Facebook debacle

[Amadahy]

Wow. Just had a PDish experience w a friend from high school on here. I made a brief comment about a drink he posted that I don't like ("yuck") but said it was good to see him and others enjoying it. He responded badly, finding some of my posts so he could post "ew" and "gross," etc.  It felt very stalker-ish and out of control.  I apologized in a pm and took my comment down since it hurt his feelings, but he kept at me.  I blocked him.  I'm very shaken and sad.  I've seen signs of his mood swings, but I'm literally shaking and fearful. Fortunately, he's physically far away, but I'm bummed that this has had such an effect on me.  And, I'm bummed I had to block.  Sigh.

[notrightinthehead]

I find that scary when things go so wrong with another person. I ask myself if I read the other person incorrectly or if I am not aware of how my comment affects the other person. I have had  such experiences as well and it felt like a punch into my stomach with a stone sitting there afterwards. So sorry it happened to you.  Seems like you are taking the high road and stopped engaging with him. Probably the best you can do for now.

[GettingOOTF]

I don't like any confrontation and you never know how people are going to react.

My approach to all social media is not to comment unless it's to say something positive. I leaned through experience that joking is very easily taken the wrong way. 

The way I deal with conflict it to try to take a step back and also myself what I'm really afraid of and what the realistic outcome will be. It's usually conditioned behavior and the threat is low but I'm so used to conflicts blowing up that my body automatically goes in to high alert mode.

[Amadahy]

Thank you both for replying.  Your comments help.   

Does anyone think I did something wrong, even inadvertently?  I struggle with shame in this regard and am open to learning.  I struggle also with the thought that my (former?) friend thinks I did this with malice, based on some of his comments before I blocked him.  Thanks.  xo

[GettingOOTF]

There is no way to tell tone on line. If I posted a photo and someone commented "yuck" I'd feel upset too to be honest.

When people put themselves out there they are being vulnerable to some extent so can be sensitive to perceived criticism.

I don't think you did anything "wrong" that you should feel bad about, but if it were me I'd moderate my comments going forward.

I did something similar to a friend and one of her friends contacted me about it. I felt angry as I didn't mean anything by it and then I felt embarrassed and ashamed that I'd been called out. I contacted the friend and apologized. It turned out that she was actually very hurt by what I thought was a harmless throw away joke. It was a very uncomfortable experience for me and now I'm more careful in how I deal with people.  I tend to have a sarcastic sense of humor which doesn't always translate well. 

His reaction does seem extreme but that doesn't mean there wasn't something there that was upsetting.

[Amadahy]

Oooh, that makes me feel bad.  I will let some time go by, unblock for a bit and apologize again.  However, if I feel stalked, triggered or attacked again, I'll have to block again.  Internet communication is hard!  I guess I've never gotten my feelings hurt if someone said they didn't like a food or drink I posted, but maybe "yuck" was taken more personally when I meant "yuck" I don't like that particular drink, which I actually explained to no avail.  I probably need to just post cat memes.   

[Call Me Cordelia]

I don't like cats. 

Sounds like you could have refrained from posting "yuck" but a healthy person would have been more, "That wasn't very nice. Oh well." And either just move on initially or after One brief call-out. This is a mere difference of preference. That's allowed. His response sounds really over the top and I'm glad you are protecting yourself.

[clara]

Going out of his way to make a similar response on your old posts?  How old is he, 12?  I agree that a healthy person wouldn't respond that way.  They wouldn't take offense over you expressing your dislike of something that isn't personal.  But he took it personally.  For some reason, he got triggered, and then went on a passive-aggressive attack.  In my opinion, he's the problem, not you.  I think if you still want this person in your life, even if just on FB, monitoring the situation is a good idea.  Don't let it go as a one-off, because it likely isn't. 

[SparkStillLit]

It does seem over the top in response. I don't like peanut butter, in fact I loathe it and just the smell...yeeesh! Anyway, all my friends know, so I tease them with "yuck" or "gross" about their PB based things, but follow up with whatever ordinary nice thing to say. Nobody goes mad.
Perhaps hurt by "yuck", but a simple "hey, yikes, that was hurtful" would have been fine, rather than a ramapge yucking up your entire posting history.

[Amadahy]

Thank you all SO much.  After stepping back and tending my own triggered self and reading your thoughts, I have decided to keep him blocked on social media.  I remember him making a stink on facebook a few months back about how his family had treated him horribly, but I questioned his perception and was put off by his public multitude of erratic comments about them, which bordered on the maniacal. I know we can't put comments verbatim here, but his comments to me bordered on abusive and frantic. I was sure to apologize, that I had not meant to be hurtful but that my words were careless. I did not demean him or gaslight his perception, but in return he called me several insulting names, put childish comments on some of my posts, said that he had "won" the discussion, and just generally gave me a feeling of someone who was severely dysregulated and unable to be socially appropriate in the moment.  I don't hold it against him, but I've had enough of that with Nmom, thankyouverymuch!  In short, I do regret the "yuck," because it was hurtful to him, but I don't regret anything else I said and sometimes that's the best we can do, I think.    

Thanks, as always, for being a safe space to ponder and learn.  xoxo

[Concerned One]

I removed myself from Facebook and all social media for that matter.

Ten years ago a former lover posted a picture of her on her horse which had recently died. I think she tagged it with the line: 'my first ride' or something like that.

With the best intentions I made a very short comment. A double entendre. She was very upset and angry. Started posting on my wall angry things for all to see.

I was very shocked because to me it was just a joke but I can see how upsetting it was for her.

Not long after (about 7 years) I decided it best for everyone's sake if I remove myself for a while whilst I work on myself.

Now I can see because of my upbringing what I consider normal/healthy behaviour to others is not.

Having said that I don't think saying 'yuck' to a drink is all that bad. It's not like you were saying yuck to the person. They must be really emotionally invested in that drink.  What drink was it?

[lakersgirl248]

Honestly yes facebook seems like a very toxic place these days. I really am not happy with the way it makes me feel.

[Amadahy]

Just a quick note .... my counselor says my friend reacted in this way because of the disease of alcoholism (after questioning about his drinking habits).  I know very little about this, but it made sense as he drinks a *lot* and got uber angry.  She says I didn't trigger him at all in the way I was thinking, but that the comment was interpreted by him through the lens of knowing (on some level) that he has a problem.  That explains a lot, if it is accurate.  It also gives me lots of compassion for him, but I'm still going to keep the boundary of blocking him.  I just don't have the mental energy to cope, as much as I hope he receives help.    Thanks again for thoughts and comments.  xo