How do you get anywhere when they keep lying?

[Bunnyme]

My nbpdh is continually lying.  Lying about his job, his income, the fact that he is still going to drug rehab counseling and getting tested regularly.  I'm stuck in mediation, and I cant negotiate with lies.  I know it needs to go to court, but I have full physical and legal custody, so he knows he wont do any worse than where he is.  He is going to drive me to bankruptcy, not even paying for what we already have in our agreement.  I am feeling the full force of either being idealized or the enemy.  I'm mostly the latter because I didnt fall for the former and take his BS.  He has no money and is basically working part time.  He is going to go after my pension.  His family is wealthy and footing his legal bills, so I think this is a game of running down my finances until I cant fight when it is in court.  He has them totally believing that somehow I am to blame

[Penny Lane]

About the money side of it: In many places they will consider his earning capacity by looking at previous tax returns. He is trying to scare you by threatening your pension; talk to your lawyer, but there are more than likely ways to successfully counteract that.

About the lying: You're not getting anywhere in mediation. Push toward court. In the process you will be able to obtain actual documents and facts. He might be more willing to come to the table and be reasonable if you have the proof. If not, at least you're closer to court.

Also, . This sucks and I'm sorry you're going through it. It will eventually get better, but I know it's so hard right now.

[GettingOOTF]

What he thinks he’s entitled to and what he ends up with are two different things.

He’s an addict in active addiction. Lying is what they do. He’s also not living in reality because he’s living in addiction.  There is no negotiating or reasoning with an addict. It’s highly unlikely mediation will get you anywhere. He’s likely not even thinking as far as running your money down. He’s simply reacting the only way he knows how.

Ideally you need to find a way to accept the situation for what it is. If you keep trying to deal with him like he’s capable of rational thought you will lose.

What does your attorney say? My ex threatened to come after everything. I made significantly, like multiples, more than him and he had no 401k or savings. I walked away with my home and my 401k. He walked away with nothing. I paid off his credit card debt. I know women in my situation who are paying alimony to their exes, who had to sell homes and give away half or more of their 401k. I ended up with the settlement I did largely because  I accepted that my ex was who he was and that’s the person I dealt with. I stopped asking and expecting him to be rational or decent. He was neither of those things. Nor is your ex.  Yes it sucks that this is the father of your children but they are young. They have a future.

Liars lie. Your husband is a liar. He likely always was and he likely always will be. My ex has not changed at all. After I made it clear through my actions that I was done and no longer playing his games he lost interest.

It 100% does not matter whose fault it is in the eyes of his family.  Judges also don’t care about this in a No Fault state. I know it’s hard but try not to get hung up on proving things that have no impact on your future. Work with your attorney on what your absolute non-negotiables are and work on a plan to get them. Everything else is noise. You can deal with it after the divorce through therapy, hitting pillows or simply building your own life.