Most unwanted emotional threesome

[hernoodlyness]

Newbie to the site! Hi

I am in the process of building up my boundaries AGAIN and trying to be more firm. I have two young kids and I feel that the constant dread of pissing off my BPD mother is affecting the quality of my parenting and how I respond to my partner in normal sticky life situations. And, geez, has 2020 been challenging.

If allowed I will just try and briefly sketch my current challenging situation and ask for some tools or tips on how other members will handle it.

After years of infertility and treatment, my mother and father adopted both my brother and I (as infants). As a young adult I tried making contact with my biological mother. At that point she was not prepared to, which I of course respected.  Later, in my 30s, she felt ready to establish contact and we have had a reasonable platonic relationship since. I have come to know my biological sister too, which has been a wonderful experience. I see much of myself in her when I was younger.

Early on when I was establishing my relationship with my biological mother and I still did not have a name for my mother's actual disorder I made the single most terrible mistake of sharing information about contacting my biological mother. She wanted to come for a visit and I was not sure how to keep all the secret balls in the air.

Guys- possibly the single  most stupid thing I have done. Since the visit, my mother has inserted herself into this relationship- one  which I am yet to figure out. She has casted herself as the hero in the tale; the benevolent mother who will do anything for her daughter.  On several occasions I have gotten the distinct feeling that they have been communicating about me without my knowledge. As a result I have pulled back a bit from the situation, because it is starting to feel weird and tainted by the BPD oil slick that sticks to all my important interactions.

On Sunday evening, my biological sister let me know that my birth mother was in a very serious car accident and kept me updated. Although she sustained some serious injuries, she is ok. The horrifying thing for me was that my first thoughts were about whether to tell my mother or not Because you KNOW somehow she will make the accident all about her. Somehow.

The next morning I sent a neutral whatsapp to tell her and said I will keep her updated when I receive news. Only for her to tell me she already knew the evening. In her most formal tone. And that she wants to have a serious discussion with me about my biological mother.

Just the thought of having a discussion about anything sends me into a dread anxiety spiral. At 43 years of age, I have such shame about this inability to just not get sucked up into her emotional storm. It takes me straight back to the scared little girl hiding behind a tree while she is looking for me to
yell and vent some more.

I don't WANT to discuss my relationship with my biological mother. It feels like is should be mine to figure out. I have tried to make it clear over the years with keeping conversations polite and neutral when it comes to it.  But I also feel like I am guilty, because I shared the information in a moment of weakness.

I guess the storm is coming, whether or not I want it to. I have texted my love and support to my biological mom in hospital. It feels like our dynamic has shifted and she seems....colder.  I cannot help but suspect that my BPD mom has been sabotaging a relationship that has not been given much of a chance to grow or evolve. I was hoping to see where it would go, but now it just feels all wrong and horrible and tense.

Friday is the start of probably much needed sessions with a therapist familiar with my situation. I see many posters practicing scripts for verbal confrontations, so I am hoping to prepare one on Friday too for the inevitable shitshow.

Thank you if you worked your way through this post that is much longer than I thought it would be. Any thoughts on the situation would be fantastic. I have no idea what a healthy mother daughter relationship feels like. I get glimpses of it with my mother in law (who is just wonderful). Obviously I have never wanted to let my biological mother know that things were not that great growing up, because she does not need that additional guilt. But part of me feels she needs to warned to not fall into the trap if we stand any chance.

Mostly I just wish I never opened this door. Is that not the saddest thing.  Other than that I live for the day that an email or text notification does not send me into fight of flight mode 

I have started doing pottery and found that being busy creating something and focusing on the process brings some inner calm, so that has left me hopeful. I am sure I was never meant to be this scared version of myself. I see bits of the parallel universe me when my sense of self is not threatened, and I like that person

Hope everyone is safe and healthy 

[nanotech]

