Stand on Voicing/Writing No Contact or Letting it Happen With No Explanation

[Hepatica]

Hello Everyone,

I am grappling with this the past couple of days, the benefits and costs of voicing my boundaries with my parents and sister, or simply remaining quiet.

I have passively chosen to remain quiet. I got a new phone with new number that they do not know. I closed my social media accounts. The only way for them to reach me is to show up at the house. (We live in the same small city.) My uNPDf showed up a month ago and lashed out at me and has not shown up again, when I told him to leave. We have not spoken about his words to me that made me ask him to leave.

My parents both have significant personality disorders and addiction issues. They have never sought help for them. My sister has addiction but has seen therapists but I have witnessed no progress in her NPD traits.

I thought about writing them a letter yesterday to give an explanation, esp. as we move into holiday season and the Christmas expectations are always there. Am I being avoidant or am I practicing self-care, which is my responsibility to self over my responsibility to them?

One day my uNPDfather may very well walk into my garden and catch me off guard. He may well say, "Why are you avoiding us?"

I do not like the idea of this bc my blood pressure will rise and the words will not come out right. So I thought about writing the letter, so that I can be compassionate and yet firm. Do they have the right to know in order to change the behaviour that hurts me (the hoarding, the domestic abuse with each other, the way my sister tries to control me and force me to have a relationship with them....)

Do they need to know? They are in their eighties. It's either NC and silence until they die, or it's NC with an explanation (and then they die.) I find this very confusing.

[Andeza]

It's a very personal choice. Whatever you do, realize that you do it for you and you alone. Letter, no letter, they won't get it. This is for you and whatever will bring you the most peace and best foundation to build your future healing upon. Even if you send a letter, they may very well still show up and demand to know what the heck is going on, only because you've malfunctioned and they want their "normal" back.

That said. I would like to point something out. If they really wanted to take the necessary steps to heal the relationship, your father would not have shown up and spouted vitriol. It would have looked more like this: "Hi dear, how are you? We've noticed some changes lately and wanted to talk. Have we messed up? Is there something we need to fix here?" And the words would not be empty, but rather the first steps to a change in behavior.

They are welcome, as well, to have whatever expectations they want to have concerning the holidays. Their expectations are not your concern. I think we sometimes forget that. The expectations of others (with the exception of perhaps a boss) do not dictate our actions. Our actions are solely our decision.

Whatever you decide to do, we're here.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

You ask "do they need to know"?  I would suggest asking yourself "what is going to make me feel most at peace with being and maintaining VLC or NC"?  Basically, I suggest putting the focus on your needs, not theirs. 
 
In my heart, I would bet you likely already have told them. Each time there was a disagreement, a misdeed, a nasty word you likely did express your displeasure upon each incident. It may not seem like it now because there was never any resolution, no mutual understanding, and nothing changed. I think we do not get to VLC or NC by silently suffering mistreatment, but instead we are here by inability to get resolution and our efforts have been run dry.
   
I am not sure you owe them an explanation, but I do believe their lack of understanding is not your responsibility. If you decide to explain, be prepared that they still may claim to have no idea. (For the record, I am one who did go back and explain and my parents tell me they have clue.) It seems to be part of the dysfunction and can be crazy-making. Therefore I suggest to do what will give you peace and be okay with that regardless of what they do from there.   

[GettingOOTF]

I spent my life telling my family the things they did that hurt me. They chose not to stop. I eventually went NC.

My father claims he has no idea why but I’ve asked him countless times to stop the various things he did. He knows. I’m not putting anything in writing for him to pick over and use against me.

For me I feel like sending a letter is an invitation to a response. I would write telling him why and then he would respond with his rebuttal.

My father is particularly cruel to me around my birthday. A week or so before one of my birthdays I blocked him. It took him a month or so to realize but other than reaching out through his brother he hasn’t tried to make contact. I live in a different country so a visit is highly unlikely.

My family never made much effort to keep in touch with me anyway. They never asked about my life when they did. Just talked at me and got in their digs.

When I think of how hard I’ve worked in therapy I realize the unlikelihood of them doing the same work. Nothing will change in how they respond to me. Our roles are too set. And it was my father who set them to begin with.

I feel like with these situations there are no wrong choices though. I think everyone must do what makes them feel best about the situation, but I also think everyone should go on to it with realistic expectations to avoid being hurt. I think many of us want to explain hoping it will finally be what is needed to get them to change and admit the abuse. I don’t think that’s ever the outcome.

