sadness and insight

[desertpine]

Hey all-
I'm feeling sad today.  It's been 3 weeks of no contact with my family and although I intellectually know that is needed, there still is a small part of me wishing to get the email that will never come - the one with an apology from my parents and sister.

I've been reading Trapped in the Mirror by Elan Golomb. I'm underlining and highlighting so much of it. It really resonates with my experiences. It hurts but I think it provides some good insight and a helpful framework to understand my FOO. As I read through old diaries, I can see the toxic dynamics more clearly and how they continue to effect my relationships.

[nanotech]

Hi sweetie sending hugs. I've read that book too it's brilliant.
I know kind of  how you are feeling.
I waited too.
My heart goes out to you.
I'm slowly finding friends who can fill the hole left by my family.
That's good fun!
But the main thing is, enjoy just being you, the miracle that you are. The strong, independent person who stood up for herself.
It's sooo tempting to go back into that FOG but the warm fuzzies we think we are getting, are not authentic😐.

[Hilltop]

Sorry it's a tough time for you.  I have also waited for the conversation or apology or any sort of genuine expression to come from my mother and I'm still waiting.  It seems like such an easy thing to be able to do, you hurt someone you apologize but not for PD's, they seem unable to accept any guilt or see any wrongdoing in themselves.

I know people have said to me enjoy the silence and peace of NC or the silent treatment but it sometimes feels stifling, it's too quiet, waiting for something to happen or then feeling the hurt that they don't care enough to respond to me.  For me I keep thinking surely it's important enough to them to want to reach out and mend things or make things better but they don't seem to care. I realize it's completely on me to learn to let it go or not care and that's tough.

It's an uncomfortable place to be with uncomfortable feelings.  It's funny reading old diaries isn't it, to actually read what has happened and have that moment of thinking, that is so bad that that happened and nothing gets resolved, even with what happened there is still discontentment and still issues and problems it just keeps going. 

I also still wish things were different however I am slowly accepting they never will be.  Never - it's that word that people say not to use however that hope of change is what has kept me locked in and slowly it is sinking in that things are unlikely or never to change between myself and my parents, I feel it's healthier to acknowledge that. It's really hard so be nice to yourself, it's not easy.

[BuzzyBee]

Desertpine,

Hugs to you. I'm so sorry you feel this way. I understand,  I have been NC with my NPDM and flying monkeys for a few weeks now too. It's like my mind knows better but my heart still has that empty hole, that's been there my entire life.  I keep thinking my FOO will validate me, or fill that emptiness, but the more I try with them the emptier it feels.

I just have to accept them as people who won't ever change, or be the family I need them to be.

At least we know the truth, and are working on ourselves. All we can do is move forward with self love and patience.  I hope it gets better for you! Take good care of yourself!