I feel like I'm going crazy

[D.Dan]

So it happened. It's over for now.

The judge seems fed up with the case and wants to get rid of the house (so do I honestly), so even though it screams fraud she is choosing to follow the only written agreement available. Stbx's old lawyer (now only his dad's lawyer) was still lying during the whole thing.

Fine, I planned to claim bankruptcy, just in case that happened. Stbx's dad will still try to get 1/4 million on top of that anyways.

Then we'd be dealing with the family matters.

Stbx wants a paternity test for one of the kids (I was laughing silently) for some reason. Seemed like he was just trying to make it look like I was the one cheating instead of him. Whatever, if I could use that to claim sole custody I would (without the tests cause he is 100% the father) but it's so stupid to do that now. Hell, I'd give up child support for sole custody!

Stbx still didn't want supervised visitation. Said it was for the kids health?! He and his dad never actually asked to visit with the kids, which I don't think the judge caught. They just kept repeating how long it's been since they last saw the kids. The judge was trying to force me to agree to visitation with stbx's parents, which I asked be supervised. The good thing is she stuck to the supervised visitation for Stbx! She told him any visitation is better than none.

It was like they were both trying to get me upset (screaming/yelling/crying) but I remained quiet (teleconference). Having a mute button was awesome!

Stbx kept trying to talk about reconciliation with me. The first time he tried to make an offer that was for 'Only if I considered reconciling' and the judge interrupted him to directly ask me if I was even interested in reconciling first. Nope! So then she had to keep shutting him down every time he tried and to stop trying to force me.

My current plan is to find a different place to live, while planning bankruptcy, and just book it out of dodge before they figure out that I don't care about the house or the sale money! It's the kids! I only care about the wellbeing of the kids!

I'm still positive stbx will get violent when he figures out I'm still divorcing him and the that the court case doesn't hurt me the way he thinks.

It's like I got a 'stay of execution' because they think they're hurting me! The alarms are still there though. I'm still shaking. So I'm viewing this as "anything goes now".

The bankruptcy will piss them off! It won't hurt me for very long or for very much, and when I move everyone will be hiding my address (for the safety of the kids). I plan to change my license plate afterwards too. As long as stbx can't physically get his hands on me, threaten me or control me in any way, he'll blow a gasket.

[Boat Babe]

Hey DD.  I'm glad the pressure is off you for the moment and that you can continue with your plans to get free and away. We are all rooting for you.

Sending hugs 🤗

[D.Dan]

There are 2 things that are bugging me today about the case conference, while a 3rd is... more like not surprised myself, just that others in the case conference were surprised.

The 2 things that are stuck in my head today is that stbx asked for a paternity test on one of our kids despite knowing full well it's his (so I smell a scam happening), and that he accused me of using cps as a weapon against him! He's described cps as a weapon in his previous emails before. I never really paid attention to his wording about that. Maybe he does think I'm attacking him. He is afraid of talking to them about the minor he sexually exploited. Still confused about the paternity test though, other than spreading doubt about me what's the point?

The 3rd was the fact that the house sale file was still being withheld from my lawyer, from court really.... 3 years later. Fil's lawyer kept lying about it. Saying it was made available at a different case conference (false) in front of a different judge (also false) and which lawyer (the wrong lawyer) was in charge of it, and that he gave it to my lawyer already (which was also false, luckily my lawyer included all email communications in the file). Judge was still mad at my lawyer though and I suspect it's because she views it as ME holding up this entire case.

Whatever, It's already damned if I do, damned if I don't, I don't see what the big deal is.

The thing I felt off about this is that I've always known that stbx, his dad, and his dad's lawyer would withhold that file until it's useless to me. I feel weird that the judge is even wasting time on getting it when she's seems to have already made her decision about this case. Why bother getting the truth when you don't care about the outcome? I really don't understand why she's so upset about it. It's not like 'not having the file' helps me, it actually helps stbx and his dad.

I don't know, maybe this case is really effing with her head. I have had tons of people (mostly lawyers) tell me that my case just doesn't make any sense no matter how you look at it! A lot of the stuff stbx and his dad filed should never have been allowed, seeing as it violated the rules of the court. Even if they could get away with pretending I was renting from fil, it still violated the court rules and regulations. And it seems like nobody knows what to do with something that shouldn't even exist in the court system.

It would almost be funny if it weren't happening to me...

I feel kinda pessimistic (well, for me anyways I'm pretty happy-go-lucky normally) but I luckily made an alternate plan for financial ruin! Haha! Plan B is a lifesaver!

I am currently considering exchanging child support for sole custody. I'm pretty sure I can! Mind you, I'd have to convince stbx and his dad (the brains behind the scams) that this would be a horrible loss to me without them finding out that I don't want it (it would be a reason for contact). I suck at lying.

[D.Dan]

I completely forgot the reason these were in my head.

I had a wonderful dream...

Stbx was trying to convince the court that he wasn't the father of my kids so he wouldn't have to pay child support but he wrongly thought if he just accused me then the matter would be settled. No... I offered him in my dream, that I'll remove him as their father, no paternity tests (because they'd prove he was the father) and no child support. I took off after signing everything before they could catch me, laughing like crazy!

