Smear Campaign Against Spouses

[lotusblume]

Hello everyone,

I'm usually on the NC with parents board. I've been VLC/NC with some exceptions for two years. I'm Out of the FOG. I don't feel guilt as often, and when I do, I understand that it's not my fault.

Right now, all I feel is righteous anger and a sense of protection over my DH. I knew my FOO and some former friends had conducted a smear campaign against my DH when we started dating, it was something that has uncovered itself more and more over the last few years, and part of the reason I went NC in the first place. I won't get into all the details, but I just found out it's much worse than I imagined or knew. And what I knew was already terrible.

I spoke with a childhood friend I was out of touch with during that time, and she informed me that numerous of my family members as well as a friend, sought her ought to tell her that I was in a highly abusive relationship where I was controlled and isolated, and that I wasn't speaking to them because of him, that he had essentially kidnapped me (by moving in together and getting engaged lol) and that they feared for my life.

This brought forth a new wave of anger. I've journaled about it and don't want to share all of my insights and feelings about it here ATM. What I would like to do is understand more this dynamic. How many of you have experienced this extreme type of projection/scapegoating and smear campaign, as the spouse of someone from a PD family?

Would you care to share your insights? Thank you.

[DetachedAndEngaged]

I don't have any experience specifically with smear campaigns carried out by in-laws or FOO, but I've been the target of them a couple of times, once by a BPD I had dated and another time by rivals in a membership organization.

My sense was that the BPD was trying to 1) get me to pay attention to her and drop NC, 2) suck up attention from others by pretending to be a victim and 3) derive a sense of satisfaction from knowing a couple of her friends disconnected from me on social media and would repeat her smears.

In the case of the membership organization, it was driven by their desire to undermine a policy position I advocated which was much more popular than the alternative they championed. They couldn't win through rational arguments and facts, so all they had was a whisper campaign.

Neither got much traction or impacted anyone whose opinion I valued.

What I learned:

1) The best response is to ignore it.

2) If someone asked me about it directly, most effective was to laugh, roll my eyes, shake my head and say "They are so pitiful."

3) Never JADE -- defensiveness comes across as shame and guilt that can lead people people to believe the hype.

The people whose opinions you cherish and who know you and your husband well are going to be very suspicious of smears. A quality person who is concerned will approach you immediately, check in and sense the genuineness of your response. Anyone who hasn't questioned you about it directly either doesn't believe it, or, if they do, isn't a person you want to have in your life.

From the inside this must feel crappy, but from the outside your family just sounds desperate and disordered.

My suggestion: practice your eye rolls. 

[bloomie]

lotusblume - I am really sorry this is coming up for you and that the maligning of your DH's character is even worse than you knew. My heart goes out to you and to him.

Both DH and myself have been the targets of smearing from uPDfamily members. Possibly the worst has been from a sibling on my side and one on his.

With both siblings, the smears and denigrating of our character and family seemed to be needed as part of damage control when their repeated toxic choices resulted in consequences of us distancing ourselves from their high conflict and drama riddled ways.

The 'narrative of why' is how I think of how these terrible campaigns originated in our lives. 

How to explain the lack of our presence when we had once been very close and spent a lot of time together? Develop a story and tell it enough times with enough emotional angst and conviction to enough people who are just distant enough to not know the actual course of events, and others begin to believe and act on what they have been told.

I have benefitted from the work of Bill Eddy and the strategies he offers for dealing with high conflict people. Articles found here: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/hci-articles?category=High%20Conflict%20Strategies

One of the most helpful articles for me is: "4 Mistakes to Avoid When Dealing with Difficult People" https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/hci-articles/4-mistakes-to-avoid-when-dealing-with-difficult-people

It takes great wisdom to know when/if/how to respond to smear campaigns. Often our starting gate position is to ignore as to not give the person any more pay off. And that is a great strategy I have found and works for many things.

But, I also believe there is a place for a brief and non emotional setting straight of the record which is not the same as JADEing which is engaging in circular conversations and attempting to build consensus when neither party can agree on what the facts are. (see glossary for more on JADE: https://outofthefog.website/what-not-to-do-1/2015/12/3/jade-dont-justify-argue-defend-explain)

There are times when someone has maligned us in such a way (possibly publicly) that it could potentially ruin our lives and other relationships that are dear to us, and it is then that we respond and set the record straight by the same avenue that we were maligned or misrepresented.

And it seems that is exactly what you did when you responded to your friend and set the record straight.

Your anger is understandable. We feel angry when our boundaries are violated like this and lies are spread and sadly, in some cases, believed.

There is a lot that is threatened by this terrible behavior. I believe more harm has been done by the tongue than any other weapon known to humankind. It can set off destructive forces as powerful and decimating as a firestorm and there is no going back from them.

Smear campaigns are one of the most toxic and bullying things a person can do to another and it is high conflict behavior.

