Introducing myself and MIL

[scattered_78]

I have never properly introduced myself.  I have been with DH for 15 years, married 13.  In the early years DH spoke very little of his mother.  I met her maybe 3 or 4 times in the first few years of our relationship.  After we were married I sadly lost my own darling father.  I lost my mum years before and have no siblings, so I guess my in-laws became 'my' family.  As the years went on, DH did talk a bit about how difficult she could be, but I couldn't see it.  Outwardly she is a total martyr, do-gooder, saint.  I actually thought DH was really hard on her, and overreacted to 'minor' things.  Gosh was I wrong.  Now that we have our own children, I am seeing more and more of her nasty traits.  She uses me as a go-between to avoid having to speak to DH.  She will contact me to ask about the kids, or if she can come and stay.  She gives us the silent treatment if we dare to disagree with her or point out any wrongdoing.  She doesn't respect anything we say, completely ignoring requests/boundaries that we repeatedly try to put in place.  We then get the 'poor me' treatment.  We are cruel/ungrateful etc and she is of course without fault.   Even when she DOES apologise (rarely, usually when backed into a corner she can't ignore), it always comes with a 'but' that turns it around to be our fault. 

I am seeing her beginning to act this way with my eldest DS too.  He communicates with her and some other family members on email.  She replies to him, asking him to phone her.  If he doesn't, she then ignores him and doesn't email him for a while (he's 11!). 

She has serious issues, and she makes it clear that DH was a mistake.  She was unmarried, had a fling, told me she thought about suicide when she found out she was pregnant.  Told DH that she had already 'got rid of one baby so couldn't do it again'.  Blames everyone else (FIL refused to use protection, she didn't know she could get pregnant etc).  Poor DH, he's gone through life feeling like he wasn't wanted.  It's just awful.   

[bloomie]

scattered_78 - hello there! We've connected over on the in laws board, but thanks for giving us this background of a bit of how your relationship with your mil developed and some of the behaviors that are hurtful and she refuses to take responsibility for. I am sorry you have need of us, but so glad you found us!

I have learned to understand that the best way to really gauge the emotional maturity and mental health of another person, and if they are someone we can build strong trusting relationships with, is to share something we both value with them, vacation with them, disagree with them or tell them no, set a boundary and address out of line words or behaviors, work with them, grow in maturity and strength, have our own priorities - or all of the above and a whole lot more.   

Entering into an established family system and being loved bombed feels pretty good to those of us who did not have that from a woman of influence in our lives growing up. In my own case, my in law relationships were established when I was still fairly young and wanting a family so badly as you describe. I entered in with my whole heart... I shouldn't have until I determined it was safe and what they had to offer in return was trustworthy.

A wise and mature mil will see the vulnerability in her dil and build her up and empower her in her own endeavors. Will go above and beyond to offer love and gracious acceptance and to honor the differences and choices of our son and his precious wife and family as his first priority.

An unhealthy, spiteful, oppositional, mil who intends the system serve her and her alone will exploit vulnerabilities and eventually tear the house down before she will give over to an idea her behaviors are toxic and she needs to manage them differently... at least that has been my decades long experience.

I am terribly sorry for the words of rejection this woman speaks over your DH. I was an unwanted child as well. I believe that healing came for me through relationship with my own children and with others who value and want me, but also that I have inherent worth as a human being just as I stand wanted or unwanted by another person.

It is a journey for sure, but your DH most likely has impeccable instincts where his mother is concerned. I love how you share in another thread that you are following his lead as he stands in a protective and loving stance over you and your family.