Fulcrum's introduction

[Fulcrum29SMT]

Hello everyone,

I've created an account on this forum because I'm worried for my sister, who's with a guy who shows all signs of being narcissistic. I know, she's an adult and that's her business, but I can't help feeling bad about knowing that someone close to me is in such a situation and that I'm not doing anything to help them. Plus, she did help me at some low points in my life, least I could do would be to return that favor.
The thing is that said boyfriend has been manipulating her to stay in this relationship by using her previous bad experiences with men (with arguments a la "look, I'm the only man you can trust, nobody else will treat you normally, you know that well") and the fact that he's quite well off and would absolutely, surely, without a doubt, be homeless should they not be together ; she isn't buying it entirely and complains about his abuses - he even managed to keep the relation alive after being caught cheating - but feels like there's some truth behind what he says, and is kept with him by a mixture of fear and of some remains of love when he does something "flashy" like taking her on a trip for a weekend (what he, of course, uses to spend impressive amounts of money in front of her).

I'd like to help my sister, although I don't now whether I'm crossing lines, being inappropriate, or just being a concerned younger brother... And that's why I ended up here. I hope there'll be a way to make that situation better...

[guitarman]

Welcome. You are not alone.

You may like to know about these YouTube resources about narcissism.

I have found the talks on YouTube by the author and counsellor Kris Godinez very helpful. She specialises in Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome and how targets of abuse can cope better. Her YouTube channel is called "We Need to Talk with Kris Godinez".

Other YouTube channels I've found helpful are "Doctor Ramani" and "Surviving Narcissism".

I hope this helps.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Welcome. You found a great place for information and support. Feel free to post as often as you want. I will be wishing you and your sister clarity on the best steps forward.   
 
Having a sister in an abusive relationship and wanting to help is something I understand all too well. It is actually hard on you too being on the outside of that relationship looking in and knowing what is going on. It is difficult to accept that your sibling is allowing something to happen that you know is not right. It can be hard to know what your responsibility is and wonder how can you just do nothing.
           
I think Guitarman gave you links to good info. One other thing I wanted to suggest is to instill boundaries of how much of your sister's situation you will allow into your own life. If you let it, this can take you down. Ultimately our sibling has to be willing to make the change for themselves. We can talk to them, listen, offer suggestions but they need to want it. If money in involved, that can make other things easy for them which can keep them there longer.  It might be more of a marathon than a sprint, so remember to take care of yourself too.
   

[veritas]

Welcome Fulcrum, it is great to see a family member wanting to help. My own family I keep uninformed because I am ashamed but I know they would be supportive of me. However, even though I am new myself I have seen how others have to deal with their own families not being supportive.

That being said, the best way you can help your sister is to listen. Keep learning about Narcissism but I suggest not sharing this with her. The reason I say this is that perhaps she may share what you have said with her boyfriend and this will in turn make him want to cut you out of her life entirely. If no negative portrayals of him come from you, he may not see you as a threat and you can still be connected with your sister. I know that as a sibling all we want to do is rescue them from themselves and others, but often that just serves to push them away further if they are not ready. Be a light in her life all the while being vigilant of him. Its terrible to say but its sort of like, "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer" mentality. You can only be of help to her if you are part of her life. If you intrude too much to his liking he will cut you off and use his money to poison your sister against you if necessary. I hope all of this made sense Fulcrum. Once again, kudos to you for being a family member who wants to be of help 

[11JB68]

I'd echo what everyone else has said.
I'm so close to leaving uocpdh, but it is not as easy a decision as it may appear to an outsider. One thing that is important to me is that I have one friend who is truly aware of my situation and has let me know that when/if I need to leave I can stay with her. (On the other hand she is quite assertive and opinionated and sometimes pushes too much that I should leave, it can be a little overwhelming, but I appreciate her honesty and support) I guess be supportive and honest but not too pushy... 🙂

[Fulcrum29SMT]

I'd like to thank all of you for your support, it's really something that helps me in these times! I'm really doubtful of the justness of what I'm doing as I'm the introverted, "never share problems" type and was afraid of overstepping boundaries.
I've started listening to Kris Godinez's talks on Youtube, and they're worth their weight in gold (well, if we are to combine bytes to grams, of course) and I hope that these videos and this forum are going to allow me to help my sister for good.