I feel like I'm going crazy

[D.Dan]

Something inside me has been screaming "WARNING!!! DANGER!!! DANGER!!! WARNING!!!" For the past week, nonstop... and I cry. I'm scared. This can't be happening... crazy things like this only happens in the movies. This can't be real. He wouldn't really try to kill me... right? But the alarms inside me continue....

My brain says I'm exaggerating. That I'm just being overly dramatic. That I'm becoming as paranoid as my uPDmom. That he's never tried to kill me before. That I'm seeing threats where there are none. That it's all in my head. That I'm just getting anxious about the case conference in a week... The last one before trial. It's just anxiousness....

I've done all the preparations I can legally do. I have several safety plans in place to protect me and the kids. Sadly, I have even left a few evidence trails for the police, in case something happens to me.... I even got a few items to change my appearance from normal, for when I exit the courthouse next week.

I feel like I'm going crazy with paranoia...

But the alarms inside continue, urging me to do as much as possible to protect me and the kids. Telling me that the danger is real. To be ready....

Is this normal? I don't feel like this is normal. I feel like I'm skirting the line between safety and psychosis...

But the alarms inside me continue. They are incredibly loud... I'm scared.

Please tell me, has anyone else felt like this before? During a divorce? Is it just in my head? Please tell me this is normal.

I don't like feeling crazy.

PLEASE tell me this is normal.

[Penny Lane]

You are not crazy. If your gut is screaming that you are in danger, you probably are. The book The Gift Of Fear really opened my eyes about our instinctive understanding of dangerous situations. Take care of yourself.

You know better than I do about your available options but have you talked to a domestic violence hotline or shelter? They might have some tools or resources. You also can call the police non emergency line and inform them of your situation. It might be possible to have someone do a drive by at times when you feel escalation is most likely.

I'm so, so sorry you're dealing with this. You are so smart to take it seriously. Let us know how you're doing.

[Free2Bme]

D Dan,

I'm so sorry.  This is so difficult to endure. 

I don't want to imagine my situation was identical to yours.  But, I did experience extreme fear and anxiety when I left  (I had planned and prepared for a while). 

When I left my blood pressure was through the roof trying to get out before H pulled in.  Updxh was returning from a business trip while I was packing up kids and pets, and wiping out bank accounts at breakneck speed (to gather a 10K retainer for attorney).   I'm pretty sure the guy at the bank questioned my sanity, safety or both when I was cashing out the account, I was shaking violently.  I made it out of the house before he arrived.  I went to a hotel and feared he would show up at any minute to  harm me.  I carried a gun.  It was surreal. This was just the initial separation.

As my divorce drug out, I experienced paralyzing fear and lost a lot of weight due to a constant gnawing feeling in the pit of my stomach.  I was always thinking, "what is coming next, and how can I brace myself for it".  He threw everything he could at me.

The alarms in my head got better incrementally.  First, after it was finalized (after almost 3 years).  Then, as time went by it has gotten better.  Occasionally, I am triggered and I'll get that familiar visceral reaction.  I hate it.

No, I don't believe this is the typical experience with those getting 'normal' divorces.  However, divorcing a disordered person is never normal. 

No, you are not crazy.  Trust your instincts and try to focus that energy into thinking calmly and rationally.  Remind yourself to breathe slowly.

Document everything you can in detail and save to outside source.

Tell someone you trust your location/whereabouts.  If you are certain they would not reveal to your H.

Ask for a police escort when you leave the courthouse.

Pennylane has many good suggestions, too.


Please take care and post again soon.  Sending prayers for safety and peace for you and children.
You will get through this.   

[D.Dan]

Thanks Penny Lane and Free2Bme,

I got help from the DV group to build my safety plans and had confirmed with the police that they didn't break any laws here. The police even offered to speak to my stbxh when he sent me the threatening email a few days after my P.O. expired, but I felt that would cause him to escalate and come after me immediately.

