Am I being lovebombed??

[Concerned One]

I started dating.

Went out on a date Friday. It went very well. Turned out my date also has similar experiences. The coffee turned into dinner and the conversation flowed. At the end there was nothing physical and we parted ways with a look to a future date.

Saturday was a different kettle of fish. Different person. At first they were super shy. At one point they almost cut the date short saying they had a party In the park to go to. I said fine. But this person didn't go. Instead they cancelled their party and stayed with me.

We went to a fancy bistro and had a drink. It was here that my date really started warming up and asked me to hold their hand. I did it but I felt a little awkward and they picked up On this.

We walked through the park holding hands and went to dinner. At dinner they really turned up the dial telling me how attractive I was and they really liked me. And said they wanted to kiss me. We kissed. At the end of the night we went our separate ways.

On deciding which date to go on I was leaning toward the second until I started wondering: did I just get lovebombed?

[Concerned One]

So anyway, I just came back from a second date with date 2. The lovebomber.

I was determined that this time there would be no kissing and definitely no one coming back to my apartment.

My date was late. 20 minutes. The date also felt it necessary to text me telling me how the cab driver told her she was worth waiting for.

Anyway, when she got here I was very nervous. She picked up on this and pointed it out.

Btw when I'm nervous I talk a lot of shit. I talk a lot of shit when I'm not nervous but I talk even more when I'm nervous.

I'd got it in my mind to tell her we had met in a previous life where she had trodden on my heart and broke it. That she had won and I wasn't going to let it happen again so no kissing. 'What about sex?' she asked. Definitely no sex, I replied. I said if she really liked me she would wait.

She then very offended. Or at least said she was. She said she felt rejected and was going to cry. I said that that was okay. She then collected her belongings, said goodbye and left. I didn't stop her.

She texted me to say she also didn't want to get hurt and wasn't going to let anyone make her cry in public again before wishing me luck and happiness.

And so that was that. I walked home. My gut definitely told me I did the right thing. I don't think telling a girl no kissing or sex is grounds for being upset in my experience. Normally they would laugh in my face. I don't believe she was really upset either. I believe she was just f@@king with me. It did not feel right.

[Concerned One]

I should also point out that in that last text she had said: 'I felt we had this connection.' Bear in mind this is a second date.

So here are all the possible red flags I noticed in those two short dates:

1) she is a lot higher status than me - a doctor.  She's into writers though so this could explain that.
2) almost pathologically shy on first meeting to zero boundaries - hand holding and kissing.
3) explicitly tells she me is 'a handful.'
4) explicitly tells me 'people can't help falling in love with her.'
5) explicitly tells me to 'make the most of me before I disappear...'
6) jealousy-inducing text about the cab driver
7) feeling rejected and 'upset' when I lay down firm boundaries - guilt tripping.
8) telling me we had 'a connection'
9) final text about not letting anybody make her cry in public again - guilt tripping. I didn't end this affair or reject her. I merely laid down a boundary.

So there you have it. A possibly disastrous encounter avoided. Twenty years ago I would have actively pursued a physical encounter with this person on the basis of the first date leaving myself very open to some dark form of manipulation.

[Concerned One]

Red flags continued:

I forgot to mention:

10) twice divorced - always the husband's fault.
11) shit-talking about other guys on the dating site.

[Thru the Rain]

If it doesn't feel right, then you're doing the right thing to move on down the road.

[Concerned One]

Or did I just miss a fantastic opportunity for some fantastic, hot nsa sex?

[Concerned One]

Red flag cont:

12) she believed the waiters at the bistro we were at were 'conceited'. I myself did not see any evidence of this.
13) similarly at the restaurant she gave off the feeling that the staff were looking down at us.

[Amadahy]

The first date sounds lovely. The second date, not so much. 

[Concerned One]

14) 'hates women'. said she prefers male company to female and has more guy friends than girls.
15) snarky to the maitre de at the restaurant.

[Concerned One]

By all means if you think I'm a raving lunatic then do say so. I value honesty over fake hugs.

[GettingOOTF]

There are red flags in both dates as well as your reaction to them. The main one being you ignored your gut and went on a second date with someone who threw up some many red flags.

I know for myself I repeated all my pattens until I took time to focus on my behavior and why I ended up in the relationships I did.

