Anyone know how to be authentic?

[Concerned One]

Doing much emotional work has led me to discover deep-seated inner core beliefs that I am a bad person.

And I am a bad person!! Or rather I am an inauthentic person. I am a fake and a fraud and it feels so good getting that off my chest.

So now I want to start living authentically.

Anyone living Genuinely authentic lives out there?

Sounds so simple but How does One live authentically?

[Andeza]

Step one: Remove filter.



I know right? Well, don't totally remove it, that would be potentially confrontational and dangerous, depending on, you know, what might come out of your mouth. But my point is that many who were raised in the dysfunctional cycle of abuse learned to run every action and word through the "walking on eggshells" filter. This is the filter that mostly keeps you out of trouble with a disordered parent. I know. I had this kind of filter. I got rid of it. I worked with truckers for years, and it helped me immensely to be around people who said what they felt (sometimes in extremely colorful language) regardless of how what they felt would make me feel. They were very genuine in that way.

I find that now, I say "Oh well" a lot when other people voice their dissatisfaction with something. Or "too bad" when in particular my MIL complains about other people living their lives and decorating their houses the way they like.

Step two: Figure out what you actually feel.

Analyze your emotions when you're around people. If you don't care about what they're talking about, you don't have to pretend to be interested. You can say "That's not a subject I'm really into." It's okay! I promise!

Step three: Realize you're not a bad person.

Yep. It's true. I seriously doubt you are a bad person. You've just yet to develop a sense of self and therefore the foundation from which all authentic emotion, expression, and conversation arises. Individuation. Separating the real you from what the dysfunction tried to create. It's freaking hard. I'm still on this step myself. I find disentangling the personality my uBPDm tried to project onto me from my real personality is like trying to rip up bindweed and leave the flowers it's choking undamaged. It takes time. You have to be willing to sit there and unwind tendrils from the flowers. Can't just bull in and rip it up or the good goes out with the bad. We'll get through.

[Concerned One]

How long have you been pulling bindweeds from the flowers would you say?

[Spring Butterfly]

For me it was doing core value and individuating work. Finding out who I was after having complied and been under the influence and undercurrents of PD people in my life. Once I no longer cared what they thought I was able to do real core value work and individuation.

The boundary sticky here in the working on us board has some of that at the end and the book will ever be good enough by Karyl McBride in the book review board has some summary information there too.

[Concerned One]

It's really difficult being authentic. Takes practise.

For instance this morning a 'friend' texted me asking how I was and the basic pattern occurred:

1) stimulus (the text)
2) belief (my belief in why he texted. I believed he only wanted to use me for work purposes)
3) emotion (anger caused by belief)
4) response (passive aggressive reply text saying I'd take care of him work wise and not to worry)

He replied saying he was off work for his birthday and was just seeing how I was.

I get guilty. I am now incongruent and inauthentic.

Fascinating. But hard work.

[Andeza]

Years, with more success in the last three.

[guitarman]

Concerned One maybe being inauthentic means that you are afraid to talk about your own feelings. What made you so afraid? What are you frightened of? Maybe that is what you could address and investigate further.

I am learning to talk about my feelings more.

[GettingOOTF]

For me it was about dropping my ideas how how things and people "should" be. I had really rigid views on everything and my life was pretty much centered around controlling people and outcomes.

Once I was able to let go of these rigid views I found I was more easily able to be my self. I no longer feared outcomes or wanted fo control them which meant that I was able to relax and react more naturally vs with a specific outcome in mind.

Loosing my grip on others freed me up to explore and develop myself.

It's a bunch of tiny changes that add up over time. One day you just notice you are doing and feeling things more naturally.

[Hepatica]

Concerned One:

I read the dialogue and my sense was that it wasn't you being incongruent or inauthentic, it was you mistrusted his question.

First of all.... that's OKAY!!! Be easy on yourself. If you're here, you came from a family where you probably didn't trust someone. All of us are here bc we had to learn to survive in an environment we didn't really trust.

A lot of the work I have done over the years, and maybe it is authenticity work, is trusting my own feelings. Because the guy sounds like a work related friend, you felt his question was ultimately related to work. That's an easy mistake to make. Now I wonder if he has asked you how you are and then asked you for work in the past? If so, there's why you mistrusted his question.

You know yourself better than anyone else. When you begin to trust your feelings and practice self-care and compassion the authenticity will grow.

[Concerned One]

I have been running a blog for five years. I still haven't filled out the 'about me' page because I don't actually know who I am...

[Hopeful Spine]

I have been running a blog for five years. I still haven't filled out the 'about me' page because I don't actually know who I am...

I can relate.  I have my own business and work with a specific public and I have an idea in my head of how I'm "supposed" to be.  Just like how I felt I was supposed to be in marriage.  Or the home I'm supposed to have (how I grew up clashes with how I currently want to live).  Or even the meals I am supposed to cook (the guilt of "wasting" money on organic produce).  Or the clothes I'm supposed to buy.