See, even though my brain is saying "he'd never do that, he's just wants to scare me into submission", it's also reminding me that I'm worth over 1/4 million dollars and a free house....dead. Especially for his dad. That he and his dad went through the effort to make this a reality. That they could still get a 1/4 million (they were gonna sue me for this amount after they quickly sold the marital home illegally, which never happened) and the marital home, even if I "win" the divorce.

...and that's how unreal it sounds.

He also claimed I was plotting to kill him.

He and his dad have previously projected their own illegal actions upon me during the divorce. The evidence was literally filed by them in the court system. It's confusing everyone that finds out about it.

But because he hasn't done anything recently, there's nothing else anyone can do. We have to wait for him to attack me or something...

It's unreal... I feel like I'm going insane.

[Free2Bme]

Wow.    That is incredible. 

Can you require H and in laws to remove themselves as beneficiaries to your assets?  Ask your L.

When I divorced we had a $250k policy on me with pdxh as beneficiary.  I requested several times that he remove me, he stalled and gave me the run around.  I don't know if he maintains the policy still or not. 

There have to be laws that invalidate a policy if one party threatens another.  I would call the insurance company and explain this concern and ask them for info.

Please take care and try to get rest.  Let us know how it's going when you can.

[Free2Bme]

What I intended to say was ask L or insurance co to remove them as beneficiaries. 

Find out underwriting laws in your state.

https://www.law.cornell.edu/wex/slayer_rule#:~:text=In%20trusts%20and%20estates%20law,the%20murderer%20predeceased%20the%20victim.

[Bunnyme]

Wow.  IME, they project what they are onto you...so if he accused you of plotting to kill him, it may have at least crossed his mind.  After years of gaslighting, we question ourselves.  They made us question our reality. 
Good for you trusting your instincts, and so smart of you to prepare.  It is likely that it is for intimidation, but you have to take it seriously. It sounds like you are doing all the right things. Do you have a therapist?  I love mine, and she talks me through my anxiety.  That and anti anxiety meds helped a lot.  I hope that your court session goes well.

[GettingOOTF]

I watched the Chris Watts documentary the other today. At the end it said that 3 women are killed by partners/former partners every day in the US and most of them are premeditated murders.

I'm sure you know that a women is most likely to be killed while leaving and shortly after having left a relationship.

Your gut is screaming because you are in danger. This is not typical of divorce but it is typical of divorce from an abusive man. You are not "crazy", you are in a very dangerous situation and your body is responding accordingly. It is not possible to overstate the danger of your situation so you are not being paranoid or overreacting in any way.

Good luck and stay safe.

[Poison Ivy]

 

[D.Dan]

Thanks everyone,

Just found out it'll be by teleconference! Thank God!

The alarms inside won't stop though. I don't feel any safer, just one less thing for me to have to do... for now. I feel like he'll lose it once he realizes we could be fully divorced in a month. (According to him, I might find someone who'll love me the way I deserve and cheat on him if we divorced, but he'll try not to kill my boyfriend)

Free,
I remember finding out about the slayer rule 3 years ago. The way the policy is set up, there are 2 loopholes available where we live, that would allow him and his dad to go around the slayer rule (which it seems like they are aware of).

3 loopholes if you count the fact that murder has to be proven here, and I'm part of a culture that is highly prejudiced against. Hundreds of women from my culture remain missing or unsolved murders because no one cares about what happens to them. He's Caucasian. I'm not.

I feel so paranoid. This is completely crazy...

[D.Dan]

So, it turns out the reason my stbx's lawyer was ignoring mine is because stbx got a new lawyer.

He is requesting access to the kids again, completely ignoring the interim order and that he had supervised access.

He and his dad are claiming we had all sat down and made a verbal agreement before buying the house, that fil would buy the house and me and stbx would pay rent by paying all house expenses ourselves.

Nothing even close happened like this. There was no discussion about anything.

