Has she turned a corner? Time will tell.

[Samuel S.]

Has she turned a corner? Time will tell.

Now that I am 20 pounds less than I should be due to any number of reasons (stress, teaching and tutoring 7 days a week with breaks in between), my wife is cooking things galore filled with protein. She has never done this before, but she asked when am I going to have my colonoscopy doctor appointment which is this coming Wednesday. She is the same person who complains up a storm and resenting having to cook while I have suggested that I buy salads filled with chicken which she finally did today. She is the same person who has put down doctors and also saying that everything is okay.

So, this is a major turn around for her. While I truly do appreciate the attention and finally recognizing that I might have some medical issues, I can't help but think about all the years of degradation of who I am and for me being an advocate for my own health.

Sure, you can say not to look a gift horse in its mouth or however this expression goes. But, I just wonder that once all these medical issues are over, if she is going to just revert to her degradation of me again. I don't know, and you don't know. I just wish that the attention could have been throughout the years "through sickness and health".

Have any of you had similar experiences? If so, was it a permanent awakening to ultimately change for the better, or did they revert to their old, horrible ways?

[Samuel S.]

Well, this change of heart by my PD wife was definitely short-lived!

Last night, she returned from work, complaining about her customers and complaining about how she feels compelled to complete her doctorate degree in a semester so she can save money. She doesn't want to spend an extra $3,000 and be less stressed. She said that she could complete her work, but it's going to take a lot more time. Also, she said that a friend of hers who is an acupuncturist needs her help, and my PD wife is ready to do that. To top it all off, she is trying to prepare meals for us and to her daughter in different ways. Granted, this is a lot to do, although this is what she wants to do and does not like taking suggestions to remedy things.

After saying all that, she had the nerve to say the following last night: "You and my daughter deter me from doing what I want to do". I responded with "I'm sorry" to which she said: "I will make it." Considering the major sacrifices I have made for her, considering how much S*** I have taken from her, that one word "deter" that she said, from the "soulmate" I was told I was, that word bothers me immensely, and I am more compelled now to work with a counselor to move out. At the same time, I am extremely concerned about the financial implications of this move and where to move. It feels very overwhelming, but I need someone, a counselor, to help me, to resolve my feelings, to guide me, and to restore my life.

[1footouttadefog]

Maybe you should stay and let her be un-deterred to head off where she chooses.

But if it brings peace sooner and if you can afford it move on.  Maybe she can find out she is un-dettered to pay the mortgage while you pay rent on new location.

I hope you the best which ever oath you decide leads to peace.

[Lookin 2 B Free]

To this:  "a counselor, to help me, to resolve my feelings, to guide me, and to restore my life."  Amen!

A good T is worth her/his weight in gold, IMO, to help us get unstuck.  We all deserve some help with that!

[Samuel S.]

I saw the gastroenterologist today who ordered some tests which I mostly completed today. I have a CT scan of my stomach and pelvis areas very soon and then find out the results on October 7th. So, hopefully, I find out some answers then. He said I may need a colonoscopy as well, depending upon the results. Whatever it takes, I am for it.

Meantime, my underminer, my wife, is only lukewarm to all of this, but seems to just go along with it without really being supportive. She didn't even go to the doctor with me, because she had a dental cleaning. UGH!

Well, that's just standard for her!

[Samuel S.]

Like a swing, my PDwife and all of our PDs go up and down in their moods, being rather oblivious about us.

In my current situation, I have lost some 25 pounds. I saw a gastroenterologist recently and got some tests done which show the possibility of cancer, thus causing weight loss. More tests are going to be performed on me within the next couple of weeks. So, my anxiety level is high, but I am making it a point to keep myself busy with things I love by teaching and tutoring.

Meantime, she has been somewhat supportive finally due to the possible severity of what I am going through. She has been cooking, although she complains about the cooking. For one of my tests, I need someone to drive me to and from the hospital. So, she couldn't understand this, but I said this is the requirement. Then, she said she could take time off from work to take me, and I thanked her for that. Then, she said she wouldn't get enough hours and that she works in the medical field and didn't want to expose herself the possibility of COVID-19 anymore than she does. So, I said I would ask on Facebook, and I have gotten plenty of offers. I truly am humbled by their generosity, and I will pay them for their time. She asked me for the first time this morning, how I was feeling.

