Hi! She said with great relief... :)

[lovelylemon]

Hello,

I had my "lightbulb" moment on Thursday and found this forum today. I can't tell you all how relived I feel and how happy I am to be here and meet you.

This all started in my attempt to prep for this year's holidays.  2020 has been tough.  Like others, I've had to deal with politics, injustice, homeschooling, remoting working, COVID, and most recently fire. The thought of dealing with my family for this upcoming Thanksgiving and Christmas almost seemed unbearable. My husband and I have reached our breaking point with how family interactions cause the holidays to be stressful and miserable for us and our children. We both vowed this year's holidays would be different, but he is comfortable with no contact and I am not for certain members like both of our moms.

So, as you can imagine, finding the toolbox on this site and this forum have felt like pure gold! It is actually is very humbling that it has taken me this long to figure this out, but as a child of mother with undiagnosed borderline personality disorder and father with undiagnosed narcissistic personality disorder (or cluster A - his sibling has diagnosed paranoid schizophrenia), I'm realizing that I need to give myself a lot of grace. Maybe you can relate?

I am not going to comment on my husband's family members as I feel like he is the only one who can "check the boxes."  Reading all the descriptions, stories, and even hearing voicemails on YouTube was really eerie for me though. I kept telling my husband - look! listen! - word for word, this was/is my life. I can't tell you how grateful I am for other's willingness to tell their stories. Thank you. I feel like the veil over my childhood has been lifted, and I am 100% more self aware of why I feel and act the way I do. I now actually have the power to literally and figurately remove the FOG.

And dare I say it - I kind of feel like we actually might be able to have fun over the holidays this year! Does anyone have any advice or strategies for dealing with a uBDP (I think that's the acronym people are using for this?) mother on Christmas?

I currently have limited contact with her with Christmas being 1 of 3 times a year for major life events.  I use and have been using Grey Rock and Medium Chill (just found out what I was doing had a name) successfully for most times, but I find those strategies are less effective for Christmas. We talk to the kids about it, but I don't like to over-emphasize the fact that sometimes we have a fun time with grandma and sometimes we don't -- which I now realize is no longer my responsibility or my fault! Can I get an AMEN?!?  LOL

Anyway, as a very new, newbie to all of this, I am open to input and appreciate any support. May we all end 2020 will smiles on our faces knowing that we not only survived 2020 but also had some fun along the way!

Take care!

[notrightinthehead]

Welcome! Since you already use medium chill and grey rock, you might want to read up on boundary setting and non-Jade.  And of course you should make time to do something for yourself and your own well being. See you around

[guitarman]

Welcome. You are not alone.

I'm sorry to hear about all the terrible things that have happened to you. It must be all so traumatic for you.

I know about the stress of Christmas only too well! Every Christmas! In fact every family celebration. We never know how my uBPD/NPD sister will behave. It's always so stressful.

Grey Rock and Medium Chill techniques can help. It's all about not getting on someone else's emotional rollercoaster with them. It's about not feeding their narcissistic supply by getting upset.

Observe, don't absorb.

It's about setting firm boundaries and sticking to them. I know it's not easy.

Above all it's about staying calm no matter what happens.

You could, of course, calmly say to your mother beforehand that if she doesn't behave herself she will be asked to leave. Alternatively you could not invite her.

The more you educate yourself about personality disorders the better you will be able to cope. Apart from the "Toolbox" there is the "Other Media Resources" section of the forum. I have posted there recently about some YouTube videos that may help.

Keep calm. Keep strong. Keep posting.