In my own life, I have erred on the side of having been silent when I should've spoken up for myself more often than not, because I didn't know how to address things with detachment and confidence. I also allowed the fear of making things worse dictate my choices.

However you choose to handle this, processing it takes time I've found, and having support and those who understand the damage this ugliness can do can help lighten a heavy, undeserved load!

[bloomie]

Popping back in to add that as we address smears when/where we feel we need to - as you did - or if we choose to ignore - at some point in all of this how we live our lives - with dignity, respect for self, and others, honestly, with integrity, strength, and kindness - has to count for something.

A wise hero member here Coyote says something that I return to over and again as I work through the injustice and uncertainty this kind of thing can bring up in how I engage and resond to people who have been told these terrible things: "What others think of me is not my business."

Isn't that so good? It helps me to remember that at the end of the day. People will choose to believe what they choose to believe or see us how they choose to and I have zero control over that. I hope it helps you let some of this go as well.

[lotusblume]

Thanks a lot for your replies, I really appreciate it.

I am finding myself still angry about it, almost a week later. I was thinking, if they Hoover me, or when, I'll confront them about this.

Part of me wants to. I still have unresolved issues with them, but I'm just learning to accept that I don't need them involved to resolve those issues. It's in my own head and heart. I cannot change them, and I'm exhausted from the battle.

[bloomie]

Thanks a lot for your replies, I really appreciate it.

I am finding myself still angry about it, almost a week later. I was thinking, if they Hoover me, or when, I'll confront them about this.

Part of me wants to. I still have unresolved issues with them, but I'm just learning to accept that I don't need them involved to resolve those issues. It's in my own head and heart. I cannot change them, and I'm exhausted from the battle.

A practical and logical way to view this. Trusting you will get some rest and respite with some self care!

[FreeBird]

I have been the target of a smear campaign launched by my mother in-law (I'm married to a scapegoat) and I can honestly say it initially pushed me into a deep depression.  We started hearing from random people that such and such was said about me. Lies/fabrications.  I was mortified.  I cannot imagine what else was said, nor to whom.  The extended family started treating me like some kind of enemy so I could only imagine.  A lot of this boils down to me refusing to be a flying monkey when my in-law was getting divorced.   She told me point-blank to message her soon-to-be-ex-husband (one of her many exes) with cruelties (this felt a lot like 7th grade...can you pass a note to so and so for me?) and I told her I was not comfortable doing so.  I got the silent treatment for several weeks and then the smear campaign started.  Not to mention this was already after years of always being treated like a second-class citizen. 

That depression led me to seeking therapy which led me to a place of finding resilience and developing emotional detachment from my spouse's family.  I learned to be ok with not having the opportunity to share my side of things.  I learned to be ok with losing false friends from my life.  I learned to be ok with the unfairness of the situation.  As I've learned more about NPD, I've realized I've been trauma bonded for years.  Once I understood what was happening, I was able to heal.  And I'm still healing.  It's an ongoing process.  Once you remove yourself from the situation, you can work on yourself and find your inner strength.  You also make room for healthy relationships (a FOC).  And you see everyone for the roles they're playing...because everyone is a piece on the narc's chess board.

In sum, I've been there.  I know how truly awful it is to know a smear campaign has been launched against you.  It can feel devastating.  It's important to surround yourself with those you trust and to get support.  For many years, it hurt me (and my spouse) deeply that his mother showed zero interest in our children.  They've been rejected consistently (because golden child's kids are her everything) and now I see that as a dodged bullet.  Educating yourself makes all the difference in perspective.

[Leonor]

Oh, this is so painful, not only for the lies and confusion, but for the sneaky nasty intention of it all, turning people outside the family into agents and flying monkeys ... If the narc can't get close enough to you to upset you, she'll get other people to hurt you too. It is just the most horrible power play.

You have the right to all of your feelings, including anger. You have the right to stand in that anger and not try to talk yourself into feeling something other than angry. I would imagine that you have pushed aside (repressed) or pushed down (depressed) your anger for a long time now. Repression / depression ... Not a great response for a wise healer such as you.

You can confront your ils; you can have a long harangue in a bathroom mirror, lecture a chair, even scold a stuffed animal. Other people feel relief writing loooong letters in which they really let the other person have it, and then burn or tear up the letters. I've destroyed phone books page by page, but my favorite anger actions are: go for a run and yell at them into my head until I feel exhausted (made some great mileage that way) or beating the stuffing out of a big pillow with a foam bat. I really like beating stuff up with a foam bat.

Start there and honor your anger. When your anger feels heard and respected, it will step aside to allow for other thoughts and feelings too.

[FreeBird]

I second what Leonor said about anger.  A huge part of my healing was embracing those feelings.  I was full of rage (sometimes those feelings resurface even now).  It's a very painful experience.  I agree--don't let anyone invalidate those feelings.