only two months

[Jolie40]

hi all....just recently found this forum 

it's only been 2 mos since stopping contact with family
finally been sleeping well & not being stressed
do feel guilty for no contact
is this normal to feel guilty?

little info...as a teen, we did some family counselling
the counsellor observed & stated that I was the scapegoat so it was stressful for me growing up & continued to be stressful into adulthood (family get togethers)

[Jolie40]

well, NC is easier now due to the virus
don't know what will happen when Christmas time arrives, if it will still be possible considering most of us siblings have children

[BettyGray]

Yes, totally normal.
Think of it as detox. The guilt is poison, administered to you over your entire lifetime. Guilt in our families has been normalized. We are the scapegoats, and have been programmed to feel our needs and feelings don't matter. So we suppress them, until we can no longer do so without putting ourselves and our mental health in jeopardy. At some point, it has to stop.

It will take awhile for the poison to leave your system. Over time the critical voice in your head will also start to fade. I never really felt any guilt after I made my NC decision. At the time I was so mentally and emotionally destabilized from dealing with them, guilt couldn't penetrate my will to get better.

They want you destabilized. Always remember that. Once you begin to see that, things become clearer. As long as you are unstable, you are weak. PDs are highly threatened by the truth, whistleblowers, and anything that threatens the family myth. They are quite comfortable in their roles and family dynamic. You have rejected your role, and upset the status quo. You are in control now, and to them, that's unacceptable. Expect pushback.

NC is an act of self love. We are entitled to protect ourselves and our FOC from harm. Just because we were taught doing such a thing and as "selfish, doesn't mean that it's true.
Self-preservation is a basic human right, and the term "selfish," when repeated ad nauseum (I will bet you've heard this inaccurate description of yourself as many times as we all here on the forum have). It's a tool they use to punish us for the crime of our -gasp! - asking for respect and decency.

You hopefully will grow out of your guilty feelings and into ones that feel foreign at first: self-confidence,  self-assuredness in your choice to go NC,  and an intolerance for bullying. But it will take time. And even after time has passed, you may experience panga of guilt. But they will not affect you the same way as now, when you are extremely vulnerable.

Welcome to the forum. It has transformed my life - no exaggeration.  I have never felt as validated as I have here. NEVER. After being invalidated my entire life,  didn't know how much I needed to hear from people who have had the same experiences. It helped me understand I wasn't crazy, selfish, or unworthy of love. It gave me a sense of belonging where there was none.  I have never felt so supported as I have on the forum, not even by my FOC who love me. Unless a person has lived this nightmare, they cannot truly understand or empathize.

We are glad you are here and will help guide you through the process of detox from fear, obligation and guilt.

[Boat Babe]

 

[Jolie40]

thank you so much @Liz1018 for your lengthy reply!

don't know how I stumbled on this forum but glad I did

[Jolie40]

you are so right Liz as almost 100% sure that there will be pushback
my role as the scapegoat was so obvious that another sibling also blamed me several times

[BlakeParsons]

it's okay to feel guilt. you know, it's your family, even though you don't belong there, it's still yours, at least your brain thinks like that,  I guess