Benefits of moving away

[blues_cruise]

I've been thinking lately how much nervous energy I've been harbouring for the last 4 or so years of no contact. NF only lives in the next town from me and it's not far at all. Every time I go out I'm still very hypervigilant, staring at the number plate of every car that goes past and flinching if I hear a voice that sounds similar to his. I do have C-PTSD and calming my nervous system is a work in progress. I don't feel like I can have much of a chance at a steady, calmer life while I'm constantly being triggered.

I'm one sibling of three, the only one no contact and yet I live the closest to him! I guess this is quite telling really. One sibling has always lived hundreds of miles away and that's a huge boundary for him. He can be low contact without the threat of in-person harassment out of the blue and I really envy him for it. Honestly, I think if I had that sort of protection and ability to be unavailable I probably would have remained low contact rather than having to resort to full on no contact. The other sibling moved away a few years ago, just far enough that NF can't drop by randomly without making an effort. I think he in turn is finding that life has improved. He used to also get random visits and rageful banging on his door from NF when he wasn't expecting it. Thankfully NF does largely stay away because his attempts at dropping by unannounced have gone answered and not provided him any supply, however maybe once or twice a year he leaves stuff on my doorstep and I can't stand it. It feels like such a violation when he knows full well I don't want to hear from him.

Honestly, I think it's ridiculous that I'm continuing to live like this and I'd really like a shot at taking my life back. I've never particularly wanted to live here anyway, just ended up here because it's my husband's hometown. There are other factors coming into play too, like wanting to live in a more vibrant area and have some interesting places nearby. I currently live in a very rural area which is a hotspot for the elderly to retire to, and life feels drab. I feel like I'm finally individuating and really starting to think about who I want to be and what I want my life to look like. I have touched upon this with my husband before and he's aware that I have a lot of anxiety from continuing to live so close to NF, but I don't think he fully appreciates the daily struggle. Saying that, he's also been enmeshed with his mother in the past (has improved over the last few months with the covid situation though) and I could see a move being positive for him too. We could properly start afresh, develop better boundaries with our parents and choose a home and location that we both want, rather than me putting up with a situation that I'm not happy with.

I see this as quite a positive thing and I'm hoping that I can slowly broach this subject again with DH and maybe aim to put something into action next year. I'm well into my thirties now and not getting any younger; would be nice to start living rather than surviving. I'm wondering what other people's thoughts are and what your experiences have been? Just hoping for some enthusiasm and encouragement if anyone has any!

[Thru the Rain]

In my early 20s I moved far away from my FOO. I lived in two different states, and then another country (DH was in the American military). It was the best thing for both our marriage and our relationships with our FOOs.

Then we moved back to our home town in our early 30s. The relationships with FOOs was rocky at best, and more time together wasn't good.

After a few years, we again moved away from our hometown. 1500 miles away and too far for any drop-ins.

But DH's uNF and his pitbull step-mother actually FOLLOWED US. They moved to our same new city. They claimed they had always wanted to live here and we were "stealing" the city from them, whatever that means. 

Long story short, we are low contact with my FOO. Not great, but manageable.

But we've been fully NC with DH's FOO for over a decade now. They were so toxic we had to just stop interacting.

I would highly recommend putting more space between you and your F. The anxiety you describe alone is worth making a significant change.

[Hepatica]

blues_cruise I honestly think moving farther away is wise. If I could pick up and move right now I'd be gone.

I made a huge mistake because I had moved away from where I am now, my hometown where disordered FOO lives, and I moved back. I had been over 3000 miles away and I should have stayed that far. I found that when I left and got really far away, I individuated. I met healthy people, found an amazing therapist and began my true healing process. Moving back close to the disorder has been painful and yes, the nervous energy used up frustrates me. They have access to me at any time just by driving over. They use the extended family here to gossip about my distancing from them, and their disorder inflames my C-PTSD almost daily. Lately I sit in my house with the curtains closed and door locked bc my father shows up whenever he wants. It's terrible. It's really not living.

I was much happier when I was away and I know this. I spent the past five months scouring real estate in far away places, but I can't move due to my husband's job. He retires in seven years and I will move us then. It will be hard to leave for one reason only. The location of where I live is gorgeous and we are waterfront. But getting distance from the FOO and the memories will be good for me. I know it.