So, bottom line, she is concerned, but she is not concerned enough to be there for me, like when I need to go to the hospital. Of course, this is not the only time she has been this way as we can all relate.

[Samuel S.]

Well, the honeymoon is over - again! My wife really seemed to be genuinely concerned about my health and, to a certain extent, she still is.

During the last couple of weeks after seeing the results of some lab work, it shows that my PSA is high and that my cancer count is high. So, she made me some protein drinks, got me more things with protein, asked me for about a week how I was feeling. All the while, I thanked her for everything and said that I was okay, except for experiencing a lot of fatigue.

Since she wants to maintain the health benefits for her daughter, herself, and me, today, the day of the upper GI and the colonoscopy, she decided to work, instead. While I understand her logic, she does work part-time. She knew in advance. So, she could have changed her schedule so that she could drive me to the hospital and pick me up. Nevertheless, she said she had to work. If I were to have said the same things she said and is doing today, I would have hell to pay and justifiably so.

Under the circumstances, I asked on Facebook if anyone could pick me up and return me. I would pay them $50 for their time. I had a lot of offers from my former students. So, I am humbled, to say the least.

To make matters worse, my wife has some dental issues which are aggravating her, and she also had to deal with updating the health insurance coverage which has gone up dramatically. So, last night before my procedures today, she started talking about how expensive I am. I thanked her for the coverage, and I said I will pay for the increase since it seems I am the cause for the increase.

As a result, I didn't sleep well last night due to the anticipation of today and the lack of support and frankly love, but I need to get these tests done, with or without her consent. Well, I am doing them without her approval.

[SparkStillLit]

Here's wishing you the best outcome for today.
I have stopped.. no, let's say I'm trying to stop...wishing for support and love from a spouse who isn't capable of providing it. Driving for that kind of thing has contributed to breaking my brain and making me ill. You might consider whether it's contributing to your illness, or at the least not helping. Any good you get from her, consider a bonus. Don't expect, strive for, whatever. It's like blood from a stone.
Instead, surround yourself with actual supportive people- your kind students maybe, friends, whomever you find to be genuinely invested in your wellbeing.
I keep being astonished to find those people in what I thought were the unlikeliest of places. Sure, PDs *are* everywhere, but so are good folks.
I also keep being blown away about what good Drs I have, and how much they care about their patients. My neuro keeps astonishing me. They are ALL good. I guess I'm not used to being cared for, listened to, be immediately available should I feel the least gross, and have people totally willing to go fight insurance and whatnot just so I can be ok. I bet you know just what I mean.

[losingmyself]

Spark and Samuel, please know that I'm praying for you and hope you both are on the road to recovery soon.
I truly believe that stress causes illness. I don't know if I would attribute my cancer diagnosis to stress, but it would be interesting to find out.
Also, take heart in knowing that you have been sent people who will take care of you, and let you know that YOU DESERVE to be treated with love and compassion. I'm sorry you can't get that support at home. But like you said earlier, Spark, you just have to stop expecting it from places you're not going to get it. Like blood from a turnip, no matter how much you want it, it's never going to happen.
I will continue to send good thoughts and prayers for you.

[Samuel S.]

When I said goodbye to my wife with fully knowing that I was going to the hospital for testing, she said "have fun". I just turned around and walked away. Then, she realized what she said and how I reacted. Then, she mumbled something, but I didn't stay around to hear her.

I had the upper GI, and the doctor took 3 biopsies. I understand from a nurse that can be standard practice, but it really scares me, because I had a biopsy done on a tumor some time ago, and it luckily turned out benign, but I waited 6 long weeks for the results. At any rate, I am nervous, and my throat hurts due to the biopsies now.

After I texted my wife about the biopsies, I think she felt a lot of guilt for saying "have fun", because after work, she went and bought me some clothes and has been nice since she returned.

I have to return to the hospital tomorrow, because I wasn't clean enough for the colonoscopy. Sorry for the graphic, but it is evidently kind of common.

