How do I support my partner but protect my wellbeing?

[Michelle216]

Hey Fellow Friends,

I feel that coming to these threads and seeking some thoughts on my posts do help me along the journey more constructively and am so thankful to have a resource like this to help me on the path. To that end, I am experiencing some uncertainty and would appreciate some thoughts from those who have been there before.

I posted previously about our wedding and various issues surrounding the in laws.

We got married in a very small private ceremony and only had those in attendance that supported us (and keeping within restrictions). I did receive a horrible email on the day (but I read days after) from one of his family member with numerous black hearts and coffin emojis  . Our actural wedding day was a beautiful day and although I was so stressed leading up to it, it was great to let my hair down and spend the day with our loved ones without fear or feeling like I had to have barriers put up. Leading up to the wedding I was carrying enormous guilt but was able to get my head around this with help from some you of who referred me to resources.

Other than phone calls quite a few months ago  which were intended to manipulate and added to the stress for my partner his immediate family ignored our wedding day (and other than the horrible email). There has since been no contact. We later found out that his brother kept driving past our ceremony on the wedding day so he could see what was going on and the reported back to 'the family' about what bad people we are  . My partner did call and speak to his brother about this and the brother explained that he was justified in stalking us and then went on about how depressed the family is and that they are all on medication and seeing psychologists.

I have spoken to my partner and he says he would like some form of relationship with them but not how it was before (which was completed enmeshed). He wants to try and initiate some form of contact with his parents in the near future. I am feeling so anxious about this to the point that I can see that this can be a slippery slope that I don't want to get caught down. Is it possible for him to have a relationship independently with some of his immediate family with me perhaps going no contact? I am finding this hard to imagine given that they have gone out of their way to stalk us and contact me directly sending me horrible messages. So their behaviour is impacting me directly. I can already detect the efforts of manipulation in the phone call with his brother about them all being depressed and medicated (i.e. attempting to make my partner feel bad for not having a close relationship with them).

My relationship with my partner is my priority and I do want to support him and not be a controlling force that is family has been in the past. I therefore want him to lead (and me support him) the relationship with them, but I am struggling with the thought of them being in my home  and  having any form of civilised communication with them without bring highly anxious and stressed.

I plan to have a good talk with my partner and ask him how I can be of a support to him if he wants to open up that door to them but I also need to talk to  him about how I need to protect my wellbeing moving forward as well. Would love your thoughts on this and hoping that it makes sense.

[Leonor]

Hi Michelle, and welcome!

I would suggest that you reverse your own question, "How do I protect my well-being?"

You have to put yourself first, even in marriage. Your in-laws are toxic and cause you pain. They are purposely malignant. They are simply not safe.

I would draw a very strong boundary around yourself at this moment. It's healthier and easier to negotiate from a position of feeling safe and protective of yourself than vulnerable in the hopes of being protected by a spouse who is feeling too foggy to be able to do so for you both.

That said, you can use his family's gambit: "That's great that they're getting help, sweetheart. You know, since this is a difficult situation for us, I think it would be good for us to get some help as we move forward, too" and then get an appointment with a good marriage counselor.

And then hold off on any decisions regarding old until you have a chance to visit with a therapist.

Wellness to you!

[bloomie]

Hi there! What a good thing that you were able to relax and enjoy your special day with your love! Congrats!

Bravo for avoiding drama from people who feel entitled to a front row seat to our most important and private moments who refuse to manage themselves politely and respectfully!

Now you are building your life together and a big part of doing that is finding agreement and unity in who/how/what you allow in close to you. Putting your marriage and the health and flourishing of your relationship, and you as individuals, as priority one is necessary and right.  This is a normal and quite common part of maturing and creating a new family together.

In my own marriage we found ourselves nose to nose with a longstanding starting gate in law family belief that there was entitlement to every aspect of our lives and to 'close' relationships with family members. Period.

So, while we had never agreed to this... there was a strongly held entitlement to our lives. And when we didn't prioritize those relationships as in law family members believed we had agreed to (as they believed everyone in their family had tactily agreed to), there was a great deal of moral outrage and acting out.

Pausing right now and focusing on your new marriage and learning what it means to set boundaries and limits in place that will protect your marriage and offer some space around you to grow and move forward is essential to your future happiness, in my view.

You will be challenged by people - all kinds of people - that want to come in close to each of you and both of you together. How you decide you will handle it when someone - anyone - proves themselves divisive, untrustworthy, toxic, etc., will serve you well your entire marriage.

Making this more about how you will handle any difficult or high conflict person, or how you will consider reopening the door to someone who has harmed you in the past before you are faced with those issues - or before you reengage with known potential trouble makers - is laying a solid and wonderful foundation together.

A really great book I highly recommend reading together is called: Boundaries in Marriage, Cloud and Townsend

A wonderful podcast (the first 7 especially lay out how to set boundaries and work and how to apply them through tough situations) is called: Beyond Bitchy, Mastering the Art of Boundaries
https://beyondbitchy.com

Most of us are not equipped to know how to handle the hot potato that can be disordered family systems. Learning how to do that together and how to stay united right from the start of your marriage is an incredible gift to give to each other!

Keep coming back and letting us know how you are doing!