I'm So Tired of My Fawning

[Hepatica]

Oh dear goodness, I am so so tired of my fawning.

How does one get over this paralysing submissiveness? How do I find my power? I am about to get a phone medical appt. with my GP and I'm so anxious and already in fawning mode. Any sort of authority does me in. So frustrated with this old habit.

[Concerned One]

boundaries?

I'm too rigid, I think, which makes me very combative/fight or frozen.

[Boat Babe]

Perhaps the "fake it till you make it" approach might work.  You could also prepare a few key phrases to use to ensure you are heard and getting your point across. Write them down. You may also benefit from the Non-violent Communication method which does exactly what it says on the tin.

We have to unlearn our initial, faulty programming and embed healthy, skillful habits of living in their place. This aspect of your healing has now arisen in your conscious mind, probably because you are ready to address it. This is a very good thing. 

Approach your fawn response with love and compassion for yourself.  It was a survival trait back then and shows your ability to protect yourself then. You know it no longer serves you, but maybe spend time with this aspect of your inner child. Certainly don't be hard on yourself when approaching the issue. Definitely don't judge yourself and add insult to injury !

Look into gentle and trauma informed ways of dealing with this aspect of your probable C-PTSD. Set yourself a journey, with attainable wins along the way. This is deep, deep work and I, for one, would benefit from learning from you as you heal.  All the best. ❤️

[Coyote23]

Some great responses. I would add, slow down. It's ok to pause in a conversation before responding. It's also ok to say nothing as a way of not delivering a fawning response. Take a deep breath when your mouth involuntarily wants to open. Fawning is a form of nervous chatter. You can work on that part first and get to the deeper core issue around confidence but by bit as you go. Also, I ALWAYS make a list of questions for my doctor and that usually gives me more control in the conversation. If I forget to ask a question,  I message her afterwards.

[Boat Babe]

Your post got me thinking Hepatica, along lines that I was already exploring.

I'm a massive fawner but no-one who knows me would believe it because I have a very confident exterior and a bit of a F**k You attitude at times. However, it is my go-to response from the 4F bouquet!  And I hate it!!!

I have just bought Pete Walker's audio book on CPTSD and am listening avidly. He goes into this in detail and I'm learning a lot.

Certainly don't berate yourself for this biological response that you developed in childhood to survive. It really isn't your fault ❤️  The good news is that once we recognize an aspect of our inner lives, we are then in the position to work on it. I'm looking forward to Pete's chapters on healing the fawn response!

All the best.

[tragedy or hope]

I too respond in a childlike cheerful known as "plesant" manner particularly with medical people.
Traumatized as a child at home by a raging mother... and in an elevator with nuns in black habits at 5, alone, screaming for my mother, only to be "smothered" by an ether mask in minutes.

Waking up alone, in pain in a hospital bed. A simple tonsillectomy turned into a lifelong misery. Terror is not easily erased.

How do you undo that stuff? I have spent a lifetime being "pleasant" instead of adult like when I should have been.

Don't shame yourself. Many of us are out there. I for one appreciate your ability to identify this in yourself. It helps me. I like what has been recommended. That too helps me.

[Wilderhearts]

I certainly concur with Boatbabe's "Fake it til you make it" approach.  Sometimes we have to practice things before we really understand them - like little kids learning to talk.

Certainly don't berate yourself for this biological response that you developed in childhood to survive. It really isn't your fault

Yes, 100%.  My trauma therapist used this approach of recognizing and valuing my survival mechanisms to help me heal from them.  It taught me to recognize how adaptive my mind and body are, how capable I am of developing ways of being and coping, rather than being distraught over my way of coping no longer being what I need.