If you can move, do it. Make it a gift to yourself and an adventure. Give yourself the most beautiful new home, free of the stress. Give that to yourself. I will be doing that one day and I can't wait.

[Jolie40]

if you'd like to move, now would be a good time
the interest rates are low on mortgages

it's also good to move while you're younger since it takes energy for all that packing

go for it!

[blues_cruise]

After a few years, we again moved away from our hometown. 1500 miles away and too far for any drop-ins.

But DH's uNF and his pitbull step-mother actually FOLLOWED US. They moved to our same new city. They claimed they had always wanted to live here and we were "stealing" the city from them, whatever that means. 

That must have been such a blow! "Stealing" a city, oh dear me. I hope this wouldn't happen to us. I don't think it would because we haven't spoken in about 4 years and I don't think NF would achieve much. I'll be making a point of choosing a location which is away from other family members as I think if NF and his wife were to move they would choose to be closer to them in their twilight years.

I made a huge mistake because I had moved away from where I am now, my hometown where disordered FOO lives, and I moved back. I had been over 3000 miles away and I should have stayed that far. I found that when I left and got really far away, I individuated. I met healthy people, found an amazing therapist and began my true healing process. Moving back close to the disorder has been painful and yes, the nervous energy used up frustrates me. They have access to me at any time just by driving over. They use the extended family here to gossip about my distancing from them, and their disorder inflames my C-PTSD almost daily. Lately I sit in my house with the curtains closed and door locked bc my father shows up whenever he wants. It's terrible. It's really not living.

I'm so sorry, I know how hard it is. I have locks on the gate to our house and a discrete video camera on the front door so I can see who's there which helps, but if I know NF has dropped by and left something on my doorstep (recent thing has been dumping my old childhood things at the door) I still get a rush of adrenaline and feel shaky. Realistically he can't hurt me but my brain knows that, it's my automatic nervous system that needs training to understand it and that can only happen with more distance and peace I think.

If you can move, do it. Make it a gift to yourself and an adventure. Give yourself the most beautiful new home, free of the stress. Give that to yourself. I will be doing that one day and I can't wait.

Thank you, I wish all that for you too. The day will come.  

if you'd like to move, now would be a good time
the interest rates are low on mortgages

it's also good to move while you're younger since it takes energy for all that packing

go for it!

True, moving's not cheap! I'm aiming to have a sort out of stuff over the winter so it's not too overwhelming when the time comes. 

[Call Me Cordelia]

I say do it. I too was far away, moved back within fairly easy driving distance, then moved away again. Being nearby sucked. They were ignoring types, so we actually saw them the same or less than when we were far, but knowing that we *could* arrange to see them (and it was my job to do so) or after NC just knowing they *could* easily show up was pretty awful. Distance helped me shed the hypervigilance.

[Amadahy]

We had the opportunity to move 600 miles away when we first married and I really wish we had.  At 51 years old, and with Nmom in long-term care, I am finally carving out a life based on my own needs and interests, but a 600 mile gap would have been very helpful years ago!  (Plus, it would have been near DH's family, who are loving and not PDs.)  If DH is agreeable, it could be such fun for you both to pick a place together!  Good luck!!

[Adria]

I moved away 15 years ago (across country). Never looked back. Best decision I ever made.  just understand that you can run, but you can't hide.  Some of the emotional stuff follows you, but in time it gets easier.  For me, starting a new life far away was the only choice I felt I had, and I took a leap of faith.  After the smear campaigns from my FOO in my home town, life became unbearable there.

I've made a nice life where I am and am very happy.  If that is how you feel, you are at the perfect age to start anew. I would most surely  recommend it. So many new adventures to be had. It's an exciting time. I wish you all the best. Hugs, Adria

[doglady]

Hey blues-cruise,

I feel I could almost have written your letter word for word. Like you, I live a short distance from my parents. I have stated my boundaries and they are not allowed to turn up at my house without my permission 'for the foreseeable future.' I also do not contact them and do not reply when they contact me. Their phone number is blocked and their emails go to spam.