I am none of those things.  Over the years I've tried hard to be the person I thought I needed to be (in all these categories) in order to succeed.  I had my achievements but overall I was stressed, confused and usually missing the mark (or what I thought was the mark).  I'd watch others around me succeed and thrive and that would make me feel worse.

After a good 5 years of trying to live an authentic life I've realized that I'm failing.  Because I continue to try to authentically force myself into the mold that is out there.  (the crass term, "eat shit and like it" comes to mind).  I'm not even listening to my inner voice.  I'm telling my inner voice, "This is how it's supposed to be - you just need to like it.  Now do it - and like it!"  Which makes no sense.  It's like having a set of twins as your inner voice.  A good twin and a bad one who ruins everything.

This past year I've really dug in and it's HARD.  Real hard to admit the wasted time, the embarrassment of wasted efforts.  The awkwardness of changing your ways.  The agony of listening to that inner voice, trying to follow it and worried that you've got it wrong and you'll ruin something in the process if you follow it.

I'm finding that inside I'm a petty, controlling person.  I'm also finding that I no longer want to be that way.

Here's what keeps me going.  I want to be considered classy, elegant, fabulous.  Like I said, I have this idea in my head.  So I know I'm supposed to love fancy salads with goat cheese, fruit that is in season and savored at the appropriate times, a GOOD glass of wine.  And I do enjoy these things.  But in reality I love to relax with a bag of Doritos.  Washed down with a coke.  Usually followed up with a basic candy bar.  When I get home from a rough week and I find that my husband has bought me "my favorites" I am SO HAPPY.  He knows ME.
I know ME.  That is authentic living.  As silly as it sounds, that is my glimmer of hope that I can slowly feel this way about other parts of my life and be free from how I'm "supposed" to be.

I'll be following along - there is some good stuff here.

[Hepatica]

I am SO HAPPY.  He knows ME.

----

I love that your husband does that for you Hopeful Spine. It's so thoughtful and kind.

Years ago, I had this special therapist who advised me to take myself out one day of the week for a year and treat myself like the child who deserved a good parent. So one day a week I did "Hepatica Wednesdays" - and on that day I imagined myself younger and allowed myself to have the things that I loved, whatever feeling came over me, from sleeping in, staying my in pj's, going out to a favourite shop, or even a trip to a museum, basically being like a really loving parent (to myself) who is trying to get to know me and what gives me joy, and not judging.

Of course I ate chocolate cake for breakfast on the Wednesdays and made bad tv choices and all of that, but it was only one day, and after awhile I got sick of chocolate cake. (not anymore though....)  But, anyway... I got to know myself really well, what I liked and didn't like, how it's okay to be imperfect and the world won't end. It was a really gentle process of getting to know me and practice deeply checking in.

Maybe coincidentally, maybe not, during this experiment I met my husband - who I'm still with and who is not disordered like my FOO and my other boyfriends previous to him had been.

I think I was finally learning what I really needed and wanted rather than looking outward and trying to guess. I really think it helped with the connection to myself that was battered growing up in disorder and abuse.

Now I have had to implement the loving parent who sets limits in a loving way and the loving parent who encourages myself when I am afraid. It's all about re-parenting i think.

[Concerned One]

I have been running a blog for five years. I still haven't filled out the 'about me' page because I don't actually know who I am...

I can relate.  I have my own business and work with a specific public and I have an idea in my head of how I'm "supposed" to be.  Just like how I felt I was supposed to be in marriage.  Or the home I'm supposed to have (how I grew up clashes with how I currently want to live).  Or even the meals I am supposed to cook (the guilt of "wasting" money on organic produce).  Or the clothes I'm supposed to buy.

I am none of those things.  Over the years I've tried hard to be the person I thought I needed to be (in all these categories) in order to succeed.  I had my achievements but overall I was stressed, confused and usually missing the mark (or what I thought was the mark).  I'd watch others around me succeed and thrive and that would make me feel worse.

After a good 5 years of trying to live an authentic life I've realized that I'm failing.  Because I continue to try to authentically force myself into the mold that is out there.  (the crass term, "eat shit and like it" comes to mind).  I'm not even listening to my inner voice.  I'm telling my inner voice, "This is how it's supposed to be - you just need to like it.  Now do it - and like it!"  Which makes no sense.  It's like having a set of twins as your inner voice.  A good twin and a bad one who ruins everything.

This past year I've really dug in and it's HARD.  Real hard to admit the wasted time, the embarrassment of wasted efforts.  The awkwardness of changing your ways.  The agony of listening to that inner voice, trying to follow it and worried that you've got it wrong and you'll ruin something in the process if you follow it.

I'm finding that inside I'm a petty, controlling person.  I'm also finding that I no longer want to be that way.

