Conflict Averse - Flashbacks

[Hepatica]

I am venting and also seeking wisdom from people here who are farther on the healing path than I am.

This is about conflict out there in the world. This AM I phoned my doctor and he has a grumpy receptionist. She is obviously overwhelmed and blew up at me. She is like this on and off, sometimes nice other times, but you don't know what you're going to get.

Me to Her: Hi Sandy, I'm sorry I'm getting back to you so late. I've tried but it's been difficult to get through. (My true intention here was to apologize but also convey the truth. It is hard to get through. I had called a week and a half ago, and it moves into answering service every time, so I leave message, and then I tried a number of times and just hung up numerous times and then I gave up, which was why I apologized. Tried again this AM and after calling eleven times, got her.)

Her to Me: After I said the apology and comment about difficulty getting through, she got angry. Her tone extremely agitated and defensive she went into a tirade about the hundreds of calls she gets.

Me to Her: No, no no no (trying to say I wasn't criticizing her) and she cut me off and continued her tirade.

I devolved into freeze collapse and felt such silent anger bc I knew my intention and she wouldn't let me explain.

After ending the call I spent the last hour wondering why something so small causes me such grief. I felt so small and vulnerable and also enraged.

Lots of thoughts during my walks this AM afterwards about how hard it was for me in the workforce when I had to work closely with people who used anger in a big way and how I could not find the words that would deflate the drama and yet stand firm.

I have spent so many years backing away from conflict bc my mind floods and I can't think. Is this the product of trauma? I feel like it's one of the prime reasons I've been isolating for the past years bc I cannot navigate normal regular every day conflict.

My childhood wth my mother was scary like this. If I tried to say anything to her that was either setting a boundary or communicating an unhappiness her reactions were explosive, over the top and very abusive. I am so scared now to bring anything up with anyone, that I always present myself in a submissive way.

I think I need conflict resolution classes but I am quite sure also that I get flashbacks when others are angry around me. (Probably my mother had the same issue, thankfully I am not so defensive with my child.)

[LemonLime]

I'm sorry this happened to you Hepatica.  I understand because I have many of the same issues with conflict.

My gut response to your situation is that self-differentiation might help.   Jerry Wise has a lot of You Tube videos on how to self-differentiate.  I'm working on that myself and it's helping.    "My stuff, your stuff" is how I'd describe it broadly.
My gut is also that you do not need to work on conflict resolution.  What you've described is not a conflict to be resolved, IMHO.   It's that this woman is having a bad day (as you identified).   It's "her stuff".    Now it's a matter of not letting her stuff be your stuff.

On a somewhat different note, I have done some work around "Crucial Conversations" (there's a book by that title and also workshops) for developing more ease with high-stakes, emotional conversations.   It's good stuff, personally and professionally.   But in the example you described, I don't think this receptionist is in any shape for a crucial conversation.   She needs to vent instead.   Sorry you were on the receiving end of that.

[Wilderhearts]

I can relate to your ongoing struggles with experiencing a freeze response when others use anger to dominate, and feeling emotionally devastated in the wake of their harmful use of anger.

I also had a PD'd parent who used anger to fuel abuse, and it prevented me from developing a healthy relationship with anger, and the ability to feel and express it in an adaptive way, to the extent that I couldn't even be aware of my own feelings of anger, it was so repressed.

I think it's fantastic that you've tuned into the rage you felt in response to her unhealthy expression of anger.  It's a good indication that a person has violated some sort of boundary.

For me, uNPDf's explosive anger, which was terrifying and dangerous, also included psychological abuse to make us believe that we were responsible for his anger and the way he used it to abuse us.  We were the cause of it, it was our fault, he was entitled to harm us with his raging.  That was the insidious core belief he engrained in us, without us being able to even recognize it was there.

As a result, when people misdirect that rage towards me (or express it disrespectfully, even if it's warranted), it triggers that core belief that I am somehow responsible for the abuse I am now experiencing.  Believing we are responsible for the harm others do us, especially when it violates our integrity the way PD abusive rage does, causes extreme shame.  Shame is the feeling that goes hand-in-hand with freeze responses and the state of collapse, which I experience as "emotional devastation."

Tuning into my anger and building a healthy relationship with it, learning to feel it in my body and express it respectfully, and as LemonLime said developing healthy emotional boundaries around what you do and do not take responsibility for, have helped me a lot.  I also really appreciate Jerry Wise's videos. 

Recognizing my own anxious attachment patterns has been really important in changing my own behaviours that can reinforce my feelings of shame.  I take more than my share of responsibility/blame, and I also keep trying to repair interactions as others make them worse.  I'm currently working on letting others experience the consequences of their behaviour, including the discomfort of a social situation if someone wants to be a rage-y jerk/bully.

