Custody and more parenting time?

[mylife]

Any primary caregivers who have navigated the legal system with a BPD/NPD person who was verbally and emotionally abusive? I have a baby who I love beyond all planets. So much so that i finally left my PD partner of 4 years when the baby was two months old. I have a ton of support and yet I feel so alone in this. My ex looks so normal to the world and he is a monster about 60% of the time (+/-).  I filed for sole legal custody and am going to do everything i can to get more parenting time to protect my baby and myself.

Anyone have experience with this they can share?
Any advice on how to navigate negotiations, the convoluted process and books are welcome.

[Bunnyme]

First of all, good for you for making choice to leave and protect your baby.  It is never easy.
It sounds like you are doing everything right.
I'm sorry for what you've had to endure.

I have sole legal and physical, but only because I got him to sign an agreement.  Do you have an attorney?  Mine says that in court, cutting their legal custody is very difficult.  Document, document, document.  Can you show that he is making poor decisions or doing things to the detriment of the child?  (E.g.  not agreeing to a pediatrician to spite you, regardless of the needs of the child).  If I go to court, I plan to show how I asked him for his opinion on a daycare decision, but he ignored me and then lied.  He went to rehab and says he continued treatment, but our insurance hasnt been billed since July.  He makes poor medical decisions.  The fact that he verbally and financially abuses me are largely irrelevant when it comes to legal custody of his kids.  Not to frighten you, because these are extreme cases, but my attorney has had cases where one parent retains legal custody despite sexually abusing the child.  Now, it affected physical custody, but not legal.  That may not always be the case, but the point is, showing that they are just a general bad person wont be enough.  Think about each type of custody separately, as each requires a different set of evidence and arguements.  Just keep documenting.  It can be done.  After every phone call or interaction when we talk, I keep a diary and take notes on the conversation.

[Penny Lane]

Two really helpful books:
Splitting by Bill Eddy and Randi Kreger
The High-Conflict Custody Battle by Amy Baker, Michael Bone and Brian Ludmer.

Both Eddy and Baker have other books specifically dedicated to coparenting with a difficult person which are also very helpful.

To add to what Bunnyme says: I hope you can get the custody situation that you want. But the court process is often frustrating and many things are out of our control. Fight like hell for what you want, but if you don't get it, if your child ends up spending more time with their dad than is healthy - that is OK. You will both be OK! It won't be ideal, but you will make the best of it. You'll teach your child to be resilient and how to take care of themselves. This is a very important time, yes, and don't just give up, but have hope that however the court process works out, you and your child will be able to thrive!

You've taken the first, hardest step, and there are more hard times in your near future (I hope you have a good lawyer and a good therapist to help you through), but there is also so much joy and good stuff ahead of you!