Update after first contact in two years

[P&K]

I wanted to offer a follow up to my first contact with bpdmil after more than two years. The short version is that she stomped my boundaries hard and I had enough. It was also enough to open DH's eyes and force him Out of the FOG, which was a blessing in the long run. Typical splitting and rage, rampant alternating witch and waif voicemails to dh etc for the better part of those two years, but not one single attempt to contact me. I think she was afraid of me or trying to act like I didn't exist.

Finally had our first visit at dh's request. Hotels and strong boundaries placed and upheld well. The kicker, bpdmil pretends like she's this slightly befuddled older woman and that nothing had happened at all. (EFil knows what's up and is the classic frog prince/huntsman. He will never leave her but is generally very respectful of me)

She tried the big hug and warm greeting, I managed a "fly by hug" and she KNEW I hadn't forgotten anything. Still continued with polite manners and hosting, info diets and medium chill abounds. By the usual standards, this was a very good visit.

I do not expect her to ever change, but I do feel pity for her. The only silver lining I didn't expect was how much peace I have after this visit. It's not closure exactly, more acceptance that I haven't done anything wrong and she will be the same, unwell person she always has been. She can't get through our strong boundaries and will play by our rules if she wants to see grandkids and dh. I can live with 1-2 visits a year.

Be patient! Be true to you and yours, it's hard but so worth it no matter what outcome. Thank you to everyone here who has offered sound advice and kind words, you made an enormous difference in my world. She won't change but I sure got to know myself better and it has made me far calmer and stronger when it comes to her. 

[bloomie]

P&K - This is an epic update and such an encouragment to all of us here! I am so thankful you shared!

Keep on keeping on!

[Hilltop]

P&K I'm glad you found a peace and acceptance with your PDMIL, that's awesome.  I can relate I see my PDMIL probably 3-4 times a year and I've found for me it's a great balance.  She is far enough out of the picture so she can't be meddlesome anymore and I don't see her enough to be bothered by her.  I'm glad you found your balance.

[Leonor]

Thank you for the update! Gives me hope!