Sister is borderline & narcissistic

[Hear4ItAll]

I just want to share a little piece of my struggles. I have known for years that my sister suffers from Borderline PD. She pointed it out to me in a book and she was absolutely right. She has had a tough life full of drama and difficulty and she has been hard to be around. People are either wonderful (for a short time) or terrible (and she is the victim again). She has been hospitalized a few times, in jail once, because of agitated, hysterical behavior. In recent years I've come to understand she also has Narcissistic PD. She has been very hot and cold toward me over the years. Over the years she has become more and more verbally abusive toward me. I've come to realize she doesn't have the same ethic as the rest of the family. She can justify meanness and seemingly have no regrets when she lashes out and is nasty.  We were not raised to be mean or spiteful, or to justify ourselves when we have hurt others.  I truly don't think it bothers her.  I think deep inside she feels inferior and easily threatened but she acts like her **** doesn't stink. I have come to realize she will probably never take responsibility for how she treats others after a blow up where she was horrible toward someone. Afterward it's like it never happened or she was somehow a victim and it is all justified.  As a family, we discuss her with each other to stay strong and to cope with her.  I keep wanting to somehow make things better in my relationship with her. My family feels we are all better off letting her stay away or stay mad or keep a distance if we are lucky enough to have her staying away from us for a period of time. When something important happens, like my parents have a health scare, I want to inform her and include her. I want to somehow make peace with her and have hope she can get better.  I understand from my reading that people with BPD really can get better.  She's been in and
out of therapy for decades (we're not that young anymore) and maybe she is getting better.  I recently reached out to her to let her know our dad was in the hospital and she lashed out and then told my sister that I am such a liar (about something, who knows what).  My sister told me, "don't forget, you already committed the greatest sin and she will never forgive you for it.  After all, you were born."  It is hard to accept that this is as good as it gets.  For the sake of self-protection, I have to try to accept it. I am conflicted because I hate to just write her off.  I know she is hurting and I still love and respect and like her in some ways even though she is pretty awful a lot of the time.  Any attempt to interact with her tends to go wrong very quickly.  This is the state of things.  I wanted to just get this off my chest.  It is like a small but persistent ache in my heart that I think will just always be there with no remission, no solution.  At some point we will have to deal with each other as my parents pass and we make arrangements for a funeral or to take care of final affairs.  She has threatened to make a public scene at their funeral to get revenge for who knows what. I can't avoid her forever nor do I totally want to.  After reading all this maybe you might think avoiding her would be the best idea because her middle name seems to be Trouble. I still love her though and it is frustrating, confusing, and vexing. Perhaps others can relate?

[guitarman]

Welcome. You are not alone.

I have an undiagnosed BPD/NPD sister. I can identify with much of what you have written about such as the black or white thinking, you are either a friend or an enemy, becoming the victim, hysterical behaviour, verbal abuse etc.

What I have learnt over many decades is that I cannot change anyone else's behaviour. I can only change and control my own behaviour. That is very freeing to realise.

I only want the best for my sister. I care but can't cope.

I now call my sister my abuser and I am her target of abuse. Abusers are all about power and control.

I always try and stay calm no matter what happens. Observe, don't absorb.

The "Toolbox" will help you more about what you can do to help yourself. Also I have posted in the "Other Media Resources" section on the forum about videos on YouTube about narcissistic abuse that you may find helpful. I make sure to watch them regularly to keep myself grounded and on track.

There is a community here of people trying to cope with similar but different situations as yourself. We all try to help and support each other through some very difficult times. Other people just don't understand what we have to cope with unless they have been through it all themselves.

Keep calm. Keep strong. Keep posting.

[bloomie]

Hear4ItAll - hello there and welcome. So glad you reached out, yet so sorry for the angst you are experiencing in relationship with your sister.

As guitarman says.. you are not alone. I have been estranged (at his initiation) from my own uBPD/NPD, addicted sibling for almost 9 years now. After years of drama-bound destructive patterns of living he blew his life up and was physically abusive to a dear family member. The consequences of his choices were unacceptable to him and he cut off every member of my family.

I understand what it means to lose a sibling and their family. I know how deeply it cuts. What I can tell you on this other side of things is there is tremendous relief and so much more peace since he is no longer in our lives with his high conflict, always the victim ways. He refuses to take responsiblity for himself and manange his behaviors differently when triggered. Period.

Keep working through this and take full advantage of the conversations and resources you will find here. The support and insights you can gain from time spent here is encouraging and empowering in these oh, so difficult relationships.