Tired of the relationship, feelings of coldheartedness, bitterness creeping in.

[Tinkerbell12]

Hi guys.

I have been in the relationship with my covertly PD partner for 8 years now. It has been a mentally tiring and uneasy going path. He is a good man, in good times. We have been on plenty of nice trips and holidays together, we in general suit each other well - we love nature, run together, go on bikes, walks, dinner etc, have pretty similar lifestyle which I could not ask for better to be honest - in good times. He loves me and the children to be smiley, positive, engaging. If I am not, or they are not, God forbid! If I am in a slightest mood due to tiredness, hormones, or just being quiet to myself, I get it all from him. If kids (teenagers at this point) wake up tired, grumpy, quiet, not up for school, they are told too.

This is what I normally get:  "Smile!" "It's not the end of the world". "You just came home from work and look what face I have to look at". "You just ruined my mood the moment you came home with this grumpy look". "Don't expect me to be all happy in the house if I don't get it back from the others." "If you want to be in the mood like this I don't want to be around you." and on it goes.

I observed this pattern over the years. It feels like he needs the stimulation from others, like he is not content within self, quite unstable emotionally, even if he is telling how balanced and positive he is. He is certainly not the most enthusiastic, happy and bubbly person himself, he is just neutral. I find life tiring. It either feels like I have to keep the energy up all the time, any my energy drop tips him off and he is either passive aggressive so I know something is up, or he has a go at me. I don't  feel nourished and cherished. All these years I believed I need to work on myself which I have been doing have my mood in same level, not get affected by tiredness or whatever the factor is, but it is impossible. I don't want to make excuses for myself but everybody has a day of being quiet, exhausting time at work or whatever. Yet I feel guilty for it. Obviously, in his eyes in general, I'm the problem, nothing wrong with him.

My thoughts are so controversial, on one hand I like our life, on the other I don't like his behavioural patterns in situations. I feel like I would be crazy to let go, and then I feel like I am crazy to put up with his defected behaviour. I'm thinking, no relationship is perfect, why to run away. But then, why can't I feel reciprocally nourished and cherished.

I love helping people and I have empathy and I am caring. I observed on myself I have started to feel this coldheartedness, resentment towards him the more and more it goes on. When I get told off for my mood etc, I apologize, but  I struggle to pick myself up to be in a happy place and put the happiness on for him.  I feel like I don't care what he thinks and how he feels. It's horrible. I feel very coldhearted. It's not me at all, I don't know how to deal with these feelings.  Do you ever feel like this?

He can see something is up with me and I don't follow the standard first apology/then smiley again state. So he is pulling kindness and smiles at me and I feel like I want to smile back and forget everything and be fine, and to cry from anxiety and despair in the same time, I can't even describe this mixed feeling.

Any insight appreciated.

[11JB68]

Tinkerbell I'm sorry you're dealing with this.
I can relate to this type of behavior.
Right now I'm generally not happy/content. Stressed at work, very unhappy with the covid situation, on top of dealing with Updh.
He tells me to smile
Pwpd don't really see is as separate people. We are an extension of them. They don't look for us to be authentic but rather to meet their needs.

[stormbrewing]

No relationship is perfect, you're right. BUT, I think that we nons have learned to set the bar so low that we accept behaviour that goes way past imperfect and right into abusive. When it isn't overt violence we feel like there is no justification to challenge or leave the relationship. This is definitely still violence, and it isn't ok, and it de-values and de-humanises us. Expecting more is not expecting perfection, it's just expecting to be treated as a human being with needs and feelings.

We all have ups and downs, even the most mentally healthy of us. Downs are a time to process the stressors in our lives and work out how to either cope with them or remove them from our lives. When we are denied that time to process and to feel our feelings then our energy drops, our resilience drops, and our mood drops. 

One thing that really hit home for me after reading your post is that my stbxupdh, and I strongly suspect most of the PDs that we talk about here, would never ever accept being treated like they treat us, or being spoken to like they speak to us. There is no reciprocity in these relationships, and the love has so many conditions attached.