[doglady]

Hi Hepatica,

I totally understand your desire to spell it out for them. After all it can certainly feel like the right thing to do: to explain to someone why you are performing a certain action that will affect them.

I just want to mention some backstory, as this was all bit of a process in my case, so thank you to anyone who bears with me on this.

I had a pretty crap childhood and was the scapegoat, as many of us were. I was kind getting on with life but still felt pretty constrained by aspects of my controlling uPDM. I was also frequently the sounding board and listened to my younger siblings' growing concerns, which I shared, about our ageing parent's unhealthy hoarding situation. Previous, polite attempts to assist/talk had gone nowhere. So I chose to speak frankly with my parents with the agreement of three of my siblings (excepting uPDGCbro) - although funnily enough only one of them was anywhere to be seen once I climbed the ramparts...but I digress.

I simply and calmly explained that we were worried about their wellbeing and safety as they got older and more infirm, and that they chose to stay in a dangerous and unhealthy house. I suggested that they would benefit from having a 'bit of a clean up' so that they could stay there safely, for as long as they wanted. Clearly inflammatory stuff, I know. But I did it because I was worried my morbidly obese immobile mother and my father with Parkinson's would not have a hope in hell of getting out of a house fire and, as we all know, those who live in hoarded houses are far more likely to die in a house fire. So, I did this in person, on my own, pointed out the facts and offered any sort of assistance they required. And I was screamed at, cried at, told I was making them ill and that I was being very nasty, and ultimately ordered out of their house under threat of never being spoken to again (if only). So...that all went pretty well, I think.

Then, after some weeks of silent treatment from them...they fronted up on my doorstep acting like nothing had ever happened. 

Since I was having absolutely no truck with them just turning up at my house and acting as if none of this had happened, my husband asked them to leave, and I then emailed them to reiterate my position. Here's where it gets even more crazy. I simply wanted to say that they were not permitted to turn up unannounced at my home without us addressing their treatment of me. This was also in tandem with another incident around the same time, where they acted as FMs for my uPDGCbro's uPD wife who had threatened hurling the law on to me because I had challenged (via brief email) her chronically racist comments, tacit support of white supremacy and bullying of my youngest sister. They thought I should 'just go along to get along' with this person and while I can get along with most people, I pointed out that I have no desire to make nice with angry, personality disordered racists. But my parents are racist, too, so no surprises there.
So as you can see, that also went reeeally well.   

Anyway, sorry the preamble is so long, but this leads to what happened regarding the email where I told them. Despite me bending over backwards to phrase this email to them reasonably, and objectively, as to why it was not ok for them to treat me as they'd been doing, it unleashed an ongoing textbook PD shit-storm of abuse, blaming, silent treatment, threats, downright lies, smearing, gathering flying monkeys, gaslighting, projection, rug sweeping, you name it, along with...criticism of my grammar (because that's obviously what's important). They blamed me for 'causing all the trouble,' kept telling all and sundry that they didn't know what they'd done wrong (which was difficult not to hear about from others as I live in the same small rural community),  but showed no interest whatsoever to engage in any conversation or to change any of their behaviours (which of course I accept they do not have to). They also accused me of making them very ill, and that they have 'very little time left,' (both in their 80s, so yeah, they're probably right).
So, that also went fantastically well. 

Can you see a pattern, here?

I guess I was just done, by that point. I couldn't do anymore. I had to put me and my FOO first and look after our health and wellbeing. So, basically these days, I now look back and think OK, none of it did any good. Except that it took me on a journey of learning, which I clearly needed. Plus I am glad that I said what I said. I got it out there. They never listened when I was young. They've never wanted to hear a damned thing I say, unless it's absolute agreement with their racist, homophobic, ultra-conservative, religious viewpoints (the latter two they are welcome to, it's just not my bag; the former two I can't condone in any way). But even if they chose not to hear my perspective, I said it anyhow. For once. Any despite their disingenuous faux ignorance ('we just don't know what we've done'), deep down they can't deny it - even though they continue to do so, of course.

So this is my experience of letting them know why I went VVVVVVVVLC, virtually NC at this point as I don't contact them, reply or read their emails. Make what you will of my example, Hep. I hope my experience helps you in some small way.

[nanotech]

What absolutely awful treatment for both of you!
I see a calm strength in your responses.