I was granted sole/full custody of the kids! I woke up soooo happy!

[D.Dan]

I did a little more research and discovered... it's a whole lot cheaper (like about 1/8th or 1/10th the price of the original scheme) to go to court as I'm doing right now!

....this is completely crazy....

[Lookin 2 B Free]

D.Dan, I just want you to know, even though I have no advice, I can't wait to see you out from under this.  I was so fortunate my husband did not want to share custody and just gave me the kids.  I'm so sorry for the threat you and GettingOOTF are feeling.  Both of you, (and your kids), are in my prayers.

[D.Dan]

Thank you for the support everyone! 

Trial dates are now set... for a year from now.

I felt triggered when I got the email from my lawyer, luckily I was able to calm myself again with a pot of green tea and remembering that life would be a lot worse if I acquiesced to my stbx and his dad's demands.

This is the least traumatic and harmful path to my divorce, which is hilarious because here, going to trial is known as the worst thing you can possibly do in a divorce! The judge was seriously putting the pressure on me to settle and make this case disappear but I know full well that is NOT what stbx or his dad wants! They'd never let me walk away peacefully....

I'm also laughing at what my stbx ex was offering as a settlement! The threatening email he sent days after my protection order expired was supposedly a settlement offer! According to him and his new lawyer! The crazy email filled with anger at my lack of trust towards him, lies, threats, accusations, saying how much he loved me and wanted reconciliation but then went back to the extreme anger towards my lack of trust (supposedly it's proof that I'm crazy)! THAT EMAIL!?!?! The settlement he offered is:

- me and the kids will be allowed to stay in the marital home if,

I reconcile with him and we all live together,
Not bother with the cps investigation into his online affair with a minor,
Trust him completely,
Go back to how happy life was for him (which means sexual/verbal/emotional abuse for me and physical abuse of the kids to correct their autism!),
Love him completely but allow him to cheat,
Show complete and utter loyalty to him,
Prove my love to him.

Seriously!? That's a settlement offer!? Either get back together and suffer a fate worse than before the separation or go through a temporary hell with court to actually escape all this crazy nastiness.... gee such a hard decision .... isn't there supposed to be a benefit to me somewhere in there?


Haven't heard anything about visitations or paternity tests yet. I completely expect him to demand a paternity test but fight actually taking one.

[D.Dan]

Well, stbx has applied for visitations at the Access agency. It's a few months waiting period, which is good. The annoying part... his lawyer sent a letter confirming stbx's visitation application, demand for me to do the same (I contacted the Access agency 3 years ago, they still have all my info!) and a request to consider using stbx's parents' house for visitations instead of the Access agency! Because they're conveniently close to me and the kids.

I replied no. Access agency is the safest place for visitations.

On top of that, I'm being ordered to sell the marital home therefor me and the kids are moving! I'm not planning on staying in the area with his family! 

Stbx's parents have been covering up for his behaviours his whole life while inflicting their own abuse too! He's STILL trying to weasel out of supervised visits with the kids!

[GettingOOTF]

I am sorry. I wonder sometimes where they find the energy. It feels so relentless sometimes.

Hang in there. You are doing all that you can.

[D.Dan]

I also have this little tickle in my throat that's telling me, stbx might be getting blindsided by the fact that I'll be moving soon. I get the feeling they've been trying to box me into having only one choice (reconciliation with stbx) and aren't even considering the possibility of an option two. That it may not have registered that I have to move in the next few months. It's just like the weirdness of stbx and his parent's trying to destroy my life without registering the fact that their actions will destroy the kids lives as well.

Ah who knows. Stbx has been dancing on the "nice guy" line for years without going too far over the edge and getting seriously caught (people have felt something off about him). I feel like I'm exaggerating about how dangerous I think he is but I also don't want to take such a severe risk by assuming he wouldn't go as far as murder (which is the only thing he hasn't done yet, seems he's tested the waters for almost every other possible crime).

- assault
- sexual assault
- rape
- threats of harm
- threats of suicide
- killing of his supposedly beloved but sickly pet
- sexual exploitation of a minor for 6 months (their relationship was longer than that) which included nudes and masturbating together
- threats of rape
- robbing his place of work
- stealing things from schools, daycares, people at the park, and from people's yards (mostly schools and daycares)
- child abuse
- sexual abuse of children
- endangering a child multiple times
- threats of harm to children
- destruction of property
- carrying a weapon
- uttering threats to outsiders (strangers)

This list is a lot longer than I visualized in my head, and way more creepy...

[HollyG]

Hello,
I recently crossed over from "chosen relationships" to "separates" due to my husband being arrested on federal charges.
I felt the EXACT same thing is you— paranoid, thinking he was going to hurt me, questioning my sanity etc.
For me, I feel it was more about my stress levels and adrenaline/cortisol being so high and burnt out from constant gaslighting, lying and manipulating. I think I was in fight or flight 24/7.
That said, my gut WAS right— I knew SOMETHING was very wrong. Guess what? Week later he was arrested.
Trust your gut. Your body is telling you this person is toxic to you. Big hugs. Please update us and know you are NOT alone.