However, they keep resetting/'forgetting' and trying to visit, to the extent that last time my husband told them very directly to leave which my uPDm had a massive meltdown about because apparently she 'thought it would be all right.' Just, no. I also shop our nearby town although usually try to go to another town further afield so I reduce the chances of bumping into them. I tend to also not look about me too much when I have to be in their nearby town for any reason. I feel jumpy when in that town and my nervous system goes into overdrive when I see one of them. They also stalked me recently when I was in their nearby town, parked near my car and waited apparently for nearly an hour until I came back. Sometimes I also see some of their friends or relatives who make snarky comments or give me filthy looks. All of this is just looks ridiculous and unsustainable when I write it out.

I mean I guess I could stay here and live with all this - in theory. I know Woman Interrupted, among others, was certainly able to with her parents only three miles up the road. I bow to her greater strength. However, my kids are finished or about to finish high school and now that that's nearly done I'd also like to move to a more vibrant/urban area, far far away from here. My husband feels the same way. It's just a matter of selling up etc., and finding employment elsewhere, though - more easily said than done when one is no longer young but not quite retirement aged.

One thing I've really noticed is this: whenever I've flown out for a holiday, or even just driven to our state capital, the relief has been palpable. That's very telling. I think we get so used to having our shoulders up around our ears when living near our toxic FOOs (and any reminders of them) we forget how sweet it is to put thousands of miles between us and escape it.

I hope you, and all of us who need to, can get away sooner rather than later. Best of luck and I would love to hear about your progress.

[BettyGray]

Do it!! As you say, you are not getting any younger. With the pandemic a part of our current reality it’s even more important to seize control of our stability and live the life we want and need.
I hope your DH will come to support your idea.

My suggestion is to make a plan. Even if it’s just setting a date when you want to be out. Set something into motion. It may seem unattainable or silly at first, but it’s the way it has to start. It’s way too easy to make it a “someday” thing. Before you know it, months will turn into years. If you stay, where will you be mentally, emotionally, and physically? Unfortunately a lot of us don’t realize until we hit a breaking point - just how much their  toxicity accumulates in us over time and wears us down.

I felt the way you did. I really hated where I lived (only lived there because my FOO did). I couldn’t wait to escape. Their constant crisis mode was killing me. I was 25 and single then, so it was less complicated to get out. But it was my only option. The longer I stayed the harder it would be to leave.

First, I started saving everything I could. I kept detailed records of my expenditures, forgoing any spending that didn’t further my goal of getting out. No new clothes, no drinking or dining out,  no entertainment- nothing unnecessary. I sold things I didn’t need, and took on extra temp jobs so I could save.

Research and figure out how much money you will need.

Next, I started looking for jobs. This was in the early-mid 1990s and the recession didn’t make it the best time to look for employment. It took me almost a year. I wrote down every place, every contact - even the long shots - of possible employers. Eventually the process paid off, and I traveled to do interviews (I drove 9 hours by myself to make the interviews happen in a single day). Luckily, I was offered all three. I accepted one, forcing me to actually go through with it.

I found an inexpensive place to live, put down a deposit and within 2 months packed everything I owned into my Honda Accord, and never returned (except once a year, excruciating visits).

I loved my new city, I could walk to museums, restaurants, parks. The job was a launching pad. It wasn’t my dream job, but it got me OUT. And I learned a ton on the job. It opened me up to travel, I met new people and made professional contacts to get me to the next step. Within 3 years I started my own business, got married and all the hard work paid off.

None of this would have been possible if I had stayed. I shudder to think about what would have happened to me if I didn’t have the courage to leave.

But getting out took laser focus. I was obsessed. I marked days off on a calendar, as I neared my goal.  There were low points when I felt I would be stuck there forever. But having a goal and committing to it is a powerful motivator.

It doesn’t sound as though you can have the life you crave if you stay where you are. You don’t have to live in fear of unwanted contact with your dad and his drama.

Be determined and outline the plan to and with your husband. Help him sure he sees how move improves his life as well.  Once he comes around, you’ll have twice the momentum.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Congratulations, Liz!!! That's so inspiring that you started a new life all by yourself.

[BettyGray]

Call Me Cordelia,

Thanks! It all seems so long ago. I don't think I've ever woken up as excited as the day I left that hell behind.

