Self-loathing

[Poison Ivy]

Most of the time my self-loathing is just part of who I am: graying hair, blue eyes, glasses, loves books, hates herself, .... I know it's there, I don't question it, it doesn't really interfere with my life. But last night, I had a dream in which a person asked me on a date, and when I woke up, I realized that I was ashamed that my brain had the nerve to even conjure up this possibility. I have felt for so long that I am unlovable and undesirable. (Back story: I got married at age 23 to the only person I ever dated, divorced a few years ago in my mid-50s. I haven't dated since, and I doubt I ever will, even though I am not without normal human desires of affection.)

Any thoughts about this?

[Hepatica]

I have felt self-loathing and but only after I've gone against my own integrity. Self-loathing feels terrifying to me. I am sorry that you live with it as a daily experience.

My thoughts are: please question this. It has no right to your life. You were not born to live a life of hating yourself.

Maybe start by being curious. Did someone tell you to think this way? Did the world make you feel this way? (The world can be cruel in regards to so much of our identities.) Are you feeling self-loathing bc your ex did a number on you for years and now it's become a part of you? Are you blaming yourself for the end of your marriage? Does the loathing need to be put somewhere else? Who deserves this anger? Do you really believe you've done something so bad that you deserve it?

I feel that one way to transform something is to take some time with it and be curious. Perhaps underneath the loathing is grief? Meditation courses have really helped me, and one round specifically on self-compassion was transformative. The teachers put us through exercises to dig deeper about hard feelings we believed about ourselves. Since then, my self-talk has changed to something far healthier. I think it's possible to shift these feelings. Do you have a good therapist?

[Free2Bme]

PI,

I have experienced this at times in the form of intrusive thoughts.  As Hepatica wrote, maybe looking at the origin would be helpful.   

The way i deal with it depends on the source.  For example...

*Relationships with PD's can leave a residue.  The shame and devaluing they heap on is not truth about me (it points to their shame, not ours).  Maybe, someone has written this on the wall of your heart?  I reject this as an untruth.

*I have experienced this at times stemming from something I did that was wrong and I needed to process, make restitution, and forgive myself for my mistake (my mistakes don't define me).  Then, when my brain reminds me, I have to override the idea and tell myself I have already dealt with that issue, forgave myself, learned from it.

*Oftentimes, I am only focusing upon my flaws. In reality, I also must acknowledge attributes about myself.  It can feel uncomfortable, like I'm being prideful but I believe it's ok to like myself without being an egomaniac.  Just as you would observe positive attributes in a friend or loved one, you can appreciate these in spite of their imperfections/flaws.  I can be a good friend to myself.

I have been divorced almost 5 years and haven't dated (54 yo), but would like companionship, affection, etc. .....one day.  I haven't because I needed to work on myself first.  I'm reaching a point of readiness though.

Your dream is a reflection of part of you that wants normal things. Maybe you are ready to now?  Is there a connection between the dream and the self-loathing?  Maybe you don't feel deserving of a relationship?  Feelings are not reality.

What are Poison Ivy's attributes, qualities, virtue, etc..........?   

Wishing you a beautiful day today 

[Lookin 2 B Free]

Ivy, my heart goes out to you.  Some of us emerge from our PD families with this pervasive, relentless self-loathing & shame.   In my early days in 12 Step groups they used to say "Let us love you until you can love yourself."  I felt certain that could never happen to me.  But it did.

Through trauma therapy, training on re-parenting the inner child, grief work, anger work, ACOA & CoDA meetings, I developed a loving and caring relationship with myself.  Shame is sometimes a visitor, but no longer a full-time occupant.  Self-acceptance & compassion are never far away anymore.  Learning to trust and relate as an equal rather than being afraid of people's harsh judgements is what I'm still working on.  It is very hard for me to trust people.   

It sounds like you would love to have something better for yourself than what you are describing.  And why not?  After all, they say self-esteem is really a process instead of a fixed state.  As Hepatica and Free2BMe say, feelings and self-talk can shift.

There are so many avenues for healing out there.  As a former full-time self-loather, I can attest that they really can make a difference.  It takes some time and effort, of course.  We each have to decide for ourselves if it is worth that.  I hope for good things for you!

[Boat Babe]

What a terrible weight to carry Ivy (I'd lose the poison if I were you!). Here's a big hug first. 

You were not born with self loathing, no baby is. It was imposed on you by others, who similarly loathed themselves but projected it onto a helpless little child. How cruel. 

We know now that the effects of trauma can be reversed. Not overnight, but over time. There is hope for all of us, including you dear Ivy. My personal go to, DIY, therapy is Self Compassion work. I use the workbook by Dr Neff and her colleague. I recommend that you visit the website. Lots of free resources.

Lastly, I live in the UK where our ivy isn't poisonous. English ivy flowers quite late in the season, about now in fact. The ivy round here is swarming with bees and other pollinators, getting a last pollen harvest in before the winter.  The smell of ivy flowers is subtle and fragrant. Ivy remains green in the depths of winter. A lovely plant.

[athene1399]

I used to have the same problem. While I am not always comfortable with myself, I don't hate myself any more.

I used CBT to help. First, I was mindful of my self-chatter and thoughts. But at first I would just notice them. Once you get good at noticing them, you move on to replacing the negative thoughts with a positive one. I read an article on Psychology Today (years ago, so I doubt I could find it to share. I don't even remember the name of it) that said we are so mean to ourselves, but if you start talking to yourself like a friend we say nicer things. Like if I was to mess something up I would call myself an idiot. If my friend messed something up I would say something to make her feel better about it, "like everyone makes mistakes. You will do better next time.". So basically replace the negative thoughts with something you would say to a friend instead of what you would say to yourself. I hope that makes sense. I am not sure if I am explaining good.

But I started doing that and it helped with self-compassion. Slowly the self-loathing ended. I still sometimes catch the occasional negative thought, but it's nothing like it was before. At first it was hard to do, but now it's a habit to replace the negative thoughts with more positive ones about myself. It really did make a difference for me.