I Never Thought About This Aspect of Abuse

[Lookin 2 B Free]

I read something today saying most abusive people "find the very idea of equality humiliating."  They can only abide supremacy.  If if they don't get that, they hurt you.  And if they don't get to win, they'll burn it all down with them.

Yes!  That's how the abusive people in my life have behaved.  As if my relating as an equal humiliates & diminishes them.  Like I have committed an outrageous offense & stolen their dignity . . . just by having acted as a peer, a fellow human being who is not below them. 

Of course.  It makes sense that humiliation is underneath that.  Narcissistic injury, maybe.  I'm glad I'm dropping those people from my life as quickly as I can.  The vast majority,  already gone.  You don't even know how oppressive it's been until you get out from under it!

[losingmyself]

Yes to this!
I find it in my marriage all the time. He acts as though he's above me, when I say that to him, he's shocked and appalled!
"I'm going to nail the f-ing windows shut!" Because he wants them shut. But he's the only one who wants them shut on a beautiful day. It wouldn't surprise me if he did just that, so I leave them.
Stuff like that, all the time
Answering a question with "What do you THINK?? GOD!!"
I think this is how he was treated as a kid, along with being completely abandoned by his parents, and treated like the less that favorite by them, no matter how hard he tried to gain acceptance

[clara]

It's a dysfunctional dynamic to be sure, but the only one they know likely because they grew up with it.   They saw the power the abuser had over the abused, and learned to crave what they didn't have growing up--power.  And it make sense that the idea of having power goes along with the idea of being superior, in some way.    They have to psychologically justify what they're doing.  How often do they say, well, you deserved it!

[blunk]

I definitely dealt with this with my bpdxh, usually in terms of intelligence. I don't know how to say this without sounding like I'm boasting, but I was smarter than my x, most specifically when it came to my chosen field which is very technical.

Not to say that he was dumb, but he did not have a technical mind. One time I started to tell him about a job I was working on that I thought was really interesting. He told me I would have to dumb it down, because he didn't know what I was talking about. When I did, he screamed at me, you don't have to talk to me like I'm a child.

He would constantly tell me that I was "just book smart", but that I didn't have any "street smarts" like him, or that I lacked common sense. For a while he even took to calling me a "retard" until I actually flipped out on him for that. Now I will fully admit that I have absolutely no sense of direction, never have, never will. He would frequently tell me that he had a "built-in compass" and always knew where he was going. He would also yell and scream if I made a wrong turn, to the point that I actually refused to drive with him in the car. The downside to that is that if he became angry while driving he would start to speed and drive erratically, but that is a whole different story.

Other times I would be called a know-it-all, or told not everyone can be as smart as you. And don't even get me started on him starting college, and asking me to tutor him in basic math (think fractions). He actually accused me of making things up because he couldn't follow along. Which was a bit baffling as he had worked for a while as a carpenter.

He could not in any way deal with being corrected. On one occasion, we had the neighbors over for a cookout, and we got to talking about when our houses were built. He stated a year that was incorrect, I simply said, no it was xyz year (the reason I remembered is because it was the year my parents were born). He didn't say anything right then, but I got THE LOOK. After they left he went into a rage about how I always have to be right, followed by the silent treatment. It bothered me because I'm the type of person who wants to be told if I make a mistake, as I am always willing to learn. But to him, showing that he was wrong about something meant that I was trying to diminish him in the eyes of other people. I thought about it afterwards, because I was concerned that I was wrong. But then I thought, if he even said it was built in abc decade, I would not have ever thought to add anything as that would have been a correct statement. Next, I wondered if it was just the way my mind works, the fact that my work is very precise and I tend to think in terms of precision. I certainly didn't say it to demean him, but my head was still left spinning. To this day, I still wonder if I should have waited to say something. But I also think, in a healthy relationship, the other person would say oh yes you're right honey, my mistake.

Which brings me back to the main idea here...these are not healthy relationships. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this kind of treatment.

[blacksheep7]

I get it!