I was thinking the other day about a movie I saw during the time I was planning my exit. It's not on streaming services that i know of, but it is on YouTube:

https://video.search.yahoo.com/yhs/search?fr=yhs-Lkry-SF01&hsimp=yhs-SF01&hspart=Lkry&p=stream+ruby+in+paradise.#id=1&vid=206d9cdd184a30d4cac44e3e879df0e0&action=click

It's a small indie film called "Ruby in Paradise" and it stars Ashley Judd. 1993 was the release date. It is about a woman who flees an abusive relationship and heads to another state to start over. She doesn't know anyone there, doesn't have much money or a plan, but it doesn't stop her from saving herself.  It was very inspiring and resonated with me and the situation I was in back then.

[Mintstripes]

I 100% encourage you to move. It's extremely empowering and freeing.

I had wanted to move away from where I was born and raised forever. I was bored and hated it there. I could never relate to all my friends who loved the place. I just wanted out, and to be faraway from my FOO.

I thought it would never happen, but I finally moved at 30 years old to marry my UnPDxh. Admittedly, it was hell but I see the positives: I have my DD now and get to live in a city I love, in a different country altogether 

After 4-5 years, my friends stopped asking if I was moving back. When I left, I knew I was gone for good. Also, another great part is that my UnPDxh ended up moving out of state! Funny how things work out. 

[blues_cruise]

Thank you for the advice and encouragement everyone. The topic came up with my husband the other day. Moving is something we've spoken about before and he's had an online house alert set up for a while now, so when something that meets the criteria he's set comes on the market he's been forwarding it to me. The problem was, he was searching for houses which were just far too close for my liking. Some would be even closer to uNF than where we are now! We had a proper discussion about it the other day and I'm feeling a bit more optimistic about it. He doesn't particularly want to move and had wanted to just enjoy where we are now for a while, but has said that as long as he can still get to work he can settle anywhere. This is where I'm quite proud of myself because in the past I might have felt guilty and submitted to his former point to please him, but I know now that I deserve a peaceful, satisfying life too dangit and that's not going to happen if I'm complacent. I stressed to him that I really cannot be truly happy staying where we are indefinitely and that long-term I need to live somewhere with more distance from my hometown. He does seem to understand (well, maybe not so much understand but accept) it better now and is open to considering houses further afield.

I do think it could be a really good thing for both of us and I'm taking on board Liz1018's advice (thank you!) about helping him to see how it improves his life too. I really think it would. The region we've been looking at would still be a good distance from where he does the outdoors activities he regularly enjoys with his friends and he'd actually live even closer to some of them. We would have whole new places to discover and still have lots of lovely countryside to take our dog to, but be nearer to some major towns which would be better for any leisure activities we might want to go to, plus provide better opportunities in terms of future job prospects. It would even be good for our extremely energetic dog as I would be sure to choose somewhere with a slightly bigger garden where we could have the space to properly play ball and set up some hurdles.   

Another thing that I hadn't really considered the impact of until now is that a new house would be entirely ours. That would be a lovely thing. Currently we're tied in to co-owning a home with his parents and while I appreciate the financial freedom this has given us, I'm becoming less comfortable with it. If anything were to happen to H (of course I'm not expecting this, but hypothetically) then I would be at the mercy of his mother honouring certain financial agreements that she's made solely with him. It just doesn't sit well with me, particularly now she's getting increasingly vulnerable and mentally fragile in her old age. I would be far happier to remove ourselves from the bind, sell our share and get a mortgage on a house that we can truly call our own. I've never chosen or fully decorated a home before and I really want that.

There are also his parents to consider, which is important since he's all they've got locally. His mother can be very waify and needy, which I'm sympathetic to but I do think it's important for us to put ourselves first and allow her to get used to the idea of us living a little bit further away while she's still got her mental faculties. If his father passes away first and she's left alone as a vulnerable, old woman I can see her getting distressed and it causing all sorts of issues. We need to make our own path, which will then allow them to decide upon theirs and to consider their immediate support network (i.e. perhaps moving to a bungalow in a more built up area and having access to more services for the elderly, things like that...things they should be considering and actioning now anyway to be honest because she's in increasingly ill health). I don't want to miss our window for doing this, which might sound callous but H's mother is the kind of person who will just assume that her son will be on hand to do everything for her without considering his needs.