[Lookin 2 B Free]

I relate to all 3 of you.   I had to work with my trauma T for some time before I could finally start seeing as it happened, the collapse/freeze trauma response I have from childhood which gets reactivated. 

It's been quite a process for me to use her tools (like EMDR & somatic experiencing) to gently and slowly start bringing in something different.  It often doesn't prevent the trauma response, but it can lessen the severity.  I've become very hopeful as a result of seeing some progress, after a lifetime of being helpless around what gets triggered.

I don't always collapse in the face of rageful abuse.  But for some time now, I just leave the situation.  I might warn them I'm about to hang up the phone as they're going off and if they don't stop immediately,  I do that without a second warning.  If we're F2F, I leave the room or the building. 

I don't wait for a good time -- just in the middle of their sentence is fine.  I don't owe it to anyone on this planet to stand and listen to their abuse.   If someone is uncaring enough to do that to me, I don't feel it is impolite to walk away.

[Jolie40]

one thing Hepatica....many receptionists are tough to deal with period
they have a busy job & many sick people, who they deal with daily, are grumpy, also

recall a few years back when I was trying to find a new Dr for DH
it was overwhelming as I was having to call every Dr on list and most weren't taking new patients and 95% of those receptionists were grumpy!

so dealing with receptionists, it's not you....it's them & the tough job they do daily which probably gives them a headache

[Hepatica]

I think I wanted to say firmly: I understand you're overwhelmed Sandy but I will not be yelled at because your job is hard. I wasn't criticizing you, I was pointing out a fact. It is hard to get through. (Done.)

It's so frustrating and frankly scary that I can't protect myself calmly and that I spin back to feeling very young and small.

I know she has a hard job and I do have empathy for her but I guess the point is that I found my reaction challenging and a little bit embarrassing. I wish I was a stronger adult. I think it would help me be less afraid. I do isolate and this is out of balance, not only bc of Covid, but in general. I want to be able to feel strong enough to let a person like Sandy wash off me and not get a second thought, so I can go out in the world and not feel such anxiety about normal human, conflictual interactions.

Much of my angst around this comes from my old job too, where I was mob bullied and I was so meek I was suicidal many times and I ended up leaving the job and here I am now. Unrecovered.

Ugh. This is a lot and I guess as I write it comes out. More and more pain to process.

[Wilderhearts]

I think I wanted to say firmly: I understand you're overwhelmed Sandy but I will not be yelled at because your job is hard. I wasn't criticizing you, I was pointing out a fact. It is hard to get through. (Done.)

Yes to everything about that statement.   You know, intellectually, what is an appropriate and respectful way to set boundaries.  Your nervous system just doesn't let know that you're not always endangering yourself by doing it.

It's so frustrating and frankly scary that I can't protect myself calmly and that I spin back to feeling very young and small.

Therapy programs have taught me that the adaptive skills we really need in times of distress/conflict are hardest to practice when they are most needed.  We need to work up to it.  You could practice being assertive/boundary setting where the stakes are low, and it triggers/stresses you a bit, but not so much you're shutting down.  We essentially need to desensitize ourselves to having trauma reactions.

Maybe you're not as assertive as you'd like to be, maybe you'd like to look like less of a target to bullies and PDs, but I think that is a very different thing from being "not strong."

I do isolate and this is out of balance, not only bc of Covid, but in general. I want to be able to feel strong enough to let a person like Sandy wash off me and not get a second thought, so I can go out in the world and not feel such anxiety about normal human, conflictual interactions.

This is common among "Adult Children of Narcissists" (ACONs).  Jerry Wise has a great, albeit revealing, video about how we are affected after surviving an NPD parent - perhaps it was similar with your mother.  People are overwhelming, and we can tend to be hyper vigilant around them, which is exhausting.  I've started living alone specifically for this reason - less time triggered and in trauma response means more energy and confidence with which to face the world.

[Hepatica]

Thanks so much Wilderhearts
Your comments really help and bring tears to my eyes. I feel very grateful for people like you and this site.  I will look into Jerry Wise. This week I am really seeing through the FOG and understanding the extent of the hurt that I have experienced.

[Wilderhearts]

I'm so glad this community is a good place for you and that I could be a part of that - thank you for letting me know

Working through layers of trauma, and discovering just how many layers there are, can be frightening and exhausting.  Self-compassion and self-care could really help get you through.

[JenniferSmith]

This is an issue that I've been working on for years.... and definitely have made incremental progress!! But... its been a slow slog and I'm still not the confident person I wish I was.

I think there can be many factors involved in patterns such as this. It is good to recognize the pattern... that is always a good start. And then, having compassion for ourselves when we fall short of how we want to behave. Its a journey and a process....