sarcasm and txt messages

[stormbrewing]

I am posting in 'common behaviours' rather than 'separating and divorcing' because I think this relates to a behaviour that is common among lot of PDs and many of you may have idea, strategies, or experiences that you could share around dealing with this.

Stbxupdh uses sarcasm a lot as one of his favorite passive aggressive tactics. Unfortunately, his communication preference is via txt messaging.
We are going through separation and need to sort out a lot of 'stuff'. The separation was his decision and my goal is to keep things as steady, calm and 'amicable' as I can for the sake of our family.

When I have called him out on this in the past he would deny that he was being sarcastic - I think that plausible deniability is the reason he prefers txt. If I don't call him out on it he expects that I know he meant the opposite and act accordingly. He has a way of wording things when being passive aggressive that he wouldn't use any other time, so it's often fairly obvious. It is one of the things that has been so 'crazy making' for me throughout the relationship. I don't want to deal with that any more, but I don't know the best way to approach it for now just to get everything sorted so we can be VLC. We do not have any face to face contact now.

My question is, when he sends comments that are, or may be, sarcastic, what is the best way for me to approach it? Trying to give very vague examples, but the messages would be something like 'of course you should keep that' or 'sure it can wait ages why would I be in a rush'.

My options are:
- Take the words at face value regardless of his intent. He expects me to interpret his words though so this could backfire. If I had a dollar for every 'yeah but you knew what I meant' ... as though somehow I am a mind-reader
- Ask for clarification. This tends to lead to escalation (because I should already know what he means). He will likely take any question or request for clarification as an accusation of passive aggression, which, even if true, will be stringently denied and flipped back on to me for 'always thinking the worst of him'
- Try to guess what he meant and act accordingly (ie shift everything to get something done as quickly as possible because I think he means there is a rush even though his words say there isn't)
- Ignore the txts completely and ask again later when I'll probably get a totally different answer because everything depends on current mood and all long term decisions are based on what he is feeling right now

I really do not want to be responsible for his emotional labour any more, but so far things are calm and smooth and I don't want to rock the boat because a tiny splash can lead to a tidal wave and I don't want that for me or the kids.

My mind is boggled  Any advice?

[SparkStillLit]

Geeze LOUISE what if you kept it question/answer, yes/no?
"Please answer yes or no. Do you need this item? Is there a rush on this task?"
You know, like ask single questions and don't give choices?
No "do you mind if" or "do you need this or not" at least IMO that leaves him with room to manuever.

[clara]

  

Don't play his game.  He'll keep doing it as long as he gets a reaction out of you.  That way, he gets to control you, and therefore the situation.   

Brush aside all the unnecessary commenting and commentary and keep to the basics.  When he starts straying into button-pushing territory, bring him back with firm, non-negotiable statements.  When he shows a willingness to communicate as an adult, reward him with a little leeway, but be careful not to give him the inch that will encourage him to reach for the mile.  Remember, you're dealing with a well-established behavior pattern, not something easily broken or changed. 

[blunk]

One of my bpdxh's favorite statements was...you twist my words by taking them too literally.

I think, in this type of situation, I would restate what he said as I understand it. Something like, "based on our most recent conversation/email/text interaction, you would like me to do xyz, please verify that this is correct before I take action".

Not sure if this is appropriate to your situation, but I have used it in the past with some success.

[tragedy or hope]

 Sarcasm is basically hatefulness. Seeing that this is the motive, you have a responsibility to yourself to call him on his rage.

You could tell him until he calms down and communicates with integrity you will not answer texts. You could answer and be sure included in the text would be a statement that you do not want to be spoken to in his abusive manner. (understand this is for you. he will not change, but you are not going to go along with it by your silence. this is a weapon he likes to use with you.)

You could ignore it... he is "yanking your chain" as my unpdh says. Still trying to get you to think about him even in a negative way. They can't bear to be rejected.

You could let him stew with it for awhile. Later, in a matter of fact way... oops! got busy... what was it again you were texting about?

You could try non-committal cues like. "I'll be thinking about that and get back to you." "Good question." but don 't answer right away.  "What are you suggesting?" then don't reply.

All of this to take the steam out of the sarcasm, so you can feel you have some power over how things are going,

Expect nothing more from him. He will not change, but you can use other strategies to mess with his way of being and almost force him to find a new route by not doing or being the way he thinks you will be.

Asking nice does not work with them. You have to speak to them in "their own language" if you are not harsh, as he is, maybe you could reframe the idea as being strong.  The more calm and reasoning you are, the more benefit to you.

Hope this is over for you soon.

[Lauren17]

Hi Storm,
This means of communication is standard with my uBPDh and his FOO. Its so ingrained, that he does it all the time, but it's worse when he's hurt/angry.
Sparks suggestions on asking direct questions is a good one. It sometimes works for me and sometimes not. The reactions I've gotten are below. You might want to be prepared for something similar.
"Do you need item xyz right now?"
"Why are you treating me like an idiot?!!" (Anger)
Or
"I don't...I just" (fake confused)
Or
"The elections are next Tuesday" (unrelated statement)
What I usually do is ignore the snide part and take his answer at face value.
So if the answer is "sure, it can wait ages. Why would I be in a rush?" all I hear is "it can wait."  And my answer is "ok, thanks!"
Do your kids watch Spongebob Squarepants? I think of this as the way that Spongbob never seems to "get" Squidwards nasty comments.

[stormbrewing]

Thank you all so much for your replies and advice.

I love that you are all here and that you get it, but at the same time it's awful that so many of us go through this. This site is keeping me going at the moment.

I am going to take all of his comments/messages at face value and hope for the best. I simply don't have the emotional energy to be his interpreter any more.