So yeah, it does increasingly feel lie the right decision. It's just a case of getting myself more secure financially (and mentally to be honest) and then workings towards it.

However, they keep resetting/'forgetting' and trying to visit, to the extent that last time my husband told them very directly to leave which my uPDm had a massive meltdown about because apparently she 'thought it would be all right.' Just, no. I also shop our nearby town although usually try to go to another town further afield so I reduce the chances of bumping into them. I tend to also not look about me too much when I have to be in their nearby town for any reason. I feel jumpy when in that town and my nervous system goes into overdrive when I see one of them. They also stalked me recently when I was in their nearby town, parked near my car and waited apparently for nearly an hour until I came back. Sometimes I also see some of their friends or relatives who make snarky comments or give me filthy looks. All of this is just looks ridiculous and unsustainable when I write it out.

It's not ridiculous at all, I know how it feels. I won't go to the town I grew up in even though it's bigger than where I live now and has more going for it. It's just far too triggering and stresses me out. uNF is affronted enough by my silence to not waste his time making the 25 minute drive over here too often, but on occasion he will do it just to dump things on my doorstep. It's the first thing he did the very day that the over 70s were allowed to come out of shielding when the covid lockdown here was lifted, which I found telling. I can imagine the thought process going somewhere along the lines of: "Freedom! How about a nice trip out somewhere? A day at the beach? No I know, I'll dump some childhood things on blues' doorstep and remind her on this significant day that she should be feeling shameful for not being in contact with me. That's far more important." I know that if I were to give him an inch he'd start taking a mile. Even the most extreme of low contact in the form of a Christmas card would equate in his head to "Oh things are back on track, I'm going over there to confront blues on her behaviour!" and it would turn into a shaming session and we would be back to square one. Ideally I'd like to one day be in a position where I could feel mentally secure enough to just send a card now and again and only have to see him at safe enough family gatherings, but I don't see it happening without having distance in place as a major boundary. I do accept that his behaviour will always be toxic and that this won't change, so if we ever have contact in the future the onus does have to be on me being mentally healthy enough to cope with it and have very firm boundaries.

[DistanceNotDefense]

blues_cruise, I just want to say that you sound so excited, optimistic, and happy about this option - and just like me when I know when I know I'm on to a great idea! Discussing all the pros of how it will work. I think you should go for it. And definitely don't take the backseat to what DH thinks! Push for what you want it will be so worth it. It sounds 100% like he can adapt to your desired changes, while the inverse (sticking where you are now) is a much greater compromise for you than any move would be for him. Take the lead and don't look back!

[Hepatica]

Hi blues_cruise 

I have to say, I am really excited for you. I second what DistanceNotDefense says about pushing for what you want. What better way to move toward healing by actualizing what makes your life happier and healthier.

I think a lot of pain (for me) comes from feeling mired in the challenges and memories of a painful childhood like I'm still stuck there, when really I'm not. I can change this anytime. There's something so incredible about taking our lives back into our own hands and giving ourselves what the disordered people before were not able to. We do have agency as adults and sometimes it takes awhile to realize that.

Please keep us updated. Don't feel bad about advocating for yourself. I'm rooting for you.

[Hilltop]

Blues_cruise congratulations.  I'm really excited for you.  I agree with what you have said about the co-ownership of your house and I bet you are going to feel great when you have your own house completely owned by yourselves.  It will feel secure.

Keep advocating for yourself, if where you are living doesn't work for you, you shouldn't be stuck in that situation.  The distance will help with anxiety for sure. 

Let us know how you go, I'm cheering you on.

[Happypants]

Blues_cruise - that sounds like a huge amount of progress over something so important  Sounds like a fantastic move to make!

I agreed to move to a nice area that my OH loved but on the basis that it wasn't going to be majorly long-term (i had 5 years max in my head) because it is nearer my parents and i knew i would be called-upon/expected to fall into a helper role - distance would have meant still being able to help but not feeling trapped.  My OH doesn't remember my terms and I'm stuck here, times moving on and I'm being drawn in. 