I'm where you are in terms of my contact, but luckily, they don't turn up on the doorstep! 
They are more the covert type so if I withdraw they can't really cope with how to contact me.
I'm still in contact with BPDdad. I have boundaries up and he follows them- so far.

Because almost all of my family's  attacks are covert/ passive aggressive, that's dependent upon my reactivity. I've done work on that. My not reacting has messed their system up good and proper.
They have got to full rage mode in the past, so I'm not out the woods. You see, this wasn't true when my BPD mum was alive. She would act out forNPD dad and brother and sister. She would ring and tell me I'd upset them with my 'behaviour' and that I needed to get back in line. 
My dad, brother and sister have all raged at me in the past, over perceived slights. But they don't now rage face to face. It's part of their own self- gaslighting I think.
It was calls, emails, texts. All passive aggressive, so they could deny it
if challenged. So I stopped challenging them and just took away the paths. I blocked them online etc.

I do sympathise- it's really hard that they turned up like that. 
I guess it's a matter of just doing what you are doing- a combination of ignoring them, and the holding of boundaries. All while practising self love.

Jerry Wise says that when they accuse you of making them 'ill', or 'sad', or whatever, they are trying to force you to behave like THEY  want you to behave. They want us to be how THEY want, not how we are.
In other words, they are not accepting us AS WE ARE. That's  huge in terms of the invalidation. I can identify. I've been told to swallow my opinions.
I've been gaslighted ( by my mother) about being gaslighted by my brother ( yep you read that right). This was in order to appease my NPDbrother ( golden child) and to cover up his lies to me, to my dying mother, and his efforts to intimidate me and smear my FOC.
Sigh 😔.
They require us to deny our own authentic selves.
How dare they?

[DetachedAndEngaged]

I've struggled with this question several times in my life.

"Am I being avoidant or am I practicing self-care, which is my responsibility to self over my responsibility to them?"

You are practicing self-care by avoiding PDs with lifelong destructive habits.

"Do they need to know?"

As your parents are in their 80's, you have certainly communicated to them and your sister countless times what they need to do differently to enable a healthy relationship. They haven't made those changes. Nothing you are going to say, write or do will change that. It is a hard truth to face.

What I've done in this situation is to write a letter, never send it and kept it around to revisit when I was having doubts or felt a need to justify my decision. Eventually that letter was tossed in the trash because it had served its purpose.

Hang in there. NC is powerful. Not easy, but gets better and easier over time.

[Hepatica]

To Each of You:

Andeza, BlueberryPancakes, GettingOOTF, doglady, nanotech, DetachedAndEngaged

I sit here in awe of all of us. I am absolutely amazed and proud of all of YOU. Do you, do I, even understand what we've been through?

WE HAVE, AND ARE, STANDING UP TO BULLIES!

I know that sounds simple, but this is an ultimate battle. We are rescuing ourselves. We are running into the battlefield, fistfights, gunfire blaring and we are in there pulling ourselves out! It takes such courage.

I cannot be grateful enough for this platform.  I don't know what I'd be doing right now with all of this angst.

doglady  Can I thank you personally? My husband is non-white, I am white and I have lived in this terrible anxiety the past few years about racism and how this could affect my husband and son. Each could be perceived as Muslim or Latino, and I am so so scared of racism hurting them. I want to thank you for standing up against the racism you saw in your family. I want to send you the biggest, warmest virtual hug (only if you like hugs though) and a thank you for what you've done. It means so much to me bc I know how much you have lost by standing up against it. Your courage and strength and integrity really touches me and gives me hope. Thank you.

Yep. I'm having a breakthrough moment. I've felt it coming this week. It feels like a release.

I realize after reading your comments that I don't need to tell them. GettingOOTF What you said about telling your family your whole life. I have been doing that too. So there really is no need for me to tell them any more. They are not going to change. I just have to accept that that's the way it is and I can still have a good life.

nanotech What Jerry Wise said gives me food for thought. I am certain my uNPDf would find a way to say in his indirect way that I am causing them all of their pain and aches and sorrows. My response to that is: No, I don't cause your illnesses. In fact you should be proud and fulfilled that your daughter is living her best life.

Don't know why but The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran keeps running through my mind these days. I read it so long ago. The chapter about Your Children - and how they are the Sons and Daughters of Life's Longing for Itself. I mentioned it to a person here on a thread. It is so powerful to me right now. The disordered families, they don't own us. If they had cared for us lovingly and even imperfectly, we would all be willingly with them and enjoying their company, helping them, because we would want to be there. But this has not been our experience. We haven't been in families. We've been in toxic systems that consciously or inadvertently pass toxicity out there into the world. This healing has to begin by saying no. We will not pass this on. We must heal. It's truly a gift for this world.