Unfortunately many are in our FOO or FOC.  Bil who is a boss and always  acts as if he is superior the know it all type even with his family.  He talks politics but only looks at my dh for answers as if I'm ignorant in that matter and has done this several times.
We went on vacation with him and his wife, dh sister, for the last time!   He was listening to his employee's phone calls with the customers on hands free in the morning while we were having our coffee and or reading the paper. 
Let me tell you that I didn't stop myself from talking, there were six of us.
He is a big coffee drinker which replaced the alcohol (like many) and one time when he asked sil for a cup,  she said that she'd had to make a fresh pot.  He answers «you know there always has to be coffee ready»???? 
This same man told me he only drank 4 cups a day.

Pds are abusive liars, Big manipulators, overate their knowledge, not to be trusted.   I've heard so many of his nonsense stories that always change, for one about their reasons in moving on average every two years.  He doesn't want to put an extra load of work on his wife.  Yeah?  Stop moving!!!!  Expected us to help him move. No.

He is near 70, a heavy smoker and has had operations in recent years. One, ulcers.

[SparkStillLit]

Blunk, so similar here! I'm not technical AT ALL, at least not like with electronics and that. Although, I could probably be better, I know I have learned helplessness there because updh is very very aggressive with that stuff. But anyway, I'm same as you in my field. H still acts like I can't use the basic tools of my trade. If I say anything about anything, he just gets all crummy and says he doesn't know what all that is, and he gets impatient, stops listening, and doesn't want to hear it. I can't correct him on anything, ever.
I do not have a built in compass at ALL, I can't find my way out of an empty room, but because of a previous job, I CAN read maps and use directional equipment perfectly well. He ignores this and just lumps me as "bad with directions". I'm actually not. Again, because of my job, I need to know where I'm going and not be going all over creation. HE claims to "always know where he is" and be "super excellent with direction" and all that, and he too is impossible to drive with.
Also, he consistently refuses to listen when he's going somewhere I've been and he hasn't, and I'm telling him where things are or if they are marked or not, and he's looking at Google Maps and it looks different, and I keep telling him I HAVE BEEN THERE. MORE THAN ONCE. SEVERAL TIMES. THIS IS WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE. He snaps at me and I'm like fine. Get lost. I don't care.

[losingmyself]

Does anyone else's SO watch home improvement TV or other shows like that, and sit there and tell the people on the tv how stupid they are, how they're doing everything wrong?
I asked him one time why he watched the show, it just made him irritated.
He's just smarter than everyone

[TheEscapeArtist]

Is it that they have an extraordinary need for validation? Their world is so small they have to be the absolute best at everything in it.

My uPDx once woke from a nightmare. In it, she told me, she dreamt that she had died and was looking down on me not being able to find DD5's tights.

If I had a nightmare about her it would be that if I died I would leave her alone with a mother who shouts and screams and swears at her.

But for her the big disaster was that I wouldn't know which drawer the tights were in. Its the smallness of the concerns which astonishes me!

[blunk]

SparkStillLit,  this is so familiar. I never cared that I wasn't good at directions, I was comfortable using a map. The first time I went for a hike after starting the divorce process, I went with a friend. Firstly, I made a wrong turn on the way to the trail. head. I was in a panic, but his answer was, it's ok, these things happen.  It was actually my birthday and I picked the the trail.  Turns out I messed up and the trail's end was about 3 miles from where we started. Internally I was so afraid that he would be mad that I screwed up. Instead we hitchhiked with a random stranger,and now have an awesome story. That  NEVER would have happened with the x.

[SparkStillLit]

SEE! No horrible things ever happen like these people say they will!!
Ok fine, I'm sure horrible stuff happens sometimes. It's just that every little thing, possible potential error, is blown into such a giant earth shattering catastrophe...I feel often like I live on the edge of this crumbling precipice and if I take the wrong sort of breath, everything will come to a horribe end. I NEVER used to be like that, and I'm trying not to be. Especially considering recent events in our lives, I'm trying to behave in a less stressful manner. Everything is NOT a catastrophic life ruining error. It's actually very difficult. He's like a screaming fire alarm in my ear.
You know how you're conditioned to react to screaming fire alarms? There's not a fire for hundreds of miles. But that constant screaming alarm has got me jacked to the max, you know? All the time. Or, like it shuts off for a minute or two, and maybe you dial down to burnt orange, but then the tiniest thing and it goes off again and you're back into vermilion.