They're basically serving me papers for trial already. And this frightens me because their whole case screams fraud. I knew it would probably go to trial but I highly doubt they would allow this case to get before a judge properly.

My stbx is using his lawyers address as his own, still hiding where he is.

I'm trying to stay as calm as possible, but this is so scary.

[D.Dan]

It's quite the coincidence that right before everything shut down due to covid, during my last normal shopping run I happened to walk into a thrift store and sitting out in front of the bookshelf where I could easily see the cover instead of in the bookshelf.... I saw Gavin De Becker's 'The gift of Fear' for $0.99! I left with it.

I've reread the book yesterday and rechecked my assessments in the mosaic method, in an effort to not mislead myself about the possible danger of my stbx. Just like how the internal alarms started up seemingly for no reason, I just wanted to assess how probable the danger was.

I think that the only reason he hasn't come after me yet is because it seems like he and his dad can still hurt and abuse me in court. I'm not sure he'll still feel that way after this upcoming case conference.

The judge is supposed to give us a quick, 'if this were a real trial this is how I'd rule' at the end and I don't think it'll be in his favor. Already he's been implying that the divorce is actually not me vs. him, but me trying to hurt his dad! He seems to think this whole fiasco is ME attacking his DAD! He's willing to sacrifice anything for his dad.

His case conference statement is weird, it seems to imply there's no interim order despite the fact that there is one already in place. He wants access to the kids (he already has supervised access) but something inside screams "he wants access to YOU!" He hasn't done anything since his last email a few months ago, but again something inside me screams, "he's gone quiet... beware the silence." he used to go quiet before he'd physically lash out in the past (I'd forgotten until I reread the book). Something tells me,"he's not going to like how this case conference goes..."

I have nothing to go by except his previous behaviour. I reread the gift of fear. I looked again at the list of 30 pre-incident indicators... he scores 30/30. He scores 8 on the mosaic method. But he hasn't done anything in 3 years. I didn't understand why I feel so much danger when he hasn't done anything in 3 years.

The book explained it, he still has other options to hurt me with first, but they will be disappearing. See, so far the case conferences are informal so my stbx can say and do (almost) whatever he wants without any repercussions but at trial... it's a whole other story.

I feel like if this goes to trial, he'll feel like there are no other options except violence (to protect his dad from me). Because there will be no other ways to hurt me without consequences.... and that's where the danger lies.

[GettingOOTF]

My ex resurfaced. I ran him through the mosaic method. As it had been so long since I'd seen him he scored lower but I did it again as if he were still in my life and the only reason he wasn't 8/8 is that he doesn't have weapons, but he attacked me with a kitchen knife so I don't think not having access to a gun makes me any safer.

A couple of weeks after my ex resurfaced I got a brochure to a cemetery plot and will making service addressed to him sent to my apartment. I know he did it and it's a threat. This isn't his address and he's a different religion. It was in response to an inquiry. I can't prove anything in court but I am 100% sure that it was a threat.

It's been years since my divorce and I've been NC with him for most of it.

The system is not designed to protect women in these situations. My ex isn't going to do anything I can hold him legally accountable for until the time he snaps and comes to kill me. Which I am certain is in his future. He blames me for everything wrong in his life. He didn't get a job 2 years after our divorce. I was still in contact with him then. He got very angry at me and blamed me. There is no reasoning with abusers. They believe the story they tell themselves.

The police agree my ex is a risk. There is nothing they can do. All they said was to make sure I always have my phone on me and to call 911 if I see him. It's a gamble.

My biggest worry is that his girlfriend will break up with him. He lives in her home. I think that will push him over the edge and he will come for me.

All this to say that there is no reasoning with them. And going to court or not it won't change. They all look for an excuse.

I think you are correct that he wants access to you.  My ex tried all kinds of ways to hurt me and then he met his girlfriend and put me on the back burner. I hope something distracts your STBX so you can get through this.

