She showed up again...

SnugglyHedgehog · September 27, 2020, 08:20:26 AM

Hey,

It has been a really long time since I have been in here or posted to be honest. I have been trying to get myself to a better place mentally. But I feel I need some input.

NM showed up again to drop off more of my "stuff" that I don't really need. My partner dealt with it for me. I just wasn't strong enough to face her at that moment. I asked her 2 years ago not to show up unannounced and yet she continues to do it.

Today is the first time I have messaged her in 2 years of no contact. She asked for some things back when she appeared that we will need to look for. I have asked her for some specific things that I am unable to get anywhere else that I would like back.

Off the back of that she has asked what the future holds for us and asked that if I am never going to speak to her or have a relationship with her again that my partner takes over as guarantor for my house. Unfortunately it is something we have looked at previously and would involve us selling the house to buy it back. This is possible. But the house is worth a lot more than I bought it for now and she isn't guarantor, she is joint owner. It would cause us to have financial difficulties in our current circumstances.

So I guess I just dont know what to do.
I dont know how to handle the situation.
I have been NC for over 2 years now and she still just repeats that she doesn't understand why this is happening or why I am being like this.

Any advice would be really great please.

Snuggly Hedgehog

SnugglyHedgehog · September 27, 2020, 10:57:12 AM

Now getting question marks because I havent replied

Andeza · September 27, 2020, 11:14:31 AM

If she can't figure out what's going on after two years, then she probably never will. No contact is for your protection, understanding that the relationship with her is too damaging for you to maintain and keep your sanity and mental health.

If you're in the states, I don't think you are.... But here you would be able to refinance the house, have her remove her name and then add your partner. It's not actually selling and buying back. If that's not an option for your guys where you are, then she's stuck on the title for now. You can look into it more down the road when you have some more financial stability.

GettingOOTF · September 27, 2020, 11:30:13 AM

My recommendation is to speak to an attorney and a financial advisor.

You can also change your phone number and go fully no contact. It doesn't seem likely that she will accept your explanation and leave you alone. She's made her terms clear and all you can do now is decide which you can most live with.

I don't know the history and I have a Pd family with whom I'm fully NC so I understand the challenges but it doesn't seem too unreasonable for her to put terms on her continued support of the housing situation, and of course this is something she will hold over you as long as she can.

Neither of your choices are ideal so again it comes down to what you can most easily accept. I chose full NC with my family but I didn't have any financial ties and they live in different countries.

SnugglyHedgehog · September 27, 2020, 11:54:08 AM

Quote from: Andeza on September 27, 2020, 11:14:31 AM
If she can't figure out what's going on after two years, then she probably never will. No contact is for your protection, understanding that the relationship with her is too damaging for you to maintain and keep your sanity and mental health.

If you're in the states, I don't think you are.... But here you would be able to refinance the house, have her remove her name and then add your partner. It's not actually selling and buying back. If that's not an option for your guys where you are, then she's stuck on the title for now. You can look into it more down the road when you have some more financial stability.

Thank you for your response.
You have literally quoted what I said to my partner earlier that if she doesn't see it now she never will. I know its not best for me mentally which is why I went NC instead of low contact 2 years ago.
Im not really sure where she thinks things are going. Two years isnt exactly a short amount of time and I havent replied to her at all.

That isn't an option for us with the house unfortunately, it's complicated and slightly unique so I guess it might not be sensible to go into details on here. But it would be a case of having it valued, having to pay half the profit to another party and then my partner would need to buy it at the asking price. So we would lose a huge chunk of value and more than double our mortgage. When I went NC it was something I was hugely stressed about and reached out to our mortgage company and others but there's nothing else we can do.

SnugglyHedgehog · September 27, 2020, 11:59:25 AM

Quote from: GettingOOTF on September 27, 2020, 11:30:13 AM
My recommendation is to speak to an attorney and a financial advisor.

You can also change your phone number and go fully no contact. It doesn't seem likely that she will accept your explanation and leave you alone. She's made her terms clear and all you can do now is decide which you can most live with.

I don't know the history and I have a Pd family with whom I'm fully NC so I understand the challenges but it doesn't seem too unreasonable for her to put terms on her continued support of the housing situation, and of course this is something she will hold over you as long as she can.

Neither of your choices are ideal so again it comes down to what you can most easily accept. I chose full NC with my family but I didn't have any financial ties and they live in different countries.

