Money Disputes

[Deluded]

My udBPDh has not worked in over 10 years. Says his PTSD is too disabling and he can't get along with people. I have a great income and support the family but he should also contribute. My current problem related to that is he spends at least $400/month on cigars and wine but got angry at me when he found out I was giving $200/month to a charity.  Am I wrong to say regardless of what he thinks I'm going to give as much as he wastes to the charity of my choice?  It's always bothered me that he doesn't even agree with giving money to our church unless its tiny amounts.

[Starboard Song]

Am I wrong to say regardless of what he thinks I'm going to give as much as he wastes to the charity of my choice?

In those words, I think that would not be a model of de-escalation. But I think you were only saying it that way for us: you wouldn't say "regardless of what you think," or characterize 100% of his vice spend as "waste," right? It is OK for you to donate within your means to charity, and that is unrelated to his habits.

You are not wrong to give $200 a month to charity. That is generous but very reasonable. If you have a good budget and financial plan, and it shows that you can afford to donate $2,400 a year, awesome. Go for it.

[11JB68]

I have similar money issues with my uocpdh.
I make more. He insists on controlling the money. I get an 'allowance' which pays for his cigarettes (about 360/month) as well as gas, groceries, other necessities for the household (health/beauty/cleaning supplies)... I have to ask and justify any additional spending.

[notrightinthehead]

You are well within your rights to spend your money on whatever makes you happy. And if donating to a charity makes you happy, go for it! You are an adult, you support another adult with your income, it seems you behave responsibly and you can afford what you want to spend - I can see no reason whatsoever why you should not spend your money on what you decide to spend it on. Your husband has no right to reprimand you on your choices.

[tommom]

I have recently taken steps to stop this. I DON'T make a good income on my own, but it is now going into an account in my name. I have been open about buying dinner out of it, taking care of bills, but I will NOT have what I have had financially over the years. We (in my name) also have a small business together that contributes a bit to the income, and he has total input on that one, but I am done working for what he wants.

And to be frank, his financial choices usually are awful. Maybe always....

I don't know if it would work with you, but I have learned that if I simply show H that there is no way around it, no manipulation that will work, he tends to back off, He wears a hurt look, but life if hard, And if your partner really can't work, Deluded, then I hope he does most of everything in the home.