Here's what keeps me going.  I want to be considered classy, elegant, fabulous.  Like I said, I have this idea in my head.  So I know I'm supposed to love fancy salads with goat cheese, fruit that is in season and savored at the appropriate times, a GOOD glass of wine.  And I do enjoy these things.  But in reality I love to relax with a bag of Doritos.  Washed down with a coke.  Usually followed up with a basic candy bar.  When I get home from a rough week and I find that my husband has bought me "my favorites" I am SO HAPPY.  He knows ME.
I know ME.  That is authentic living.  As silly as it sounds, that is my glimmer of hope that I can slowly feel this way about other parts of my life and be free from how I'm "supposed" to be.

I'll be following along - there is some good stuff here.

I failed too. Last night I basically told my neighbour it's fine to invade my boundaries and make as much noise as he wants. As long as HE's happy! So I wasn't being very authentic. I was being my usual people pleaser.

But as The Guitarman said on another thread, I thinks that's ok. We're allowed to fail.

I love listening to 80s Stallone soundtracks. I love eating potato chips and strawberry laces.

[Hepatica]

"I love listening to 80s Stallone soundtracks. I love eating potato chips and strawberry laces."



Excellent start.

[Andeza]

Actually, Hepatica, that is an excellent point...

Concerned One, it may be encouraging to you to list all the things that *you* love. Things you love doing, your favorite foods, your favorite music, your favorite hobbies. All the favorites. You don't have to list them here, just somewhere that you can reference frequently.

I know my favorite hobby is writing fiction. And you've just gotten me thinking... I've been reading over a lot of older (ten years or so) content and revising it with my increased skills recently. What I didn't really realize is that my main characters each carry a little bit of me around with them. At least, they carry parts of the me that I've become. I wrote them, at the time, to be the strong, smart, honest, organized, and resourceful person I wanted to be. The person that I am slowly becoming. So more than ten years ago, I knew what I wanted and that I wasn't that person yet but needed to become that person. I wasn't Out of the FOG back then... But a part of me clearly wanted to be.

I find it encouraging, in a way.

[Concerned One]

Concerned One:

I read the dialogue and my sense was that it wasn't you being incongruent or inauthentic, it was you mistrusted his question.

First of all.... that's OKAY!!! Be easy on yourself. If you're here, you came from a family where you probably didn't trust someone. All of us are here bc we had to learn to survive in an environment we didn't really trust.

A lot of the work I have done over the years, and maybe it is authenticity work, is trusting my own feelings. Because the guy sounds like a work related friend, you felt his question was ultimately related to work. That's an easy mistake to make. Now I wonder if he has asked you how you are and then asked you for work in the past? If so, there's why you mistrusted his question.

You know yourself better than anyone else. When you begin to trust your feelings and practice self-care and compassion the authenticity will grow.

Turns out my friend/colleague was working after all. You see?  Our instinct is smarter than we are.

[Boat Babe]

Hi all.
I think the quest to be an authentic person is a long and honorable tradition in human society . Most religions, philosophical enquiry and late night chats with friends and a bottle of wine all point in that direction. 

So what we think and feel on this is part of the human condition and, this is important, people who have not been damaged by the pathology of the Personality Disordered also struggle with this.

Problem is, we struggle a lot more than others because the very nature of personality disorders, the very core of the problem, is the alienation of the True Self that is experienced by the disordered person. They are deeply, permanently inauthentic.

This then gets projected onto us. We are gaslit, manipulated, controlled, hurt in myriad ways, stifled, neglected, terrified, lonely, the whole nine yards. That we are here, today, talking about all this in an intelligent and respectful manner speaks volumes about our resilience and capacity to survive and ultimately thrive.

When I was a young woman, I noticed the gap between me observing my life and me living it. This worried me and I felt inauthentic (but didn't have the words for it then).  Over time, this gap has lessened and I feel, not so much authentic, but integrated. I try to act in good faith, I try to be "impeccable with my word" and I try to be emotionally courageous. Many times I fail. Many times I hide behind excuses. Many times I screw up. However, I know that this is so so important, for my own peace of mind, and for the wellbeing of those people who know and love me, that I keep at it.

So be kind to yourself. Know that just by asking the right questions you will eventually find the right answers. Feel that you are not alone in this quest and that you have companions on the journey.  The pilgrimage to the heart of your True Self.

[Jolie40]

being the SG and growing up in a chaotic family, had no idea who I was when I went to college
so picked the wrong major & ended up with a degree in something not right for me

when I got married the search for myself began
we didn't have a child right away so there was time for me to take fun classes, try different jobs

was finally free to discover myself
took painting, drawing, flower arranging, writing classes, etc
volunteered &  travelled with husband

by the time we became parents, I was ready
still discovering things about myself since parenthood helps one grow as a person, too

and I love going to zoos, museums, festivals, etc with husband/child
wasn't much fun growing up so doing all these things now with our child is a lot of fun