What losses we've had though. That is the biggest truth here and the hardest thing about it all. We have stuck by our integrity and with great courage we walk away, or we try to fight something old and soul destroying. We are pretty darn amazing when you think about it.

It's generational trauma. That's my breakthrough moment. I get it. I know where it's come from in my family background, esp. on my mother's side.

Reading My Grandmother's Hands right now and I agree with the author that healing this generational trauma is one of the best things we can offer in an effort to help this world.

[DetachedAndEngaged]

It is a battle, but easier when we have comrades.

I keep a list of helpful quotes I've discovered here and elsewhere online.

Maybe you can relate to this one:

"In a way my NC is an act of forgiveness. I'm actively accepting who my my parents are now, instead of trying to get them to love me. I accept who they are but that means I accept how abusive they are and how I can't control it. I'm letting it go."

[doglady]

doglady  Can I thank you personally? My husband is non-white, I am white and I have lived in this terrible anxiety the past few years about racism and how this could affect my husband and son. Each could be perceived as Muslim or Latino, and I am so so scared of racism hurting them. I want to thank you for standing up against the racism you saw in your family. I want to send you the biggest, warmest virtual hug (only if you like hugs though) and a thank you for what you've done. It means so much to me bc I know how much you have lost by standing up against it. Your courage and strength and integrity really touches me and gives me hope. Thank you.

My pleasure, Hepatica. Your comment means a lot. Sorry I didn't acknowledge it earlier but I've not logged on for a few days.
And hug accepted and right back at ya! 
Just regarding your point about how much I have lost by standing up against racism in my family, my take on this is that if they're going to be racist then I'm fine with losing them as it's a non-negotiable for me. Plus, it has to be said, there are victims of racism all over the world who have lost everything. So if I lose a bunch of racist dickheads from my life then it's really no big deal in the greater scheme of things. I'm happy to see the back of them, frankly.
And I'm so sorry to hear you have felt (unfortunately all too understandable) anxiety regarding your husband and son and possible racism against them. I hope that never happens, but how I wish the world were different.

[Hepatica]

Dear Doglady, If every person took the stand you are, of racism being a non-negotiable and instead met a person and judged that person on their actions alone over time, so much would improve.

Unfortunately we have experienced racism in the little village where we live. During a walk one day a woman told my husband to go back to where he came from, right in front of my son, who was young at the time, and me. This woman knew nothing about my husband, that he is well loved teacher in our community and that he is gentle and kind and the most healing person I've ever had in my life. I felt sick for days afterward, like I had contracted a flu and I cried and cried. A few days later after sharing what happened with a friend in the neighbourhood, a few neighbours showed up at our house and told us that they had heard and that they were sorry. They told us that my husband was loved and an asset to the community. I will never ever forget that kind gesture, that they went out of their way to tell us that. It was a beautiful and it is people like them, and like you. who mend us all back together when we've been harmed. Again I thank you.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

To Each of You:

Andeza, BlueberryPancakes, GettingOOTF, doglady, nanotech, DetachedAndEngaged

I sit here in awe of all of us. I am absolutely amazed and proud of all of YOU. Do you, do I, even understand what we've been through?

WE HAVE, AND ARE, STANDING UP TO BULLIES!

Just wanted to say thanks for this, Hepatica. I agree with you. When I think of what I and all of us on this forum have the courage to face and deal with, I am hugely proud. We have self rescued. Wow. It is so nice to take a moment and just be grateful for how far we've come. Thanks. 

[blues_cruise]

I always felt like it was a no win situation either way, so considering I was the one being continuously emotionally abused by remaining in contact I chose the path which was more manageable in terms of my mental health. If I had communicated no contact to NF in writing there would have been a massive fallout, with him showing the letter to family members (plus friends, acquaintances, anyone who would listen...), playing the victim and potentially turning up at my workplace and creating a scene. He's reactive with zero control of his rage and it would have been horrendous. I was so fragile at the time and had already had a mental breakdown the previous year due to his mind games. I think NF rates quite highly on the dark triad in terms of personality disorder and I was very mindful of what he was capable of.

