Ruminating

[Lauren17]

Does anyone have tricks to get their PD out of their head?
I've decided to stay with uBPDh until DD is at university. I'm using the tools and am working on emotional disengagement. But it's hard. And the insults and passive aggression continue regularly.
I've found that I spend too much time mentally reviewing each insult. Sometime I fantasize telling someone about them and how they might reply in my favor. I know this isn't healthy, but I can't get myself to stop. Distractions (reading, working, DIY projects) help until the activity is over, but then my brain goes right back to the latest emotional hurt.

[11JB68]

Have you tried writing in a journal? Only of course if you can keep it safely private

[LemonLime]

I have the same problem.
I understand that one method that is effective is to catch yourself ruminating, and as soon as you do, replace the rumination with another thought.  Say, a more positive thought like "counting blessings now" or "noticing now how wonderful the soup on the stove smells".
Interrupt your rumination as often as possible and the neurons in your brain will learn more positive connections, rather than the "rut" they've been in.

Mindfulness will likely help.

[11JB68]

Hoping I find a way to say this that doesn't seem argumentative...
While I see value in not ruminating, I guess I'd rather channel it and acknowledge the feelings.
I see the value in a positive thinking approach, yet I feel like for years I did something like that and ended up more mired in the FOG

[LemonLime]

Dr. Ramani has a video on this subject on You Tube.  Check into Ruminating about Narcissist in the search tab

[athene1399]

Sometimes I find it helpful to mentally work through why I am bothered by what they said. Like figuring out that something triggered my wound of them ignoring my feelings or feeling devalued. Then I figure out how I can get what I need, like by reminding myself that I am good enough and that they are dysfunctional and can't give me what I need.

I also channel it psychically. Like I work out and sometimes use that energy during the workout to "get it out" if that makes sense. I usually feel better after. Or I do something nice for myself or clean the house. Something that gets the negative energy out and replaces with positive. Like something I do to feel like I accomplished something.

Try different things and see what helps you to feel better and to get past the "stuck points" that you are ruminating on.

[Lookin 2 B Free]

I have contact with my PD FOO which can occasionally leave me spinning, (usually with anger.)

I've been finding the old "chair work" technique to be really helpful lately.  Somewhere alone, I imagine them sitting in front of me and I just tell them all the stuff I have to say while imagining them listening and not talking back.  Things like "I am SO angry with you for _____!!!!!  (might be something from many years ago even)  I deserve to be treated with respect!  I didn't know what to do then, but now I do.   If this happens again, I'm doing ____!"   It doesn't have to be anger, but it often is lately.  It can start out with a sentence or two and end there, or go on for however long the energy wants to be blurted out.  No one hears me, so who cares how I sound? It takes a different path each time. I used to always try to be Ms Light & Love with this, but I've found that's not nearly as effective for me as just "letting it rip."   

I can express myself in a way that wouldn't work (or maybe even be appropriate) in real life,  release a lot of the pent up energy,  and it often ends up bringing out things I wouldn't otherwise realize.  Sometimes I go on to communicate a boundary with the real person (but in a reasonable tone).  Or if nothing else, I seem to feel more empowered and settled with them the next time I talk with them. Like I've closed the loop on my side. It's strange how imaginary work like that can shift the energy for me with another.  Then I usually feel freed up to go on with my day.

[Happypants]

I'm not sure I'm in a position to give advice as such seeing as rumination is my biggest struggle.  But some realisations have helped me:
When I'm ruminating I'm repeatedly invalidating myself while searching for validation  , it's a vicious circle for me personally;
Even if i ever came to a solution/understanding of a situation through rumination, there'll only ever be another one to ruminate over (along with the ever-present list of historical situations) - acknowledging this is key to the helpful realisation that they are NEVER going to change - whatever i am ruminating over wont be the last time, regardless of how i behave towards them;
I've used up (not wasted, it was a necessary but begrudged part of the journey) a huge amount of precious time and energy ruminating, not to mention sabotaging my health - now i know they'll never change, i can try to choose to use my time to do something else, so I'll write the misdemeanour or epiphany down so i can revisit it later if i need to;
Ruminating is addictive - i try to tell myself that my job (in helping myself) now is to observe what's going on and spot the predictable pattern of behaviour as that's where validation now lies.

