Just fully broke up with them

[mrconfused]

I fully said everything I truly feel for the first time.

I am so upset. I thought i'd feel good. All I feel is fear and crushing sadness.

Anyone relate of have any advice. I don't feel like their is any other path forward. But to have them beg me to reconsider and then start gushing how much they love me, when their actions ahve said the complete opposite for 4 years is crazy making.

[Lookin 2 B Free]

This was a big step!  To me your feelings are very understandable and familiar from the breakup of my own relationship.

I will tell you something I came up with that really helped me to not give in to the powerful impulse to undo what I had just done.  I decided that I didn't want to "jerk my husband around" by breaking up, then caving to his desire and my impulses leading us to get back together . . . knowing that I would probably just return to wanting to break up once more  and put us through that all over again-- maybe many times.  I didn't feel that would be fair to either of us.

I decided I would not make a new decision or revoke the last one until a certain number of days had passed.  Then, if my mind had not changed at all over that whole period, I could consider making a different choice.  I did that countdown many times but always had changes of heart before the full time was over.   That kept me solid throughout my separation and divorce.  With my subsequent SO I did the same thing which saved me from all back and forths but one.    Now I am out of that relationship and NC for 9 mos. 

I don't know if the above would work for everyone, but it really helped me.    I knew to expect desperate pleas and declarations of love from my partner because part of the PD revolves around abandonment issues which are triggered when someone leaves.  So I tried to see those expressions in that context instead of as evidence of deep and abiding love that somehow had not been fully realized during abusive times.

Also helpful was information and support on trauma bonding and relationship addiction, both of which make leaving and staying gone something which takes a lot of courage to do.  But it can be done!  Not acting on impulses was key for me.    And get all the support you can! 

[Free2Bme]

mrconfused,

I am sorry, this is such a difficult place to be.  There is value in being honest about where you are, now the ball is in her court.  I found this challenging because I knew that however my updxh responded, I would have to shed my fantasies and face reality.   

In my case, there were safety issues and I had to leave without having this conversation.  He had been served divorce papers when we met at our home to exchange children.  There was begging, pleading, crying on his part (I do not say this with any gladness because I know deep down that there was nothing authentic or sincere, all manipulation).  He said that he would do ANYTHING to get his family back....

I waited and watched, he never made a move.  This was my answer.
My heart was so torn, I was hoping that he would fight for our marriage. I too experienced crushing sadness and paralyzing fear.  This eventually gets better.

IME, I had to be sure I had overturned every stone, and given the marriage every possible chance.  This is the only way I could move forward and be at peace with myself. 

You have crossed the Rubicon.  The truth is on the table. She will either respond in a manner that aims to resolve and restore, or will continue in the same pattern of behavior. 

Wishing you peace and comfort.

[mrconfused]

Thanks guys, great wisdom above.

I think i'm really feeling confused today because she's 3 weeks in on new ADHD medication I helped her to get diagnosed with. It's completely calmed her down to the point where, after the initial dramatic reaction. She came home and just calmy said "if this is what you want, then fine." She called the mediator, and is stone cold just working through it.

It's completely un-nerved me. Like actually she's completely de-activated herself to have any feelings about me or the end. Feels almost worse than the drama I had feared for all this time.

[sad_dog_mommy]

Hello!

Whenever I felt doubt I would re-read my posts and journal.   Reading my own words about particular incidents would remind me that relationships with a person with a PD are cyclical.   There were times my exBPDbf was Prince Charming.  3 weeks later he could be Jack the Ripper.   

I would you guess that you did not join this support message board on a whim.   Take a deep breath and trust your gut.    🙂

[stormbrewing]

I can certainly relate - both to your initial feelings after laying it all on the table and to the feeling when their reaction is almost clinical - stbxupdh was also diagnosed ADHD, as well as depression and medicated for both.

Problem as I see it is that you just don't know what's real and what is a part of the game and an attempt to manipulate you. One thing that became clear from me is that because he often said things just to be hurtful or to manipulate a certain response, he wouldn't think that I ever meant anything I said either. It's a part of the projection.

The stone cold approach and acceptance could be a bit of reverse psychology to get you to take back what you said to her. It's another very deliberate manipulation tactic. She may think you were just lashing out in a bad mood and that you didn't mean what you said, so she's going to teach you a lesson. That reflects my experiences anyway.

Like others have said, trust your instincts and journal reminders of what you have gone through that you can look back over when you feel like you are starting to get drawn back in.

Hope you're ok.

[pushit]

I can relate as well.  During the divorce my ex went back and forth between two extremes of false abuse allegations and trying to win me back.  After the divorce was final she told me "I'm not giving up on this family" but continued to play mind games with the kids and did zero self reflection on her own actions that led to the divorce.  Never an apology for the things she did, and never an acknowledgement of the things she did.

The biggest thing I can say is pay attention to her behavior.  If someone wants to change they will show it through their actions.  Words are just words, without a change in behavior to back them up words mean nothing.

Best of luck and stay strong.