Finding The New Relationship With My Children

[Kat54]

I've posted in the past more on the Separating and Divorcing page about my 2 adult children and the now difficult relationship with them as the result of the split with my ex. They are 25 and 23.  Some days I think was I such a terrible mother through their growing up years that they now don't really care if they see me or not, no matter how hard I try?  My daughter is more responsive than my son, she calls or texts occasionally, my son I never hear from unless I call or text multiple times. He does go through times where he responds, but Last time I saw him was August when he helped move me up to my new house that I purchased.

The town we lived in I go back on the weekends to try and visit with them, mostly my daughter, as they still live with their father in the house we owned together. My sister's summer cottage is right behind my old house and it was so distressing that I was right behind them the last couple years while we were divorcing and barely saw them.  Invites for dinner, or watch a movie many times cancelled at the last minute or son would at the last minute not show up. My daughter is definitely more responsive and we do spend time together, but her father is very controlling and he is extremely manipulative to them. Its all they know so whatever it is they go along and appease him because its easier. I'm more forgiving I guess and not a boat rocker.

I purchased a new home recently about an hour from them, and like I said I get back many weekends to try and visit. But now that my house is a little more put together I'm trying to get them to come up for the afternoon and then have a Sunday dinner this weekend, but again...calls or texts to my son go unanswered. Daughter said she would talk to him as she's game about coming for the day. She doesn't have a car though so she would have to borrow her dads car or make sure her brother is coming also.

When I first moved out and left their father, the guilt leaving them behind was at times unbearable, even though they were young adults I was leaving them with a uNPD father, I'm sure there was some resentment. My ex has been pretty verbally abusive and controlling and I had told them in the beginning this leaving was just not for me but also for them in forging something better for all of us. That still holds true today, so I'm at that part in all this to show them they have a place and its their home also, Gave them each a key, they both have rooms to stay in. I know time has to go by and it has the last 3 years, nothing has changed since the day I left. This distant relationship with my children is not the outcome I was hoping for.  I know more time and more settling in with my home has to happen, make new memories, new holiday traditions. I'm so worried it will never happen. and feeling almost tired of trying and tugging at them to be in my life short of breaking out in tears and begging.

I've had some conversations with my son about this, he always says, "we're cool mom, I'm busy, friends, girl friend, work (he works for his father as an electrician) In my opinion, its the disrespect he's learned from his father toward me. His father, and why I divorced him, was very disrespecting to me and our kids. Son is the same way quite often. Not sure how to fix this.

[athene1399]

I am very sorry you are going through this, Kat. I do remember your story from before. I think you posted on this group a while ago. 

I am so glad you have your own house and it is almost put together. I think it probably doesn't feel like an accomplishment since you haven't been able to share your new space with your kids as much as you would want to, but I think you should still take time to recognize how far you have come after leaving your  uNPDx.

With that being said, I cannot imagine how hard it must be for you to reach out to your kids and not hear back as often as you'd like. But it does sound like your daughter is more likely to spend time with you than your son. It is possible that she is ready to strengthen her relationship with your while your son isn't ready yet. Maybe try giving your son some space. If you text him and he doesn't text back, try waiting longer than you are now to text him back. He says he is busy, so without being able to know for sure otherwise, we have to believe that that is true. Maybe it does have something to do with uNPDx, but your son is the one who has to figure that out on his own. I know that really sucks, because you want them to be able to see how disordered and verbally abusive the PD parent is, but they have to figure that out on their own. They will start asking questions when they are ready. And unfortunately, they may never be ready. Sometimes all we can do is cherish the time we do have instead of wishing we had more time. That is really difficult, but sometimes a shift in perspective can help.

[Kat54]

Thank you Athene1399, I do try and keep my sons perspective and maybe his father is influencing him.  I know he has shouldered a lot with me not being there and working for his father. Believe me I give him lots of space, I only text or call him maybe once a week to check in and if he doesn't answer I move onto the next week.  But just the same, reply to the old lady. Someday I can hope things will change. My daughter is more responsive and turning the tide as I've heard she has been arguing with her father a lot and she does call me every once in awhile crying and complaining about him.  Not that I want her arguing with her dad, but she's seeing and as she gets older has become less tolerant of his behavior.

[athene1399]

I completely get it, Kat. It sucks that your D is arguing with her dad, but at the same time she's starting to recognize his behaviors are maybe not healthy. It's bitter-sweet.

