trying to understand it all re siblings

[Jolie40]

as posted on another thread, only NC for 2 months

trying to understand what all went wrong as all us siblings would still get together for b'days & holidays


husband & I had family over for our child's b'day party last year & that is when I learned two of my siblings stopped talking to each other 2 yrs ago

also, recently learned there is a pipeline because of this to get info
one sibling is close to one of the non talking siblings & then passes info to a go between who then passes info to other non talking sibling

the go between had been emailing me for info about my family & probably passed info up & down the pipeline

so much has gone on with parents & siblings this past year, that I reached the tipping point & stopped calling family & stopped replying to emails (2 mos ago)

for my child's sake and other kids in family, I still wish everyone could all be civil & we could have get togethers still but it seems unlikely

we were the only family to hold a b'day get together last year
that is when we learned two siblings had a blowout & stopped talking

[Jolie40]

stopping the emails has concerned ONE sibling

since I have always been one to reply right away, going NC has suddenly increased emails to me

this particular sibling has never been good about answering my emails but since I didn't reply to one of their emails, they are now sending me emails every few days wondering why I haven't replied


going NC has me worrying less & sleeping better
don't feel like jumping back in

can't believe I'm doing this and haven't given in.....yet

[guitarman]

By not replying to the emails you have cut off feeding their narcissistic supply and they don't like it. They will try to push all your buttons to get a response, any response.

You have done so well for two months. I know that it can't have been easy for you.

Keep calm. Keep strong. Keep posting.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Jolie - you say going NC has you worrying less and sleeping more so I think you are already reaping the intended benefits.  I think it is a positive sign you are on a good course even if it is not an easy.       
   
The increase in number of emails once you stopped replying seems common from a PD. When you do not show reverence to them, compliance to the standards they set for you, or make them your priority they become very active and aggressive in getting you to give them what they have become used to. I agree with guitarman's comments completely.  It is odd how PD in a family can really shine through in the sibling dynamics. It is alright to keep your distance.
 

[Jolie40]

thank you for replies guitarman & blueberry pancakes!


this past year lost so much sleep over family
often only getting 3 or 4 hrs sleep cause just so much going on
I was pulled in, worrying, and helping out
it got too much for me

also, child had a weekend class one day this past yr
husband & I planned a date which we rarely get to have
then family called & wanted help so husband went & I ok'd him to go
really wished I'd said NO as we needed that time alone!

[nanotech]

Take some time for your relationship with your husband and ringfence it.
I'm non contact now with siblings. All variations of PD or enabling/ acting out.
My life is SO much more peaceful!
I had to ignore a flurry of texts from my nbrother who insisted I should allow him to continue baiting then ghosting me.
I'm about six months on from that now. I love that I don't get that sinking feeling any more when he would send passive -aggressive messages. Same with Nsis. .
I've had a couple of cards come through the post that dig at me. I've ignored them.
You are under no obligation to enable their bad treatment of you. You ARE entitled to a happy, independent existence.

[Hepatica]

My situation, the breakdown of my relationship with sister and then parents was like a slow tumbling of an old building. It took years and there was a time where there was a ramping up of their control mechanisms (gossip, sulking etc) until I think they have accepted it mostly now. My uNPDfather keeps trying though and that is upsetting.

With time (mostly away) I feel better. 99% is without them and I do feel better. I feel quieter and calm and like I can finally sort out this old mess on my own, here, on this forum.

It is only when my uNPDfather shows up that my nervous system goes berserk. What is that old saying about checking out the people you surround yourself with before diagnosing yourself as depressed? Sometimes people are just a$$holes and you get your happiness back by walking away from them.

Things are much easier now than it was before.

Good luck. Keep notes. I just re-read an old email I got from my sister a few years ago and it knocked me right Out of the FOG. It was absolutely textbook manipulation and waify illness. I'm glad I re-read it bc it confirmed any doubt I had.

[Jolie40]

Take some time for your relationship with your husband and ringfence it.

thanks for your reply & glad that your life is so much more peaceful now
we should have done that -ring fence

I was angry after we missed our date - angry at myself for saying to husband yes you can help
angry that they called for help on our only time in a long time to have a date

[Jolie40]

it knocked me right Out of the FOG.

thanks for your reply & glad you feel better with time away

I have an email folder titled "bee atch mail"

it has saved mean email from PD mom & siblings
if husband or I get pulled back in, those emails will be a reminder to stop & think hard before getting guilted & pulled back in

[Mazzie]

My situation, the breakdown of my relationship with sister and then parents was like a slow tumbling of an old building.

FAB FAB quote. I think they wouldn't have the brain power to have that reflection. Although of course I'm not forgetting how unsettling and upsetting it all is. It's just the phrase jumps out and says so much