One Saturday morning I woke up and h was in a 'bright' mood and wanted to do 'something'. By do 'something' what I mean is that he expected me to come up with an idea to keep him entertained and having fun. He ask me what I wanted to do. I replied that I wasn't sure yet, it had been a really stressful week at work and I just wanted to grab a coffee and then work it out from there. He lost it. He started throwing things and slamming doors, screaming at me about how I had 'ruined' his whole weekend. Yes, that's right, me not having an immediate and satisfactory answer for what I would like to do that day resulted in a total tantrum. This was one of the times that he left me (ie packs a bag, cries over the pets, says 'goodbye' to the kids), then comes back later still not talking to me, sleeps on the lounge for two nights, before being finally ready 'to talk about it' when I need to be working. By 'talk about it' I mean tell me what I should do or say differently next time to stop this from happening again. At no point whatsoever would it enter his mind to think about my feelings or what might work to help get me into a better headspace. The most frustrating thing was that despite him having been off work for two days already the house was an absolute mess, there were piles of washing, and we were running low on groceries with two hungry teenagers in the house. When I had replied to him that I was stressed from work and just wanted grab a coffee first to work out the day from there that was me putting him first and trying to stop him getting triggered. The honest answer would have been that I needed to get a lot done around the house because we had a commitment on Sunday and another busy work week starting on Monday, but housework was a massive trigger for him so I didn't say that.

[Lookin 2 B Free]

Sorry, Tinkerbell12.    Yes, they mostly do not have a normal sense of self nor much ability to self-regulate emotions.  They demand we do the dance they want so they can feel okay.  Many of us are codependents who react to this by walking on eggshells, caretaking, enabling . . . and basically neglecting our own needs.   

I believe some part of us knows this is not right, even if we were raised to be this way.  And losing touch with the sense of caring and becoming resentful is an important message to us, I feel.

I needed to take the journey inward, finding healing and compassion for myself, addressing the codependency. and learning how to set boundaries and take care of my needs.  I truly, truly believe this makes me a better person for helping others.  My caretaking and enabling before were compulsive and unhealthy and I unwittingly reinforced what was worst for them because those were the things they wanted.

There is a lot of information in the resources and posts here which can be helpful.  Many people also find the book "Codependent No More" valuable.  Please let us know how you're doing.

[notrightinthehead]

In addition to what has been written above, it sounds like you are falling out of love with that man. You have plenty of reasons to feel so, being a Stepford wife takes it out of you, not feeling nourished and supported can be a death sentence for a relationship when you are normal, not co-dependent. 
I found that being honest to myself, as you seem to be, being aware of and alert to my feelings and taking them into consideration when making a decision, being authentic in my interaction with others - all that contributes to my healing.
You write that your partner has noticed that your behaviour has changed and he shows more affection at this time.  This is a sign for you to read up the strategies in the toolbox tab and start applying those that are suitable for you. You will do this in order to protect yourself and your children better from the manipulations - not to change him.

[tragedy or hope]

You answered you own dilemma. "I need to work on myself," very insightful. He is not going to change. Working on yourself does not mean you are doing anything wrong... it means you get to matter to yourself. PD's consume our lives as much as possible. You are wise to consider the good times too.

Working on yourself IMO means gaining understanding of my own thoughts desires and needs and finding ways that work for me to acknowledge who I am whether he does or not. It means facing the pouting, acting out, etc... whatever the PD needs to do, but still thinking of me first.

Getting a rise out of you is not uncommon. There is no one home inside a PD. Narcissist to be specific. They thrive on YOUR life. The forcing you to smile is so manipulative and lacks compassion for you. I get that at times too.

The tantrum; clearly to manipulate you. Not for you to go anywhere, but to exhibit some form of negative feelings he can reflect on in you, so he doesn't have to feel his own. There is so much in your post relatable.