Thanks for your reply.
I have been completely NC since July 2018. She shows up at the door once or twice a year. All messages go ignored by me.
The financial ties made me absolutely ill when this all blew up to be honest. She could make my life extremely difficult (or more so than she has already). I have spoken to mortgage advisor and others and there's no other option but to sell and rebuy to get her name off but from a financial point of view we can't afford to do that so I'm not sure what to say to her. This is the first time that she has even mentioned in when she has attempted contact. Im assuming because I messaged her first

Do you have any advice on what I say in response to her questioning our future?
I didnt announce NC, I just did it. I thought after 2 years that she would see that as the choice I have made. But she hasn't ever asked the question before and it has threw me a bit because I had no intention of attempting to address any of this with her again.
I tried for 3 months before deciding i needed to go NC for my own mental health and to protect myself.

GettingOOTF · September 27, 2020, 12:30:30 PM

I didn't announce NC. I just did it. Everyone is blocked so I don't see their messages. My family is also different in that they are not persistent in their contact. They kind of just accept it. Every now and again there will be some attempt at contact but I don't check Junk folders or messages and all my social media is locked down. I also have a new phone number and a new email address. That takes care of my family.

I divorced my ex husband and have been fully NC with him for years. YEARS! He still won't leave me alone. On some level he cannot accept that I left. He thinks if he just says or does the right thing I'll take him back. There is no reasoning with him.

In The Gift of Fear Gavin de Becker says that if you pick up the phone on the 61st ring you teach them that 61 calls is the price of speaking to you. I'm paraphrasing. Some people simply cannot accept that others want nothing to do with them.

I don't think anyone here can give you advice. Only you know your circumstances. My personal choice would be to sell the house to break the bond with her and then buy somewhere else in my budget or rent. For me no house would be worth it, but that's me. Everyone has their own circumstances and priorities. Someone here said to me that if my family were capable of hearing me they would have already. I keep that in mind when I make any decision to do with them. I have come to the conclusion that NC is the only way for me but I don't have any additional complicating factors like financial arrangements. I'm pretty sure I am disinherited but I'm financially secure and have a very successful career so it makes no material difference to my life. My youngest sibling and her family live in my father's home. They are reliant on him and his "good will" - which is anything but.

GettingOOTF · September 27, 2020, 12:34:32 PM

To add you absolutely, 100% don’t owe her any part of yourself or your life for her continued support as the guarantor.

If she wishes to stop then she needs to initiate that with the loan holder. I suspect that she won’t as it’s worth more to her to have this hanging over you.

The only thing you owe her is to fulfill your legal obligations to the shared loan. The housing situation isn’t a free pass into your life.

I know you don’t need anyone’s permission but it really helps me to hear other people say stuff to me like this.

SnugglyHedgehog · September 27, 2020, 01:35:39 PM

Thank you so much for your responses.

Today is the first time I have messaged her and the reason I did it is because she has something of my childs that cannot be replaced and it's important for me to do that for them.

She has now messaged again without me replying, badgering me for a response. Im getting pretty shaky and anxious now to be honest. I don't want to regress. I have pulled myself through so much. But I'm at a complete loss when it comes to dealing with her.

Without giving away too much information. Our home is adapted for the use of a disabled child. Unfortunately it isn't as simple as selling and buying somewhere else. But thank you for your advice. It's difficult in these situations where you can't speak openly. But moving isn't an option. Obviously I wish I did not have this tie to her but I also did what I had to do for my child at the time, this was also years ago at this point.

SnugglyHedgehog · September 27, 2020, 02:45:25 PM

She won't stop messaging

Giving me the shakes.

SunnyMeadow · September 27, 2020, 03:12:35 PM

For your peace of mind, please block her! You shouldn't have to be afraid of your own phone. Protect yourself.

GettingOOTF · September 27, 2020, 05:13:02 PM

It does sound like a really tricky situation.

I agree about blocking. You can also do it temporarily. Block her for tonight. Unblock when you feel better able to deal with it.

Something has set her off and you can only hope she runs out of steam. If you block her she won't know, it will seem like you are ignoring her, which you are, but blocking her will give YOU some peace.

I am really sorry you are having to deal with this.

SnugglyHedgehog · September 27, 2020, 07:05:15 PM

Thanks for the replies.

Life is tough right now and I regret reaching out to her but I can't at the same time. I don't even know if that makes sense.

I am ignoring but I feel like it's just going to start up again tomorrow and my brain is running with questions.

If I ask my partner to drop things off and collect what I've asked for. Is she going to refuse to give him it because he isn't me?! Even then that is such an awful position to put him in. Is she then going to question him. She repeatedly made comments at the house the other day. I am trying not to feel guilt and telling myself it's her putting him in that position but it's just really awful.