sensitive, feeling, caring man I'd ever met. Until I realised he was doing the same to 4 other women at the same time, one of whom was a wife.