Mom just showed up at my house/work place

[Lisa]

Hi All,
I am currently freaking out, my heart is racing, I am shaking, feel like I could cry.
I have been VLC with my Mom during COVID, she has not called me once since May and I have accepted that as a nice break from her daily calls.
It's like if she can't see me then there's no point in any sort of contact, whatever that's about?!

Any text messages over the past 8 months have been her specifically asking when she can see me, what my problem is why I won't see her, why I hate her, why I am angry with her.  I have grey rocked those.  This past week it has switched to pictures (text message) of her having tea out of a mug I gave her or a flowers I like or a saying in a calendar she wanted to share that are all lovey dovey.
THEN she texted that she got me a birthday present, which I am an adult and she has not given me a present in over 10 years.  She asks if she will see me on my birthday weekend, I share with her the current COVID restrictions and say I will not be seeing her this weekend.........

A few hours later she is at my door! She would have had to drive 3 hours to get to me.   It is a work day.  I am working at home and she knows this.  Essentially she is showing up at my work.  I was in a work call and my dog was barking like nuts, I peaked out the window and saw her.  I could hear him running around the house as she peered in the windows, thankfully I was upstairs.  It got so loud I had to ask my client to wait while I answered the door.  She was sitting all cozy on my front porch stairs, drinking a cup of coffee, obviously happy to wait for however long.
She asked to come in to visit, I again re-iterated the COVID restrictions AND said I am working!  She asked when my work break is and said she would wait, I told her I have no break today- which is true, work is super busy.
Then she tried to get into it, why haven't we been talking more, why have we not seen each other.  When I pointed out we were talking outside my house with masks on she rolled her eyes and insinuated I had some sort of issue.
She kept trying to talk and I kept saying I have a work call on hold, I need to go. 
Here I am, alone in my house, needing to focus on work, feeling panicked and upset, feeling like I have no-one to talk to who gets it... which is why I decided to post.

[Andeza]

We get it! We totally get it. She envaded your personal space and made you feel the sanctity of your home had been violated.

Deep breaths, steady and slow. You are strong enough to get through this.

The important thing at this moment is re-establishing your calm and patching up your inner peace. Once you feel a little better in the immediate present you can finish your work day.

[Andeza]

Now, I may be double posting but wanted to address the immediate issue in a hurry for your sake. I want to add a few things for future.

You do not have to open the door for her. Ever. Period. The affect she had on you is extremely unhealthy and should be avoided. I'm sorry it's come to that. I really am.

Next time I recommend a different game plan. Lovingly tuck doggo into a room where they can't hear the person at the front door, with food and water, give them a pat and go back to whatever you were doing. Ignore, indefinitely, the unwanted garden gnome on your front step. If she becomes belligerent, like banging repeatedly on the door or standing outside the windows yelling,  you can absolutely call the police and have them shoo her away. You don't have to so much as poke your head out the door.

If you don't want to talk to her, and don't want to see her, don't. She doesn't get to force the matter. It's your choice, not hers. She doesn't get a say. You are the one that gets to evaluate your health and stability and decide who will and who will not be allowed to show up on your doorstep.

Much love to you. This is a hard thing, truly. I recommend taking some time to do the things that bring you peace at the earliest opportunity.

[Hepatica]

Holy HELL, there must be a pull on the disorder thread today! My uNPDfather just showed up and my heart is racing and I'm shaking.

I feel your pain absolutely literally!!! I haven't spoken to my family since his last visit in August when uNPDfather told me I was crazy and needed to go see my shrink.

I had just been outside in my garden bc we got a burst of sunlight for about ten mins, so I went outside to get some Vit. D while I waited for my buttertarts to bake. (Otherwise i live inside with my curtains closed and door locked.) A huge wind set in as I sat there and a really dark cloud was moving in quickly from the east (coincidentally from the direction of where my parents live.) I should have taken this as a sign... 

I was watching it and thinking about it in terms of bad seasons in life coming in and then passing and I was watching the leaves fly off the trees and listening to the sound of gusts of wind thinking maybe i'd better go inside bc the dark cloud looked really scary and it was coming in fast potentially bringing rain. So I jumped up, went inside, added a minute to the buttertarts and suddenly uNPDfather was outisde entering my garden. I ran to my entrance door to lock it and I swear his hand might have been on the freaking handle. Earlier in the summer I had left the door unlocked and he walked right in where I was hiding in my livingroom so I've been really vigilant about locking, but I hadn't done it FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE AUGUST! AGHHH!

