Feeling sad that I had a crappy childhood

[Boat Babe]

Mostly I'm fine. Sometimes I'm not.

Today I did a little "cutting cords" meditation because I still miss my ex husband (who is definitely a non). I ended up in tears because when he left, my truly happy family life imploded and I was on my own, again. 

Now it's me and very elderly uPDmum and my young adult son. Mum is what Woman Interrupted calls a Full Metal Waif and is in her late 80s. I dread her getting physically frail, which is bound to happen, and how I will deal with it. My son is living his best life and I try to avoid dumping my pain on him (I have done this inappropriately in the past). He lives in the same town as his dad and they have a great relationship, for which I am grateful. This also means that he is often round his dad's house, with new stepmum, her three young adult children and a vibrant family life.   

I feel so left out, so alone with my pain, so utterly bereft this morning. My childhood was a car crash of violence (my father)  poverty and ghastly, emotional parentification by uBPDmum. I count myself lucky to not be more badly damaged than I am. I can love and I can work (Freud's definition of sanity). But today I feel like the desperately lonely child I was, with no-one to look after me.

Send hugs ❤️

[SunnyMeadow]

Hugs for you Boat Babe. 

Thinking back on my childhood is painful too. We were little children who needed nurturing and kindness. Not getting that is really criminal on our parent's part.

I have a very elderly uNPDm too. She is getting more frail with more issues by the day. It's really hard dealing with them ageing. I think of WI's full metal waif saying also, such a good way to describe how they act.

Your 'cutting cords' meditation sounds interesting and HELPFUL! I like that, keep practicing it. I'm sorry you're feeling bad today. I hope you do things that are special to you. We all have such similar backgrounds that I feel there is a bond here. I understand and I think as I'm getting older I look back more and more and wish things had been different.

More hugs for you ..... 

[Boat Babe]

And hugs to you too Sunny Meadow (what a great name btw). True understanding is balm to the soul and I thank you for that healing kindness. This is compassion in action and when applied to others or oneself is the highest good.

May we all heal  ❤️

[Adria]

I so understand Boat Babe. 

[Boat Babe]

Thank you Adria. I'm feeling better tonight. I went to a friend's daughter's birthday tea and had cake! Hugs back atcha ❤️

[Lookin 2 B Free]

Hugs and prayers for you, Boat Babe.   You always bring such warmth and support to all of us. 

I don't remember hearing Freud's definition of sanity before.  I love it!  So simple.  I can even pass it. 

I'm glad you're feeling better.  Grief is definitely part of the process of healing!

[doglady]

Boat Babe. I'm so sorry to hear you were so lonely as a child. Many of us can relate, unfortunately. Glad to hear you're mostly fine, and sane, too (love that definition - that means I'm sane, after all!).
And I'm really glad you went out and saw a friend and ate cake.  Keep up with the great self care. Thinking of you.

[Boat Babe]

Thanks for kind words Looking2Bfree and doglady. Wishing you both well 😁

[Free2Bme]

Boat Babe,

If not for your trials, you would not be the lovely person you are today, our sufferings sculpt us. 

I really does help to have tea and cake, or the equivalent, now and then.  Feelings of connection to others. 

We do all we can to heal and forgive, focusing our eyes on the positives and the blessings.  Still...some days it is hard, I know. 

Sending a virtual hug and hoping you are having a better day today , take care   

[SparkStillLit]

Loads of hugs. I hope you do feel better. I'm sorry we all have to bond over shit childhoods and all our other shit here, but I'm so happy to have you. You're a lovely person.
Cake makes everything better.