[Boat Babe]

OMG Getting Out of the FOG. How terrifying. I just want to wave a magic wand and make you ex disappear.

I don't have any suggestions as you are clearly on the ball about protecting yourself. I just want you to know that I care for your well-being. Hang in there ❤️

[D.Dan]

GettingOOTF,

I had hoped my stbx would get distracted by someone/something else during the last 3 years too... I highly doubt it now.

From the 2 emails before and after the Protection Order, and from his behavior at the last case conference, he seems to be extremely enmeshed with his dad. He views this whole court case as an attack on his dad. By me. He doesn't seem to be aware that it's a divorce.

The few comments he's made about our court case go between,

- How dare I do this to his dad, try to steal this from his dad
- How stbx will make sure the marital home stays in HIS family (his parents) and not to me
- How stbx won't die for me (HIS OWN WORDS!)

He truly believes I am trying to harm his dad.

I feel that as long as he thinks I'm trying to hurt his dad, he'll be trying to take me down. Only something major happening to his parents could distract him from this, or push him over the edge even faster.

[Penny Lane]

It sounds like you're too late in the process for this, and you've probably already considered it, so feel free to disregard but: It sounds like he's totally fixated on the house. Is there a way for you to give him the house? Maybe in exchange for everything else you want? I'm sure that would pose immense financial and logistical challenges for you, and I'm not saying it's definitely the right course of action. But if you think that you getting the house is what's going to trigger violence, well, a house is not worth your life.

[D.Dan]

It sounds like you're too late in the process for this, and you've probably already considered it, so feel free to disregard but: It sounds like he's totally fixated on the house. Is there a way for you to give him the house? Maybe in exchange for everything else you want? I'm sure that would pose immense financial and logistical challenges for you, and I'm not saying it's definitely the right course of action. But if you think that you getting the house is what's going to trigger violence, well, a house is not worth your life.

It's not about the house, even though it looks like it is. It is my complete and utter destruction. The children are just collatural damage. His dad doesn't really want the house, he wants the 1/4 million (and then some) that he and stbx have already decided that I owe him for all this.

That and the fact that stbx has spoken and behaved as if refusing to just let them destroy my life is equal to me physically attacking his dad.

In the past, when stbx would try to hurt or threaten me, it wouldn't do anything until he went after the kids. Even now, I still remember just getting ready to take a load of laundry into the basement, when I would either hear a loud thump or a child crying and on the other end of the house, in clear view but already to late to witness... he would be standing directly over one of our non-verbal children, looking directly at me with a smile on his face. No anger... Like he was playing a game and just got away with something... He would do it out of the blue... The kids didn't have upset him or anything...

The kids are the best way to hurt me. And he knows it. He's used it many times before. He's even told me that he hurt them for me...

Before I fled to the homeless shelter, he would lock 1 or 2 of the kids in the room with him. It felt like a messed up hostage situation that nobody would ever believe.

If anything happens to me, the local special needs facility that the kids had received therapy from will arrange foster parents for them. Ones that CAN handle special needs kids. It was something we arranged when my stbx and his dad were trying to implement their first version of this scheme. I refuse to allow my children to share my fate.

I'm so scared. I'm scared he'll kill them first.

[Penny Lane]

I get it, I'm so sorry.

 

[GettingOOTF]

My experience in these situations is that it's not what the abuser claims it is. Giving in on one thing only opens the door for pressure to give in on something else.

It's not about "the house" or "visitation", it's about completely crushing the other person. The abuser sees they are losing control and the gloves come off.

[Penny Lane]

My experience in these situations is that it's not what the abuser claims it is. Giving in on one thing only opens the door for pressure to give in on something else.

It's not about "the house" or "visitation", it's about completely crushing the other person. The abuser sees they are losing control and the gloves come off.

You're totally right, I made the suggestion because I WANT D. Dan to have more options than she does. But that doesn't make it so.