Sent him an email. Hyperventilating

[Bunnyme]

After writing, deleting, and delaying for 5 days, I finally wrote an email to my uNBPDh with an ultimatum (per my atty advice).  We went to mediation, and he agreed to hand over all sorts of things and make me a payment to me on what he owes.  This was a calm explanation of what I need, telling him to give it to me or the mediator, and giving him a deadline to respond or I'd need to consider other options.  It sat in my drafts box for hours today before I finally hit send.  I have custody as it stands, and I'm so afraid of setting him off provoking a big fight and legal action on his end.  He has been lying to me about what is in the documents I want (which is, I'm sure, why he is withholding them).  I couldn't just let him go on lying and not paying.  I tell myself that it is likely going to get ugly anyway and I'm just ripping off the bandaid now.   Scary part is that I dont have a new place to go yet, and I may get kicked out of here (his parents own it).   Totally scared I did the wrong thing.  (How sad is it that I'm so used to walking on eggshells?)

[Lookin 2 B Free]

That was really brave of you, Bunnyme, to follow your atty's advice instead of your fear.   You are walking through some hard stuff, but you are doing it!  I hope you can take time to really appreciate yourself for taking these hard steps.  Some TLC just for you.

There are many techniques for calming down the autonomic nervous system when it goes into the stress response  (fight or flight) like you're describing.  Diaphragmatic breathing is a popular one that can be done anywhere. . . . into the belly, nice and slow (sometimes counting it out helps), then a good pause before slow outbreath, and pause again)  You can find this and many others on the internet.

Remember your friends here are cheering you on!

[Rose1]

Fear is totally understandable. Change and particularly uncontrolled change is very stressful. I've heard change management described as the emotions reaching the same place as reality. There's a whole industry around it because it's hard.
Is it possible to be thrown out? With kids? Are rules in place where you are regarding evictions during covid? Also if you are paying rent there would have to be grounds even from your in-laws. You're still a tenant with rights.

Whether you would want to is a different issue.

If you are working towards a goal, and you are, then aligning your circumstances to your goals as much as possible helps reduce stress because you are in control, not someone else.

For example, if they come back with leave the house, if you know your current covid rules you could agree that this is certainly what both of you want but there are rules to comply with for the moment and as soon as the situation changes you will start the process. Back to your control.

Or yes, we both want that but of course we want to make this as easy as possible for your grandchildren and I'm working on doing that.  I'll let you know progress, in the meantime I'm sure you know I'll continue with my obligations and assume you will also. Back to your control.

That sort of thing, you'd know best what the situation really is. I know my ex in-laws were very careful about their public image. Yours may not be.

[Bunnyme]

Their image is EVERYTHING.   The day I found out he was using, I called his mom to say he was suicidal and on drugs and I was trying to find a rehab.  She said she would have to call me later because she was at dinner with friends.  She later apologized to me, but said that she just didnt want them to know.  I have kept all of this very hush hush, and it is leverage that I have.
I am feeling better.  Of course, he hasnt responded.  I gave him until tonight.  I dont think he will.  I finally decided that he was going to be difficult no matter what I do.  I need to protect my kids and my assets.  I thought negotiating was my best chance at that...and maybe it is...but I have to follow through.  If he doesnt respond, I'm filing for custody and child support tomorrow.  Possibly limited divorce if I can get the grounds.

[Bunnyme]

My deadline passed.  I sent a text today about visitation tomorrow and immediately followed with "I sent you an email this weekend."  I didnt want to, but I wanted to keep him from.saying he missed the email.  Now to flush more money down the toilet and call my attorney
   

[Rose1]

I got some legal advice that was dont push child visitation.  Because I'd be forced to keep it even if he was drunk etc. This was not USA so may not apply. Exbpdh was an absent father who didn't want to 'help me out' by having the kids.  For me it was good advice. He had no intention of paying or looking after them and allowing me to have a lifestyle (I was working full time in a high responsibility job, he didn't know what that was). Not sure what he thought i would do. Have fun like he was i guess.

So he had the kids maybe once every few months, mostly to prove father of the year status or appease his parents.

This suited him. I was busy with working and kids and he was off with his hobbies and able to say I never let him see the kids.  When he did have them there was always some drama designed to use up my valuable time.

In hindsight it was much better for my kids not to see him often, they phoned but it was a lot of parental alienation, I would have found this extremely hard week on week off. And there would have been dramas during his week requiring me to drop everything and drive an hour each way to deal with it.

When oldest was 17 3/4 he made custody noises. I just laughed. But it was always about maximum fear  not what he really wanted.

[Rose1]

A lot of pds have given up custody for money.  Which tells you a lot.