Keep reading here. You may be able to work on you to appreciate not caring about what he thinks of you. That would put you in a place of power he would find threatening.

Right now, it''s HIS behavior that is threatening. And he still acts out. Might as well be who you are and enjoy what you want. The hard part is not interfering in his need to act out.  They go to extremes to get us to respond. It's their world, we are but players in their drama.

I live in a situation where my unpdh expects things to be like a Norman Rockwell painting. When something is not perfect, the same sort of thing happens. No one is home inside him, he is always looking to mirror me, but tells me how to be. He won't decide where he wants to go, because if it is not good, he does not want to be to blame, so instead he asks me. When I don't have an answer, I am "worthless, and can't even make a simple decision."

What he does not know is that I don't take that seriously anymore. I know he is telling me about himself instead. I pity his inability to be grown up about it. I listen and watch like I were seeing a movie.

Unfortunately (or not) I have found ways to humor him in most things. Now that I know  much of what he says and does is insincere toward me... I remind myself there is a child there who cannot be spoken to as an adult.

I have found most of the time it works. Lots of acknowledgement, lots of praise... as if I were helping one of my children to gain confidence.

The smiling thing... "Thank you for caring about me and my happiness. That is very thoughtful."  He's looking for a world wrapped around him. Your smile is all he knows to work with. Maybe try something new in response. Remember he needs YOU to reflect a feeling so he can be okay in his own skin.

Keep reading here. Lots of experience and growth. IMO people with mental disorders can be loved, but those who love them must be very strong people and live a life of wisdom and self-care.

[Tinkerbell12]

Thanks all for your comments, really helpful, I learn a lot from you! I think I need to learn to be less reactive in situation and to rather to take a step away and observe what's going on, to see the bigger picture of the situation rather than giving in and taking the blame or whatever it is. I need to learn somehow to believe in my own self that it's ok and valid what I think, how I feel, stay calm and keep the boundary there. Long process.

Stormbrewing  what you said "would never ever accept being treated like they treat us, or being spoken to like they speak to us. There is no reciprocity in these relationships, and the love has so many conditions attached"  -that resonates so much with me, so truth, so good to hear. I just find it mindblowing how my partner at least always has a perfect rationalisation for his behaviour. I always end up speechless.

Lookin 2 B Free  what you said "They demand we do the dance they want so they can feel okay"  - you totally nailed that. Thank you for confirming what I always thought. I need to look deeper into the situations rather than taking it personally.

Thank you all I feel better, so good to have the clarification from you!

One question that comes to my head still - after all of the accusations like "I'm the most difficult person to live with", "It will be my fault and not to be suprised if he leaves me one day" etc, I actually left him twice already and he always came begging to get me back. If we are so horrible and not good enough in their eyes, why to ask to come back?

[stormbrewing]

One question that comes to my head still - after all of the accusations like "I'm the most difficult person to live with", "It will be my fault and not to be suprised if he leaves me one day" etc, I actually left him twice already and he always came begging to get me back. If we are so horrible and not good enough in their eyes, why to ask to come back?

Great question, and I suspect the answer is different for every relationship. My h used to come back because he felt like I made the world safe for him.

[Lookin 2 B Free]

Learning about psychological splitting was one of the most helpful things for me in understanding the pwPD.    Young children split bc they don't have the emotional maturity to have an integrated view of people.  PD's do so for the same reason.

This means you are either idealized (happens in new love and also often after their partner leaves) or you are devalued.  You're either all good or all bad.  And when you're all bad, you're scapegoated.  Without the emotional maturity to take responsibility for their own shortcomings, they project them onto their partners and blame us.   Sometimes they do this to their children . . . or else split one child white (GC) and one child black (SG).

Once I really understood this dynamic of splitting, so much of what PDex, FOO, and other PD's I've known do made perfect sense.  It was all utterly predictable, really, in the same way a child's behavior is.