Today is my Birthday

[BuzzyBee]

Today is a day my NPDM has weaponized against me my entire life...

If she "likes" me, she'll acknowledge it.

If she's "mad" at me, she'll do the bare minimum to passively aggressively "show" me how insignificant I am and alienate me....

For instance, one year she sent the shortest text. "Happy birthday love ya."

No call. No effort. That was it.

This year, since we had a falling out recently, she posted at 7 in the morning on Facebook "Happy birthday (Buzzybee). Love you beyond words." She had an assortment of old photos of me as a child, and a pic of me and her as adults.

This makes me sick.... She has been giving me the silent treatment for weeks. We haven't said a word to each other. She is pretending to be a good mom on social media, but she isn't. In reality, she is punishing me in her own way by completely ignoring me.

What a mixed message. I want so badly to tell her off. I want so badly to comment and say wow... you love me so much you're ignoring me on purpose... you gave no thought about asking me about my plans for my birthday... but you get to act like you're such a great mom on here... she was and always has been a terrible mother.

Her love is conditional. ALWAYS.

I hate birthdays because of her. I really do.

It's a day to invalidate me.

And look I'm an adult... I don't need her gifts, or anything like that.. I just want a genuine mother who shows that she at least CARES. She lives 20 mins away... its not like we're far away (although sometimes it wouldn't hurt as much I think if we did.) She practically idolizes my brother every birthday, she'll go on vacation and take him to a nice destination and invite all the family.

But I get the scraps.

I'm the one who lives close by, and gets ignored but she'll travel cross country to celebrate my brother.

What a let down.

I try to not let it bother me, I try every year not to let her get to me.. But it does. I *know* better, but it still hurts.

Luckily, I have DH. I have 2 beautiful boys. I will of course spend the day with them and enjoy it.

But I will carry a hole in my heart. I will try to mother the child who has never had a true mother with unconditional love. It will be a day of mixed emotions.

[SunnyMeadow]

I'm sorry, you deserved a much better mother.

I hope you have a nice birthday celebrating with your dh and 2 boys! 

[Concerned One]

Happy birthday.

[nanotech]

Happy Birthday Buzzy Bee!

Hey guess what it's mine soon too. I've a history of being abused by my parents on my birthday.
Sometimes the siblings join in. ( see my other post) .
All I can say is I'm trying not to respond reactively.
I'm trying the 'observe don't absorb' strategy.
It's hard but it's really the only way.
They think they own our birthdays. I think they want to be thanked for our life, which is ridiculous!
They are never like this when THEIR birthdays come around! That's all about them too!Xxxxxxxxx

[GettingOOTF]

Happy Birthday.

I'm sorry you are dealing with this. My family also weaponize my birthday. I've never been able to enjoy the day. I'm now NC with them. Fingers crossed next year will be better.

[Jolie40]

Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday Dear BuzzyBee, Happy Birthday to You!

[Lisa]

Wishing you a very happy birthday!

[Hepatica]

Happy Birthday Buzzybee, wishing you lots of honey and flowers.

I'm sorry that you experience loss on your birthday. I understand this very well. I have a very withholding mother who thinks only of herself. It would even be more annoying though if she was trying to parade herself on social media as a good mother.

I hope that you can offer yourself the gift of self-compassion and work on surrounding yourself with folks who love you unconditionally.

Some mothers are total duds. Some of here have those kinds. We're in this together. Sending love and healing. 

[HelenP]

I want so badly to comment and say wow... you love me so much you're ignoring me on purpose... you gave no thought about asking me about my plans for my birthday... but you get to act like you're such a great mom on here... she was and always has been a terrible mother.

So why don't you do it? It might make you feel better.

I am lucky: my mother usually treated my birthday as non existing. I guess she couldn't take it to have someone else be the center of attention for even one day.

Happy belated birthday!

[SparkStillLit]

Happy Birthday the other day!!!
Happy birthday week, month, you know, any excuse to have CAKE, right??? Or whatever you like.

[Boat Babe]

Much love to you on your birthday BuzzyBee.  I hope that your FOC shower you with the love you deserve. I also hope you can get to the point where you feel nothing but a detached compassion for your PD mother. 
All the very best 

[Call Me Cordelia]

Happy birthday!

Re: the Facebook post, what if you just quietly delete it? "My post is gone!!!! "hmmm..." "I can't post on your wall anymore!!!!" "You don't say."



I understand the temptation to call her out. But really it would probably just feed the drama monster. I made that mistake once when my uNF posted a bunch of photos of my newborn. He spelled her name wrong after trying to call her by a name HE preferred when he visited. I proudly posted the correct spelling and full name as a comment. My comment was immediately deleted and oh my gosh the blowback.

[blues_cruise]

Hey BuzzyBee, I'm so sorry about this and I entirely relate. I hate my birthday and get anxious about it the month before (starting now!) NF has always made the day about him and used it as a reflection of my worth. I've had some birthdays where he's lavished attention and gifts on me and others where he's ignored it or got me a crappy, cheap gift to passive-aggressively suggest I'm worthless. I know how much frustration it causes and how unfair it is on a day which should be largely pleasant and positive. I don't think PDs can stand to watch their children have an entire day devoted to them and they take it as a personal affront. With NC birthdays are at least more predictable now. He has no access to my social media (plus my birthday's private anyway because it's triggering), I don't read any cards he sends and I go on a break elsewhere in the country until it passes. The only hard thing left is checking the post and the sinking feeling I get when I see his handwriting.

With the Facebook post I'd be tempted to respond publicly with something like, "Thank you. Good of you to get in touch, it's been a while." Polite but factually accurate!

I hope you managed to have a peaceful day and spent some quality time with your family of choice.

[BuzzyBee]

Thank you everyone for the birthday love.. I felt it and appreciate it so much! It ended up being a good day.

My sweet boys were extra kind, although DS1 thought it was his birthday!! He cracked me up. DH got me flowers, cooked breakfast, and then we all went to eat a nice lunch on a patio outside at a cute restaurant we've never been to. It was lovely.

My mother actually called me... I was terrified to answer the phone. It went ok, I was very shocked she did that. She had a gift DH could pick up if we wanted.. Again I was shocked that she got me something at all! She is normally very punishing and abandoning when she is mad and has used my birthday to ignore me many times in the past. It was a little relief to know she actually made some effort. I felt like I could stop worrying about it and beating myself up over it.

My therapist said to just not expect anything from my NPDmom. She has problems and I just don't need to focus on that, and I shouldn't "expect" her to be a mother because she probably won't be.

I have really let go of alot by trying not to expect anything at all from her.. It is quite freeing. I'm also VLC with her which is working well so far. Just taking it one step at a time.