I was always surprised that SD stayed with her BPDmom for as long as she did as the environment seemed very stressful. She told us that she felt responsible for her mom and she felt obligated to stay there no matter how crazy it was at times. I wonder if something similar is going on with your children.  It never made sense to me, but I guess it made sense to SD to stay there.

I hope your D is able to come out for the dinner this weekend. 

[Penny Lane]

I'm very sorry you're dealing with this. I know it's very hard, and you love your kids, and you want them to come Out of the FOG like you have.

I know that you're trying to meet them where they are, and that's a very good thing. Unfortunately where they are right now is physically and emotionally with their father. It's clear you don't like that. I don't like that for them either! It's bad for them. But it's true and they're adults and it's a decision they're making.

I think it probably comes through to them that you don't like it. I think you are probably unintentionally putting pressure on them to make changes to their life that they don't want to make. And if they feel like they have to choose between parents - well, they know that one parent (you) will love them no matter what and the other parent (him) makes his love conditional on them choosing him. So if they choose him, they have the love of both parents.

You can't totally undo that dynamic because your ex is really the one promoting it. But I think you can counteract it in important ways. You can keep showing up so they always know you're there for them. And you can build up the relationship by starting smaller and treating them like adults whose choices you respect even when you don't agree.

I don't think asking your son about the state of your relationship is helping. I don't think talking about holiday traditions is helping either.

I think what will help is going to them where they are. Even if that means they don't see your new house. Meet them at your old house (not that you have to go inside! Like pick them up and take them to dinner). Pick up your daughter without your son, if you have to. In fact, it might be great to try to develop separate relationships with each of them! Ask them about their hobbies and their jobs, ask your son about his girlfriend. Tell them about what's going on in your world without making them feel like you're trying to pull them into it. Offer a low-stakes, loving, friendly relationship that doesn't force them to rehash issues or discuss The State Of Our Relationship. What you're doing right now is close, but it's not quite working, so you need to shift based on the feedback you get. Are there times you feel closer than others to your kids, when things feel easier than normal between you? Make note of that, think about what you're talking about and what you're doing, and try to do more stuff like that. It won't be new holiday traditions, but it will help you build up more closeness and loving behavior.

This isn't everything that you want. This is definitely not ideal. But nothing with PDs is. What I'm talking about is starting smaller and aiming lower than what you'd like. It feels really terrible! We've all had to make these kinds of adjustments, to reframe our thinking, to try to decide "what does success truly look like here and what do I need to let go of?" So make sure you have your own emotional support, where you can cry and vent and get affirmation about how unfair it really is for everyone. And then go back in, keep showing up for your kids, offer them the stability and love they need from at least one parent, even if they're not showing it.

I'm sorry that I don't have a better answer. I know you want to fix it and I wish I had a better way to do that. I think you can repair some damage that your ex has caused, but not all. Some of that needs to come from them. But you will keep the door open for you to help them further if you can ease up the pressure on them while keeping the lines of communication open.

[Stepping lightly]

I agree with PL, sounds like you may need to change your approach. 

I believe that sometimes we put expectations on our lives and when things don't look like we thought they would, we try so hard to make it work.  I think the first step is accepting what you do have with your children right now.  You need to build a full life apart from them and then let them come to you on their own.  Your son may subconsciously feel the pressure of the relationship you want vs. what he has to give at the moment.  He is a young adult and they DO have busy, self important lives. 

Give him space and enjoy the time with your daughter.  Don't tell him "we missed you" or anything like that because it may compound some guilt he is already feeling about the situation.  For your happiness, you need to accept where things are now and hope for the best in the future. 

it may be a silly comparison, but I think back to when I was single.  I didn't get married until my late 30's, and got to the point where every date was an evaluation of "the rest of my life"- could this be the one..blahblahblah.  I couldn't "enjoy" my life because I always felt like I needed to find someone and get married- THEN my life would feel whole.  Don't get me wrong, I was living it up and traveling, tons of friends etc. etc.  I kicked myself one day and said, "THIS is your life, maybe not what you pictured, but here it is...every day- make the best of it!"  And I totally shifted my thinking that day.  I saw dates as "an enjoyable activity" and not the evaluation of a possible husband. I settled into just enjoying each day- and that's when I met my husband.   It worked because he didn't feel like I was desperate to get married, we just had fun together.  I am saying this because I think this applies to all relationships and lives in general- everything we experience is "our life", and holding onto what we hoped it would be only keeps us from finding what it really CAN be.  And when that light comes on in us because we are living the life we are given, it attracts others that want to be a part of it.  It is definitely a mental pivot, and it will need to be intentional, but you're worth it!