People can tell others all sorts of things but they are going to do what they are doing to do.

You are on a website listing out major red flags to a bunch of strangers. I used to to this too. I had to learn to trust my gut. I also had to learn to be comfortable being alone so I didn’t accept the first thing that came my way. That was my journey though, everyone is different.

I could list out my dating rules (no Coffee Dates is a top one) and red flags but they are rules I came up with based on my experience and what I’m looking for. I had to spend some time recovering from my previous relationship and building up my self esteem to get here.  I went on a lot dates I wouldn’t go on today. Every single person has asked me in a second date and I haven’t been on any second dates with anyone who raised any kind of flag.

My general rule now is if I have to ask other people if there is an issue then there is an issue. I think everyone here went through a stage of ignoring their own gut.

[Concerned One]

There are red flags in both dates as well as your reaction to them. The main one being you ignored your gut and went on a second date with someone who threw up some many red flags.

I know for myself I repeated all my pattens until I took time to focus on my behavior and why I ended up in the relationships I did.

People can tell others all sorts of things but they are going to do what they are doing to do.

You are on a website listing out major red flags to a bunch of strangers. I used to to this too. I had to learn to trust my gut. I also had to learn to be comfortable being alone so I didn't accept the first thing that came my way. That was my journey though, everyone is different.

I could list out my dating rules (no Coffee Dates is a top one) and red flags but they are rules I came up with based on my experience and what I'm looking for. I had to spend some time recovering from my previous relationship and building up my self esteem to get here.  I went on a lot dates I wouldn't go on today. Every single person has asked me in a second date and I haven't been on any second dates with anyone who raised any kind of flag.

My general rule now is if I have to ask other people if there is an issue then there is an issue. I think everyone here went through a stage of ignoring their own gut.

I am no stranger to dating but I didn't realise how clueless I was when it comes to finding or screening a suitable partner.

Just out of interest why don't you do coffee dates?

[GettingOOTF]

I feel that if you don’t think there’s enough potential there to invest an evening then it will be a waste of both our time.

I have have a very full life and I don’t waste precious free time on time waster coffee dates. Pre-Covid I never had time to take out of work to meet a stranger for coffee  and I was always wary of people who could. Everyone dates differently. I know lots of people do these types of dates but they don’t work for me.

[Concerned One]

I feel that if you don't think there's enough potential there to invest an evening then it will be a waste of both our time.

I have have a very full life and I don't waste precious free time on time waster coffee dates. Pre-Covid I never had time to take out of work to meet a stranger for coffee  and I was always wary of people who could. Everyone dates differently. I know lots of people do these types of dates but they don't work for me.

So where do you take a date?

[GettingOOTF]

Drinks, dinner or both. I only date during the week and in the evening. Everyone needs to eat, anyone can grab a drink on the way home. And those are activities I enjoy so if there's no chemistry at least we both get a fun evening about of it.

[Concerned One]

Ok cool.

I was raised by primary caregivers whose idea of love was to obliterate my boundaries and self-esteem.

Having to readjust and figure out what real love is and is not is where I am at the moment.

Thanks for the honest feedback.

[GettingOOTF]

I had a very similar upbringing. I was in my 40s before I heard about “boundaries”.

I’m very clear on my boundaries now, especially when it comes to dating. I approach dating with the view that I only owe them turning up on time and that’s all they owe me. I take my cues from their behavior. I have stood up and left dates where I’ve been uncomfortable or a red flag has been raised. There are so many single people out there. There is on “one person” out there. None of us need to settle.

My therapist said that we date to find out what we don’t want. I have found that to be a very healthy and productive way of approaching dating.

Overall I’ve met great people and had some really fun dates. I go in to it with no expectations and I accept that people are exactly who they show themselves to be on the date.

[Concerned One]

I'd like to be where you with regard to boundaries. I'm in my 40s now and yes boundaries is a concept that is still new to me. Didn't even know they existed until recently.

I'm going on a dinner date this evening with the First Lady. We see how it goes.

[GettingOOTF]

Good luck!

[moglow]

Hi! Just wanted to throw something in here - that you have an ongoing list of perceived red flags *after just the second date*, casts doubt for me no matter what you label her behavior. Read and heed that list, and move on to someone better suited to what you want!