[stormbrewing]

I always struggled to work out whether it was regular garden variety entitlement (old fashioned 'head of the family' type thinking) or a pd type behaviour. I guess it doesn't really matter which, it was there and it made us all miserable - him included.

Losingmyself - your comment about the windows really hit home.Sometimes I think that because his feelings were so 'big', he believed that they were stronger than everyone else's, and therefore more valid so should take priority. If he felt any discomfort (eg. hot or cold) it had to be fixed RIGHT NOW. 

[Prototypian]

I find that my uOCPDw has no problem that I may be intelligent.   She doesn't mind that I know things that are technical or scholarly.   She believes that there is no way I can do anything related to construction or fix things myself.   It doesn't matter what the "thing" is from installing a new faucet to replacing a deck board; the assumption is that I am going to mess it up.

[Call Me Cordelia]

I read something today saying most abusive people "find the very idea of equality humiliating."  They can only abide supremacy.  If if they don't get that, they hurt you.  And if they don't get to win, they'll burn it all down with them.

From all the replies it's obvious that this resonates with people.

One of the most outrageous things I've ever experienced along these lines wasn't directed at me. My husband's uNPD grandpa was making his daughter's (My uNPDMIL's) life difficult by dragging his feet about making an obviously necessary move to get his sickly wife into AL, and both of them out of their far-too-much-for-them house across the country from MIL. Everyone agreed they needed to live closer to MIL.

The holdup? Grandpa couldn't bear the thought of being a nobody in his new town. He was a "big shot" in his small town, and he intended to start a column in the local paper, which would then become nationally syndicated, at which time he would be well known enough to think of moving.

Yes, really. His concern was being famous enough.

Not the fact that his wife was beyond their in-home caregiving help. Not the truly disgusting living conditions because he refused to hire help with the cleaning. Not his own declining mobility. Not his daughter giving up her vacation time to clean up his messes. None of that mattered as much as the prospect of being just a regular guy.

The subject of the column that would bring him all this fame and fortune? Aging gracefully. Can't make this stuff up.

My UNPDMIL told me all this herself, by the way. As if it were normal. She defended him! As much as she was being harmed. Her father simply could not be anything but the most special person in the world. This incident majorly pushed me Out of the FOG.

[Tinkerbell12]

hi guys. I have the same home, but in a very covert way. My partner is a humble looking specialist to yell at me at any occasion when I very carefully with chosen words express my opinion in the most neutrally sounding way. This is what I normally get: " I want to be the queen/the manager/the decision maker or that I never agree with him and we are not on the same page" etc,  So much feeling of inadequacy, inner sense of no self worth and emptiness coming from these people. Shame.

Clara just nailed it in her reply: "It's a dysfunctional dynamic to be sure, but the only one they know likely because they grew up with it.   They saw the power the abuser had over the abused, and learned to crave what they didn't have growing up--power.  And it make sense that the idea of having power goes along with the idea of being superior, in some way.    They have to psychologically justify what they're doing.  How often do they say, well, you deserved it!"

[Lauren17]

hi guys. I have the same home, but in a very covert way. My partner is a humble looking specialist to yell at me at any occasion when I very carefully with chosen words express my opinion in the most neutrally sounding way. This is what I normally get: " I want to be the queen/the manager/the decision maker or that I never agree with him and we are not on the same page" etc,  So much feeling of inadequacy, inner sense of no self worth and emptiness coming from these people. Shame.

Exactly the dynamic in my house. And for years, I absorbed his feedback as truth. It's been a struggle to come out of that.
Also the intellect question. H always has to be the smartest person in the room.  We are pretty equal in terms of intelligence, education, and careers. Back when we had friends and did social activities, we had people ask who was smarter. H would stammer and blush and clearly indicate that he was smarter than me, but would never say so because he didn't want to make the wife mad and suffer the wrath.
Disgusting behavior, now that I think back on it.