Silent treatment

[JollyJazz]

Hi All,

I've just gotten the silent treatment 😢 my mother randomly showed up at my flat (I was moving out) after a 'friend' gave her my address. I asked her firmly but politely (via text) to stop doing it. Now she hasn't texted me for days. I know it's the silent treatment, I know it's messed up, but it still hurts.

I'm stressed. I'm in a new city, at a new job. Now this. I don't know what I want.

I'm just feeling fragile, helpless, hurt.

[Duck]

I read your original post about this and it was like my worst nightmare. I would be very traumatized by what happened to you.

You are strong and did the right thing by telling her to stop. Tonight, I sent a kind of boundary text to my mom. It took me months to write and my mom isn't within physical distance of me. So, you are a boss for doing it right away and firmly when your mom is close enough to physically reach you.

I have a lot of situations where my mind knows the logical answer about something but I still have contradictory feelings. It makes sense to me that you don't want your mom to know where you live but you are still hurt by her silent treatment.

I am sending you hugs. You just went through a battle of sorts. Be gentle to yourself while recovering from it. You don't have to know what you want right this second.

[JollyJazz]

Hi Duck,

Thanks very much for your thoughtful reply. Thanks for your supportive words! 😊 It really helps to have this understanding and empathy, so thank you.

Good on you for stating for a boundary too! 

I have a lot of situations where my mind knows the logical answer about something but I still have contradictory feelings. It makes sense to me that you don't want your mom to know where you live but you are still hurt by her silent treatment.

Yes, this is exactly how I feel!

It's also on top of just starting a new job, moving to a new city, moving house, issues with a friend. I already feel isolated and under pressure, so the silent treatment from my mother (over a reasonable boundary) is stressful. It's improving with time though.

I've got a weekend of self care planned, just taking care of myself, sleeping in, getting exercise, generally being kind to myself.

[Spring Butterfly]

It hurts because we don't want them to contact us, we want some normal idealized version of them to show up. That version exists in our own mind (imagination). It was our birthright to have caring and loving parents. That's not what we got. That empty hole exists and we need to make peace with no one else on the planet can fill it. Internal mothering is required. Karyl McBride book Will I Ever Be Good Enough had a section on it or you can Google it.

[JollyJazz]

Hi Spring butterfly,

Thank you 😊 your message came at just the right time as I'm struggling about it today.
I can't get over the fact that the whole mess was triggered by a friend inviting my mother to my house without my knowledge or consent.
I've started a new job, am in a new city and I'm feeling emotionally overwhelmed.
Thanks for the tips. I do have that book and I'll look it up. 

[Adria]

Yup, she knows your in a new city with a new job and stressed out, so what better time to stress you out even more by giving you the silent treatment. That's what they do when you are most vulnerable!

This is a true test of wills. 

The best thing to do is treat yourself really well right now, find books to support you, get a latte, watch a funny movie, get a kitty, whatever it takes to try to fill that empty space.  Try and get into a routine in your new town, go for coffee at a certain time, stop by the book store a certain time, and appreciate all that is beautiful. You have to stay mentally really strong right now so you can push through. You can do it!   Hugs, Adria

[JollyJazz]

Hi Adria,

Thanks heaps for your understanding words 😊 It means a lot.

I am going to keep up the self care 😊 thanks for those ideas. Exercise helps me a lot, so I'm getting lots in.

I am going to take each day at a time and do something nice for myself each day.

I'm starting to just feel mad at her. The damage that her and the rest of my family have done to my life is huge. I'm starting to feel healthy anger towards the whole situation. It's also actually good to be away from them in a new town I find

[JollyJazz]

I'm struggling today. I feel so lonely in this new town. I feel like I have a bit of social anxiety due to childhood/adolescence thanks to their abuse.
I've got to make new friends but it's hard. Just feeling a bit sad and the rain outside seems to reflect my mood. I've got friends but they are far away. I also have a really good job so that's something.

[Adria]

Jollyjazz,

It is only natural for you to feel sad and lonely right now.  I moved away from my family and hometown as well to get away from their controlling irrational madness.  Right now, you are in the crux of it. I'm so sorry.  When I moved away, I felt such a freedom, I can't even explain. It has been 15 years now and wouldn't go back for all the money in the world.