Instead I made the decision after the last boundary violation and verbal abuse that I would quietly withdraw. I've faltered over the years as to whether it was the right thing to do and felt a lot of guilt at times when I've been feeling low, but considering the circumstances, his behaviour and my desire to finally gift myself some space and peace I don't see how it could have gone any other way.

My siblings have chosen to remain in contact with him. A couple of years after we stopped communicating NF was still asking them if they knew why I wasn't talking to him, while playing the victim and continuing  to maintain that he didn't have a clue what he could have possibly done. I presume he probably still does this but siblings and I don't talk as much as we used to and when we do it's kept medium chill, so who knows what's being said nowadays (who cares?) Rather than feeling the guilt for this that I used to, I'm realising of late that this speaks far more about him than it does about me. I think his reaction would have been largely the same regardless of whether the no contact was put into writing or not and quietly withdrawing was the lesser evil in my circumstances.

In short, my advice is to do whatever feels most comfortable for you going forward. If they really want to then your parents can choose to self-reflect on their behaviour regardless of whether you formally declare no contact or not. It's entirely their responsibility to do that. Abusive behaviour naturally drives people away and gives them a need to protect themselves. I think PD people know this full well and that playing dumb is just another tactic to gaslight us and downplay the abuse. My father has demonstrated on numerous occasions that cognitively he knows how people should be treated and is capable of wearing the mask if it's of benefit to him. I think it's their ego, sense of entitlement and seeing their children as extensions of themselves rather than individuals which makes them fight the reality, because they can't stand to not be fully in control of us.

[reiki]

Hi Hepatica (and Everyone who has replied  ),

Thank you for starting this discussion! I'm also grappling with this decision too.

I feel so bad for not communicating my decision to go no contact with my mother, but I also know to do so would likely cause lots of circular conversations, and I would come away feeling worse than when I started the conversation. Eg. She has hinted in the past that "no one is perfect", like I'm demanding an unreasonably idylic relationship from her when I try to discuss how difficult things are. A tiny part of me holds on to statements like this, and other things she says, and I just don't want the hurt.

I also don't know how to communicate to her that I don't want to see or speak to her, without causing her extra/undue pain. If I say it in a direct way it feels so clinical and cold, and if I say it with explanations and emotions the things I say will be held onto by her forever as proof of how bad I am.

Also, dreading bumping into her again while out and about - if I don't tell her about no contact she'll come up to talk to me - cue panic!

In short, I have no helpful response, as I don't know what to do myself  , but I just wanted to let you know you are not alone.

Wishing you all the best.

[nanotech]

It's a tricky one. I think actions speak louder than words. So I do it- but I haven't told them. I'm NC with siblings, and when I get sometimes messages from flying monkeys I just generalise about us 'all being in our own paths'. I might mention boundaries too. But I don't say I've gone no contact with them. 

I'm lucky in that in response to my first putting up boundaries and blocking them in social media, they tried to punish me by not telephoning me. This hurt for a while, but  I soon grieved it out. I sat with the discomfort and I broke their power over me.  I accepted, that to them, having no relationship with me was preferable to their having to change.
For them, the toxicity WAS the relationship- they 'knew' no other way.
Going NC with them was well worth the huge relief my mental health enjoyed, and still enjoys! I hadn't realised how heavy the burden had been, till I put it down and walked away.
I say I'm lucky about the lack of calls, because it kinda gives me a getoutofjailfree card.
If I'm pushed by the occasional flying monkey, if if my dad mentions it, I just say I have boundaries these days, and 'anyone can ring me'.

I'm aware that it's the last thing any of them will do at this point. 

Their aim is to get social media links restored so they can mock. gaslight/ triangulate / bully/ coerce/ blame/ shame/ guilt me once more. 

Phoning became pointless to them when I began saying no to the triangulation, the drama conversations, and the blaming / shaming etc.
I totally ruined their fun. 

They think I've become a New Agey/ Woke Buddhist/ yogi  ( mostly true!)  and that I've  gone crazy, but they would say that, wouldn't they? I'm quite happy to let them think along those lines as they don't know how to fight it, only how to mock it.
It is my  peaceful demonstration of independence. I don't 'join in' any more, even as an adversary. I totally dropped the rope.

I don't live in the same town, though my UNPDad (VVLC) has mentioned turning up at my house. 
I'm in the UK and the current restrictions mean that it's illegal for him to do so right now!
It gave me an EXTREMELY satisfying feeling to tell dad that it was against the law right now for him to drive to my area, enter my garden and knock on my window! Silver linings and all that....!