Luckily, a former student drove me today and is driving me tomorrow. So, I am extremely grateful for his time and for his generosity!

[SparkStillLit]

There you go. We will be glad for love and kindness where we get it. Here, out in the world from people, wherever. Just not at home.
I'll send you more good wishes on all your testing, that it comes to nothing at all and you're all clear.
Maybe we can drop some of this awful stress that's making us sick. Pet our cats or dogs or both, or take a walk in nature, in the peace, or ride our kayaks, or just be us for a little bit with a peaceful mind and no one to bother. Leave your phone at home or in the car. I haven't got any signal when I kayak anyway, and even though I have a dry bag, I hate to take it on the water. Those are MY big plans. 😁 How about you?

[1footouttadefog]

I am reminded of this graphic by your story.  The have fun, thing as well.  I also say that and end emails etc woth it, bit do try to make sure it fits and is appropriate. 

I am glad you have suport outside. 

I have a very close friend who had his prostrate removed in the mid 80's.  About 10 years ago his PSA tests started creeping up.  They did explore with a scope and a sonogram and such bit did jot find the source.  Later he had a partial blockage causing urinary retention which was dealt with and surgically removed.  This was a sort of 'prostrate stone' composed of fibers and minerals thst had gathered at the bladder's exit where the prostrate had been.  It proved benign.  Despite this his PSAs kept increasing.  They ended up getting him a chip insert of some sort that manages the levels of some hormonal breakdown molecule. 

At 91.5 he is still living with hidden prostrate cancer and while he is getting frail from old age and failing heart valves, he still works in the yard and does a bit of gardening and woodworking as well as being sous chef to an avid cook and entertainer.

I will pray that your Docs will have life prolonging solutions for whatever they find.

https://www.walmart.com/ip/Peanuts-Football-Charlie-Brown-And-Lucy-Van-Pelt-Playing-Kicking-Football-Funny-Poster-36x24-Inch-inch/402499420?wmlspartner=wlpa&selectedSellerId=101004178&&adid=22222222228000000000&wl0=&wl1=g&wl2=m&wl3=42423897272&wl4=pla-51320962143&wl5=9009953&wl6=&wl7=&wl8=&wl9=pla&wl10=136628331&wl11=online&wl12=402499420&veh=sem&gclid=CjwKCAjwiaX8BRBZEiwAQQxGx1K6xJiDL78Dst53KJjKpS3am0rGG0KRdW3J4wCj_lrqXkp_lHOetxoCYHEQAvD_BwE

[Samuel S.]

Thank you for your feedback! It's like being in a Ferris wheel going around and around, and it never seems to stop in a calm place.

The double edge sword with my wife continues!

I got the colonoscopy done today, and there was only one polyp. I haven't had any throughout the years. So, I'm relieved in that regard! I find out the results of the upper GI biopsies and the polyp either before the 29th or on the 29th when I meet my gastroenterologist. I also have a urologist appointment on the 26th to deal with my PSA and cancer count. So, I am glad the CT scan, upper GI, and the colonoscopy are done, but I sincerely do hope I find out the cause of the weight loss, whether it is sort of bug, cancer, whatever it is, and to deal with it.

Tonight, my wife asked me when I find out the results which is quite rare for her to even inquire about it all. So, she is concerned. I just wish she were more concerned about our relationship way before this instead of being concerned about my health now. She definitely wasn't concerned about my health previously.

Then, I told her that I have a urologist appointment on the 26th. Then, she said: "I don't know about you going out there with COVID-19" Well, I wear a mask, gloves, social distance. When I get back home, I shower and put on completely different clothes. Besides, I need to know answers regarding my PSA and cancer count, and I don't want to just ignore it all and potentially have major issues in the future.

Meantime, I am just focusing on teaching and tutoring, helping others. BTW, just before my colonoscopy, one of the nurses started talking with me, and she mentioned about her daughter wanting to teach who just got out of college. So, I gave her some suggestions. So, it was a way to help her, and it helped me to ease my stress.

[Lookin 2 B Free]

Prayers for your good health . . . .  and for more and more good people to turn your attention to so you have something to counter the feeling of being neglected and give you some peace and fulfillment.