Back on the Hamster Wheel

[veritas]

I would like to be more active on this forum and help others with encouragement if I can. It seems like the only posts I have concern me and my issues with my PD person, sigh . . . . I don't always get a quiet opportunity to be here so when I can it usually is out of desperation since I need to reach out to others who know exactly what I may be going through. So I apologize for yet another me, me, me post.

My last post was around the beginning of August 2020, a few weeks before my birthday. Thankfully I was able to avoid any big blowup on that day like it seemed he had been building up to. Did nothing on that day but at least it was not a demoralizing disaster like other past birthdays. Since then we had been on a long stretch of good times. It seemed like he was really trying and seeing me which felt great, but in the back of my mind I still was waiting for the other shoe to drop. The big question in my mind was: "When would all this niceness end?" Well within the last few weeks I did notice a chill in the way he has been interacting with me. Quicker to get angry for no reason and no apologies in sight. Sadly I knew this was coming and the good thing is that I am also more aware that it really is a cycle. Not one I can predict entirely since I don't know how long his love bombing may last or how long his discarding phase may last but I at least know when things shift and I adjust.

By adjusting I mean that I can no longer have deeper conversations with him. I have to really, really watch what I say and how I say it. Currently I am more in the phase of not challenging any falsehoods he may throw my way. When things had been going good previously I had been able to bring up issues between us and we were able to discuss them like mature adults. Now I say boo and all crumbles so I just bite my tongue and don't fall for his trying to bait me into an argument. I know you all can understand that. Others I talk to just don't get it that yes, he may be totally wrong about something he says I do or don't do, but I don't challenge it. But I know you guys do and I am eternally thankful that there are others who understand.

I am not sure what is really going on with him other than he has been in a depressed mood. Just like a rabid dog, he gnashes at me for even the most insignificant things. I try to stay out of his way to protect myself and our relationship but even that he turns against me and says I am ignoring him. I wish I could just tell him outright (but I won't), WHO WOULD WANT TO BE AROUND SOMEONE WHO BELITTLES THEM AND BLAMES THEM FOR EVERYTHING? He as many PD people is only concerned about his reality and how he can blame others for how he feels. He fails to understand the basic lesson mature adults have learned about how you feel about yourself. Others may sway and push and prod to make you unhappy but in the end, it is YOU who has the power to control your emotions. I am not heartless and know that things growing us have affected us all as well as things we go through today, but to blame others is irresponsible and unfair. For example, yes I need encouragement because I am back on this hamster wheel of hoovering, love bombing, discarding, but it is I who stays here fully knowing the situation. At this time I rather do the best with this than leave and become homeless again. Yes, I have been before and it is the most awful existence trying to hold down a job while driving a car with expired tags. So for now, I try to accept the hamster wheel so I have a roof over my head. My goal is to get a job going again (I was furloughed back in April), find a way to shore up my money again for a car (been depleting what I had saved before the furlough) and move out to a place I can afford. I know I have to find just the right time and way to move out lest I find my things piled up outside in a big bonfire. My boyfriend is not keen when women have left him before so like I said, I have to find the right time and way to just do it in one fell swoop. I know me moving out he will think its because I am trying to dump him since that is what has happened to him in the past with others. That is not necessarily true as of yet unless there is more that causes me to rethink being with him. I just need my own place for a variety of reasons. His mother moved in several months ago since her place was not a livable place for her and her 3 dogs. She also suffers from some PD so now I have two to deal with! But the worst part is that since she owns this place and all I do is rent, I cannot say much. She is very unclean and is turning this place into how her other place had been. I have asthma as well as other medical immunity issues and try to keep things clean. Not like obsessive clean but it is not too much to ask for the dogs not to urinate or poop inside? All she does is lay blankets on the floor for them to further use them as a place to relieve themselves. They bark constantly and their food bowls, ugh their food bowls are attracting ants and other bugs. This is not sanitary for ANY one. Keeping the house clean before she came with my boyfriend and his 1 dog was a chore in itself since he also has some of her bad habits, but at least I could keep up. Now its like I am babysitting 6 people (counting the dogs in this too). If I had my own place, I would keep my dishes from piling up in the sink, have a clean refrigerator that is not stuffed with little baggies of rotting food. And no dog pee or poop to have to smell or potentially step on!

Well, thanks all for letting me vent. I feel better somehow after unloading all of this. I have to let the steam valve out sometimes on my emotions so I don't fall apart mentally. Not sure how long this discard phase will last but I know that others can relate. I am really going to try my best to also reply to others who have encouraged me and who may need encouragement. It helps all of us in the long run to be there for each other 

[1footouttadefog]

I hope you can make it out soon.

The constant being jumped on for anything little thing gets old. 

Stay strong