It's incredibly difficult, i know.  Sending hugs x

[hhaw]

A good trauma informed T can give you the tools to regulate your emotions and thoughts while navigating the remaining time with your PD, IME.

You can say you have stress over Covid and need to see someone to help manage that stress....or say it's hormones, etc.

[Lauren17]

This is wonderful advice.
I agree that thinking through a situation and working out my feelings and responses is important. What I'm having trouble with is the endless mental loop that I can't seem to break out of.
I've been trying find a phrase to use to interrupt the cycle but can't seems to find one that clicks.
I like chair work idea. And I'll definitely check out the podcast. Thank you!
I've been searching for a therapist (what a miserable process). But I've been hiding it as I don't want to explain why or take the invalidation and mocking that will come with it. I love the idea of using hormones as the reason to go. He won't touch that!!

[Free2Bme]

Hi Lauren17,

My Phd is in endless mental loops    ....and struggled with it for a long time.  I don't have the perfect antidote, and certainly a trauma informed T would be your best bet.  When I realize I am doing this, I ask myself what is to be gained by this mental marathon I am running?  Will it change the outcome of x, y or z?  Because many times with PD's, there is no solution.  This is something that must be accepted, or the cycle continues.

I had to look at it as I have a finite amount of emotional/mental/physical energy in my energy bank every day.  Life requires energy.  If I am draining my reserves on my spinning thoughts, then I will not do the things I need to do, resulting in more stress, unavailable to my precious children, work, home, etc.  It requires awareness and a commitment to taking care of yourself to stop the looping thoughts.  I really struggle with this at night because I wake up (insomnia) .......and here we go.

It may help to designate a day/time to do this,  "Thursday, at 3:00, I will think about this for 30 minutes, then I'll stop".  I don't know what a T would say to this, but it has helped me to reign in my thoughts and be more in control of the off and on time.

We build neuron pathways in our brains, like super highways to whatever thoughts we think upon regularly.  I believe we can change the map in our brain by changing the thought pattern to something different/better, building new (healthier) neuron pathways. 

It helped when I divorced and could finally be alone to process.  I returned to myself, if that makes sense.

Yes! finding a therapist is a miserable process.  I like it about as much as shopping for a bathing suit!

Sending you strength and peace today !

[hhaw]

L17:

Often my emotional looping involves a struggle to accept something I can't change. 

If I relax into acceptance, check my body for stress/ pain and tend to it gently....breathing deeply....focusing on filling my lungs from the bottom up....pooch out my tummy, then spreading my ribs then filling the top.....like a vase....then exhaling slowly.

I check the pain/ tension about every 10 breaths.  Usually it helps.

I realize I have the choice to utilize a worry worry worry coping strategy OR do what I can in the moment, put the story on the shelf and go back to being present in the moment......present in the moment feels
SO
MUCH
BETTER, IME.

[athene1399]

Often my emotional looping involves a struggle to accept something I can't change.

Thank you for sharing this, hhaw. I think this is true for me as well, but I've never thought about it like this before. I'll have to keep that in mind and work on acceptance of what is.

[1footouttadefog]

What helped me with running things over and over was to think about why his words hurt.  I would then think about the fact all people have things about themselves that are vulnerable to such attacks.  The issue was not being vulnerable but that the pd is willing to attack. Normal people dont exploit vulnerabilities of those close to them.  They protect or strengthen them.

I would also think about how if a stranger said the same things it would not hurt and would focus on why I was allowing him the power to hurt. Why did I value the opinion.  Why was he being given that position still.  This helped with the emotional distancing.