Please, please, please keep that determination and self-differentiation from here on in and move to somewhere that you can thrive.  I'm so chuffed for you x

[blues_cruise]

Thank you all. 

blues_cruise, I just want to say that you sound so excited, optimistic, and happy about this option - and just like me when I know when I know I'm on to a great idea! Discussing all the pros of how it will work. I think you should go for it. And definitely don't take the backseat to what DH thinks! Push for what you want it will be so worth it. It sounds 100% like he can adapt to your desired changes, while the inverse (sticking where you are now) is a much greater compromise for you than any move would be for him. Take the lead and don't look back!

Thank you! Yes, I think there should be equal compromise for sure and it will be so much fairer if we move somewhere based on a shared vision rather than me just putting up with a long-term living situation because it suits DH. As an only child he stands to inherit his parents' share of the property anyway so I think he has reason to be far more complacent about moving than I have. I am fortunate that he does take my opinion seriously but will have to actively take the lead as you say; it won't happen otherwise!

Hi blues_cruise 

I have to say, I am really excited for you. I second what DistanceNotDefense says about pushing for what you want. What better way to move toward healing by actualizing what makes your life happier and healthier.

I think a lot of pain (for me) comes from feeling mired in the challenges and memories of a painful childhood like I'm still stuck there, when really I'm not. I can change this anytime. There's something so incredible about taking our lives back into our own hands and giving ourselves what the disordered people before were not able to. We do have agency as adults and sometimes it takes awhile to realize that.

Please keep us updated. Don't feel bad about advocating for yourself. I'm rooting for you.

Yeah definitely, thanks Hepatica.  It feels like the next step to long term healing and peace rather than being stuck in survival mode constantly. You're right, we can change our circumstances at any time as adults and the reason we can feel stuck is because of a harsh inner critic and emotional flashbacks to a time when we were young and had no say in our living arrangements. Honestly, when I moved out of uNF's house at 21 I had no aspirations or long term planning other than to get away from him and have at least some distance. It was a blessing that I did meet a man I genuinely loved and wanted a life with as in that mental state I could so easily have jumped into another toxic situation. I've been in survival mode for so long and I'm just realising that I don't really need that defense mechanism anymore as an adult and that it's hindering me nowadays rather than protecting me.

Blues_cruise congratulations.  I'm really excited for you.  I agree with what you have said about the co-ownership of your house and I bet you are going to feel great when you have your own house completely owned by yourselves.  It will feel secure.

Keep advocating for yourself, if where you are living doesn't work for you, you shouldn't be stuck in that situation.  The distance will help with anxiety for sure. 

Let us know how you go, I'm cheering you on.

Yes absolutely, the more I consider it the more of a goal sorting out the co-ownership becomes. Again, it's the whole transition from survival mode to wanting to live a good life as an adult...it's worked for many years but going forward I think owning our own home and being independent of DH's parents will be far healthier. Thanks for cheering me on! 

Blues_cruise - that sounds like a huge amount of progress over something so important  Sounds like a fantastic move to make!

I agreed to move to a nice area that my OH loved but on the basis that it wasn't going to be majorly long-term (i had 5 years max in my head) because it is nearer my parents and i knew i would be called-upon/expected to fall into a helper role - distance would have meant still being able to help but not feeling trapped.  My OH doesn't remember my terms and I'm stuck here, times moving on and I'm being drawn in. 

Please, please, please keep that determination and self-differentiation from here on in and move to somewhere that you can thrive.  I'm so chuffed for you x

Thanks Happypants (I love your username  ). That situation sounds difficult, I hope that you and your OH can find some kind of compromise as it sounds like you're the one who's having to make more sacrifices at the moment. I live the closest to uNF currently which is just weird with me being the only member of the family who no longer communicates with him. I don't think I'm best placed mentally to have much involvement in any care or attention he might require as he gets older, yet I feel the pressure already simply because other family members (have chosen to!) live much further away from him. My husband will definitely feel pressure to look after his elderly parents (in fact, it's already starting...his mother is the engulfing type and we're only 5 minutes away  ) and being able to offer help without feeling trapped will be the best thing in the long run for him both physically and mentally too I think.