Wow I'm not sure I can be of any help but anyway I'm sending you lots of love!
You are protecting your biological mum from knowing about your mum's PD. Understood, but maybe think twice about it if it's at the expense of your self and your own mental health.
There are so many emotions milling about - as you say it's an emotional threesome!
Your bio mum - wait till you see her before worrying that your mum is getting to her. I wouldn't go on texts she's sending.
I'm starting to think that clueing up your bio mum to your mum's PD may have to happen in the future.
I feel that your welfare must come before your bio mum here. I'm sure she'll be fine and she will deal with it okay and then at least she will be aware.
You have had the hardest journey, not either of them.
Also, I think eventually, your mum may start to turn on your bio mum. This is a possibility as your mum ages. Bio mum is going to benefit in the long run from knowing that much of what your mum presents to her is an act, an illusion. Your mum may be feeding on bio mum's  guilt. It's good supply for a PD. Knowing the truth may actually make bio mum feel less guilty in the long run?
I'm hesitant to advise though. I'm not a therapist so please take what you want from my words, and leave the rest! But definitely take some love and hugs! Hope your bio mum gets well soon! Xx 🤗❤️🥰🤗
Are you in therapy? I think you would benefit from some professional advice on this situation.

[hernoodlyness]

It sure is a tricky situation, and you are absolutely right: this is a fantastic emotional feeding ground for this group of disorders. I will take all you have given especially the hugs

After a long break, I am starting therapy again Friday. Going cautiously optimistic to try and improve the situation for myself, but also for those close to me.

[SunnyMeadow]

I'm starting to think that clueing up your bio mum to your mum's PD may have to happen in the future.

This was my first thought too. Or at least let bio-mom and sis know you'd like to keep the two relationships separate. Plus you hope your mother doesn't have anything to do with them.

As for your mom, gray rock and medium chill any interactions with your new side of the family. Say very little and eventually, nothing at all. I think this could be good in general with her. Become boring and busy when talking to your mother. Taper off and eventually end any life information. Now I talk about my dog, the weather, new recipes and more boring stuff.

I'm glad you're going to a therapist. Good that you're taking time for yourself!

[Lookin 2 B Free]

I'm so sorry this is happening!  The tentacles some of these PD's have!  It can feel like some out of control malignancy invading our lives and our sense of self.   And of course you want to have a good basis for starting this very important relationship with the bio mom who brought you into this world and with whom you share half your genes!

I'm glad you have a therapist to help you work this out and hopefully extricate yourself from the triangle.  I'm also in a triangle with an FOO inserting themselves into my FOC.   I'm working through it with my T.  I tried talking to the FOO in a nonblaming way, which went nowhere.  I've lowered contact with them and am tempted to do that with the member of my FOC just to get away from the whole thing, even though I love the FOC relationship.   

My therapist is advising me not to do that and consider having a candid conversation with my FOC member instead.  That makes sense.  My gut survival response is to want to just run away from it all.  I have so much aversion to the intrusiveness and I hate that someone can waltz in and alter a 30 yr relationship in a matter of weeks.  But withdrawing would deprive me and my FOC of something precious. 

This is your relationship.    I hope you find a way to take good care of yourself in this. 

[Spring Butterfly]

Welcome! First... The Toolbox is there in the website menu for you with all you need - Medium Chill, Boundaries, My Stuff Your Stuff, etc and it all works.

Second... No no no you get to do exactly this

I don't WANT to discuss my relationship with my biological mother. It feels like is should be mine to figure out.

no one can make you discuss anything. You totally have the right to decline further conversation. It's perfectly normal and acceptable for an adult woman to say to another adult "the topic isn't up for discussion" it's your business who you interact with and how. No excuses needed. Doesn't matter that she is your mother. Nope, one adult human doesn't get to tell another adult human who they can and can associate with or what that relationship would look like.

have tried to make it clear over the years with keeping conversations polite and neutral when it comes to it.

PD persons generally don't respond to polite or hints or pickup on normal social graces. You don't need to offer polite neutral conversation and don't need to try at all. You're fine to shut it down. You don't need to tippy toe around your "no" and you can say it in a kind but firm voice. My first few "no's" were barely a whisper but they were mine and I owned them.

But I also feel like I am guilty, because I shared the information in a moment of weakness

Lesson learned shut off the information spigot. Done.

For years I was stuck in Freeze / Fawn (check Pete Walker's website for detail) and it's time to take and own your human rights. 

I'm starting to think that clueing up your bio mum to your mum's PD may have to happen in the future.

this is a good idea and I use words like "not emotionally healthy" "a bit off balance" "not completely sound emotionally and mentally" so it sounds less like amateur diagnosis and is language everyone can understand.

You can do this.