Then the stupid timer on my oven began to go and my window was open and I was praying his hearing was too bad to hear it and praying the buttertarts weren't burning and I didn't know what to do so I crawled back and turned the oven off, from which I am sure he probably saw my hand reach up and wondered what the heck is going on.

I feel sick.

I totally understand your fright and I'm so sorry you were forced to deal with your Mom. That's is horrible!!

[Andeza]

For what it's worth, I think they're ramping up because we are approaching the holidays. The Holy Grail in PDland of looking like a perfect family... which is hard to do when your kid isn't speaking to you. So it's that time of year again.

[Lisa]

Thank you Andeza and Hepatica for your responses, I am so glad for this online community.

Thank you for "getting it" and for knowing that this felt like an invasion/intrusion and a violation.  Reflecting yesterday I definitely think she has recently been triggered by the upcoming holidays AND knowing that I am moving further away, a couple thousand miles. 

I am upset that she uses my birthday against me, she acts entitled to celebrate it with me and every year she gets mad when I chose not to.  This year she used buying a present as a way of manipulating a visit, which means she used my birthday to try and manipulate me  .
I can also just imagine her telling people how she drove 6 hours to give me a birthday present and I wouldn't even let her inside the house or take 5 minutes to visit with her because I was too busy with work.

She has increased her attempts to contact me and visit me since I told her I am moving in the next couple months.  Again she is making my things about her! No questions about my life and this new exciting transition just all about her and as she would say "you need to make time for me"

Might be a couple bumpy months

[Andeza]

It might be, but you don't have to participate. And if she chooses to drive six hours round trip uninvited, lol, that's on her. Don't worry about what she tells people is my advice, as is something outside of your control. Therefore, not worth the brain power.

I do live over a thousand miles from my uBPDm. It's nice. You're going to like it. And we are planning a move at a nebulous date in the future that will throw a couple hundred more miles between us.  This time, she's not getting out new address at all. But, we are completely nc.

I'm sorry she tried to use your birthday. It's a very common tactic, but it's very unfair. It is one day a year, for some of us the only day a year, when everything gets to be about is for us for a minute. Naturally, pwPDs can't tolerate that. God forbid the focus not be on them for once. /s

If you haven't, I recommend not giving your m your new address. Limit the avenues through which she can bug you.

[BefuddledClarity]

Hello Lisa,

Sorry to hear about that situation! It sounds like you have made your boundaries quite clear but she chooses to ignore them. If she was respectful of them, she would have left your workplace/house and not have argued with you nor saying those childish things to you(ex. "Why do you hate me?" "What's your problem?"). Those are fighting words.

If I were you, I would not JADE-Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain, she will not understand you. Instead, I recommend that you keep doing what you're doing with Grey Rock or maybe Medium Chill depending on your situation.

I have been in those same shoes with my own mother a couple of years back.

I ended up blocking my mother due to the triggering things she would say "How can YOU ignore your mother, I bet [friend ABC's name] and [friend XYZ's name] doesn't do this to their mothers!". Furthermore, she would constantly "love-bomb" me via text and if I don't respond, she get nasty.

When I was in contact with her, she would doing things such as trying to rearrange the furniture at my place or when I lived (temporarily) at my brothers house, she tried to open my door to my room whenever she felt like, so I locked it. She screamed at me whenever I locked the door saying "How could you do this to your poor mother?" When I had a long exhausting day at work trying to nap in peace.

It's been a never ending switch between NC/VLC, though now my mother has "calmed" down and isn't as...pushy, though YMMV.

However, I am going to cut the cord loose completely soon. (DO NOT go NC unless that is what you really feel is best for you, do what makes you comfortable. Whatever choice you make is valid, whether NC or VLC/LC. I am choosing to go NC because it is the best choice for me).

I recommend reaffirming your boundaries one last time advising that "No, you cannot come over. I do not feel comfortable having company over while the pandemic is going on, and I have been busy lately. But I will let you know when there's a good time."

If she pushes back with the usual "Why do you hate me?" "Do you have a problem with me?" "Why are you angry", I suggest you try to Medium Chill and say this:

" I am sorry you feel that way, but I've got too much on my plate right now./I'm not able to set aside the time needed./Perhaps next season when things clear up."

To be honest, I am not a fan of the phrase "sorry you feel that way" because my PDmother uses it, but it mentions on the Medium Chill link that it's appropriate to use when PDperson is trying to provoke you.

If she STILL pushes and says rude/derogatory things to you, then it is OK to block her. You do NOT have to put up with her abuse. You do NOT have to open the door to her either. You already advised of no visits and your mother needs to respect your boundaries.