Hoovered Again

Started by nightbird2012, September 29, 2020, 09:03:35 PM

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nightbird2012

For the past few years, my siblings have dropped out of my life. I had gotten used to it but one of my PD sisters started getting in touch again, so I happily shared happenings in my life with her. Wrong move! She started making veiled comments about why some people are lucky and others are cursed.

What had recently happened was that my husband and I purchased a new house. We had spent the last five years saving, fixing our credit, building up our score so that we could buy a home. When I told her, she got envious. Too late, I remembered how she always envied me, when we were children. Didn't matter if it made sense or not! She would go on crying jags, call me and talk suicide, saying nobody loved her, she couldn't find love, and how come other people always got what she wanted, etc. Talking to her when she is like this is like pouring water into a bucket with a hole in it. Then I get accused of not caring, when what she is doing is trying to manipulate me into having her come and stay with me, which would be disastrous.

So she attempted to buy a house of her own. The old sibling rivalry at play here. I genuinely wanted her to succeed, because she wanted her own home so badly. All her children have kicked her out at different times, and they are running out of patience. She is on SSI, and has been living in shelters and rented rooms. I was surprised that she got into negotiations for a home, but encouraged her and gave as much advice as I could in terms of the home buying process. I knew that things could go wrong because of her limited income and the fact that she has led such a transient life. So when she yelled at the loan officer and accused him of discriminating, suddenly the whole thing went to hell and she is now on the verge of being homeless. She called me, sobbing, and admitted that she had also yelled at her landlady. Now she has no home to move into, and the landlady wants her out. When I didn't offer her a place to stay, she sent me an email that basically reduced me to tears. as she blamed me for everything and accused me of not caring about her. She has done this multiple times before, but this time it hit a nerve and I ended up in tears. 

guitarman

This all sounds very familiar to me!

My uBPD/NPD sister has alienated everyone in the family by her behaviour. She can't see that and projects all her concerns onto everyone else. According to her the family are all to blame for everything that has gone wrong in her life. It's never her.

Become a lighthouse not a lifeboat. It's what I try to do by calmly pointing her in the direction of professional help, but she often rejects their support or is rude to them. I have reached my limit and don't want any more contact with her. I wish only good things for her. I care but can't cope.

I have learnt not to do idiot compassion any more. You may find this link useful to a webpage about a quote from Pema Chödron that explains "idiot compassion" https://quotes.justdharma.com/idiot-compassion-pema-chodron/ The quote is taken from her book called "The Places That Scare You: A Guide to Fearlessness in Difficult Times". I posted about it in the "Other Media Resources" section of the forum. I have also posted links there to YouTube videos about narcissistic abuse that you may find of help.

As you say it would be disastrous if your sister moved in with you. Please keep remembering that. Keep firm with your boundaries.

My sister frequently rages and threatens suicide. It's a way of controlling people to get them to do what she wants. Threatening suicide is abuse. Abusers are all about power and control. She frequently used to say that no one cares about her. That really used to push all my buttons when she's had so much love, financial help, practical and emotional support for decades. It's never enough. There is a big hole that can't ever be filled no matter how much we pour into it.

Whatever happens, stay calm. Observe, don't absorb.

You are not alone here.

Keep calm. Keep strong. Keep posting.
"Do not let the behaviour of others destroy your inner peace." - Dalai Lama

"You don't have to be a part of it, you can become apart from it." - guitarman

"Be gentle with yourself, you're doing the best you can." - Anon

"If it hurts it isn't love." - Kris Godinez, counsellor and author

BlakeParsons

it's awful and so hurting when your family is doing things like that. However, just remember that you don't owe her anything... It;s your life and your choice!

nightbird2012

Thank you for helping me regain my path. It is incredibly helpful to hear that others have gone through this, too! I had a rough week, but came through it okay. I have deleted all her emails and texts and will go forward from here. You are right, @guitarman; I don't owe her anything! When we were children, I was usually both the scapegoat and the rescuer. I shudder to think of the money, time, and emotional investment I put into my family. My mother was also BPD and she would respond to my offers of help with accusations that I was just trying to show her up. In front of whom? :roll: My sister is envious of my pets, my house, my husband, even if I got a head cold she would envy that. I am so thankful for this forum!
BlakeParsons, I like the idea of lighthouse and not lifeboat. Thanks.

ScarlettOHara

I am new here but I just wanted to say that I know how you feel.  One of my sisters is uBPD and she's just a bottomless pit of need.  I could (and have) do anything for her and it will never be enough.  She can be so insightful when it comes to other people but she has zero insight into herself.  She is exhausting and I'm at my breaking point with her.  I have done so much for her over the years, yet I still "just don't show her that I care."  It's mind-blowing and incredibly frustrating.