However, I still struggle and wish I had family.  It takes awhile to make new connections, so don't be too hard on yourself.  It sounds like you are doing good things to take care of yourself.  Celebrate any new accomplishments even if it seems trivial.  You have taken a big step towards a bright future.  And,  a huge leap of faith.  You did what you needed to do for you.  You will begin to realize how strong you really are, and the peace will come.  Stay true to yourself. You are worth it.  There will be brand new doors that open.  A whole wonderful life is waiting for you.  Not saying it is an easy path, but staying where you were wasn't easy either.  At least now, you can live your life on your own terms and you have more options.  It will be okay. Hugs, Adria

[nanotech]

It feels so weird at first. 
I'm sending you hugs 🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗
There's a gap there, that's all that it is.
I've been reading up on anxiety.
I've realised that my general anxiety was/is  me acting out the hidden anxieties of my FOO. Even though I'm Out of the FOG, I am still anxious. I'm still doing it.
Hmmm -so I wrote on my arm today, ' no more anxiety,'
Just for today. And I did it. I didn't give in to it today.
But I noticed something. I walked round with an odd kind of feeling. I felt I SHOULD be anxious.
I felt that I had put a small baby down somewhere, and walked away from it uncaringly and lost it!
I realised that I missed my anxiety! I understood that I had been carrying it around daily- a daily responsibility that had to be nurtured through constant reassurance from others, and by my constantly checking surroundings and routines for possible dangers lurking. A sense of needing to be perfect as well- that I wasbeing a good enough daughter/ mother.

I'm just wondering if you might be going through this sort of thing?
Despite our enlightenment, when silence descends, we miss the drama, the old behaviours? Because they were all we knew? We were trauma bonded to them? And they were better than nothing, or so we thought. 
Sending more hugs🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗 I'm trying another day of it tomorrow! Baby steps lead to marathon wins! We can do this! You have made the first move towards being self differentiated.
Let your mum's behaviour have no effect on you.
Congratulations on the new job!  Your new town will be such an adventure!

[JollyJazz]

Hi Adria and Nanotech,

Thanks so much for your support and kindness 🤗
I just realized that my social anxiety is linked to how I find it difficult to make new friends.
I also wasn't allowed to date or socialise growing up, just to study.
I have to be careful not to do that to myself - neglect my social and romantic life in favour of just working.
My brothers and the rest of the family 'fall in' with HRH's (my mother's) orders. So they don't contact me and fish for information when she asks.

Anyway, you're right, it takes time. It's Monday and I hear about people talking about their friends and family and I want that  I'm kind of tired too. Anyway, thanks for listening.
I'm going to try and work on daily self care, I think that's important ☺️

[nanotech]

 :wave:Hey sweetheart here is your friend talking!   
Just sitting on my sofa watching tv and writing to you.
  ❤️
I woke up missing my family today, feeling quite cheated that they are so toxic, and that I need to keep away from them.
But never mind! 😁

Remember that it's  easier to make friends without the toxicity around.
My family used to criticise my friends.
I think I can count my GOOD friends on one hand!
I'm always looking to make new ones.
And it's happening!
I used to rely on my family too much for my friendships.
That would be ok at times ( it's the intermittent rewards they use to keep us trauma bonded) but then they'd suddenly flip, and I'd get the acrid toxicity.
Such fun 😆 lol.
Have a lovely day! The self -care is so important! Love yourself and care for yourself with kindness. xxxxx

[Spring Butterfly]

I've been writing in a note book one line per day on good highlights from the day and another line for things I'm thankful for. Could be silly like a flower or ktry cuddles or whatever makes me thankful. Sometimes I'm even thankful for clean air to breathe. The tiniest thing to help my brain see I have goodness. Morning and evening stretching, mindful waking up is helping too. This is totally from left field but focusinf on self growth (future and forward looking) in addition to healing (past focused) helps too and Enneagram research has been supportive. Seeing how I can grow within my personal style and respectful of my core person.

[JollyJazz]

Hi Nanotech and Spring butterfly,
Thanks so much for your kind thoughts!

You are right about having space for new, healthier friendships, and also I think it's great to journal and reflect on positive things.

I did some journalling last night, and I wrote down all the things I've achieved in the past month, and there's been a lot.
I'm definitely pencilling in more time for planning and healing as well 😊🦋

Thanks for your support 😊

[Spring Butterfly]

Glad to hear and really wishing you peace. The only thing that has worked for me is to shift my focus to my own self growth, to fill my cup from within.

The silent treatment hurts no matter what the rest of your life circumstances are and that's its intention. It's rejection, it's punishment until you comply, it's a withdrawal of love, it's a hateful weapon. It is uPDm favorite weapon and although I am not NC there is no contact unless I reach out to her. But when I do there's pain in the exchange and then I have to work to heal from that. Double bind. Pain either way.

In the end I have found no matter how many friends I surround myself with the rejection and withdrawal of parental love is painful just the same.

Certainly having less in your life to distract you with is going to magnify the void created by this withdrawal of love. So please keep filling your life with taking care of yourself, love and internal mothering because I'm afraid we will never have that void filled no matter how hard we try unless we fill it from within.

[JollyJazz]

Hi Spring butterfly,

Thanks for these great thoughts 😌
I'm definitely going to work on internal mothering and caring for myself.
I definitely struggle with this sometimes, and it's good to draw a light on it and heal and work on this area☺️
Life is getting better ☺️ I'm starting to make new friends and work is going well. I have a peaceful home.
I've decided to use this time for more healing.