Can you be Emotionally Unavailable through Circumstance

[CapeStorm]

My mother does not remember the name of the University I went to for my M degree!

She does not remember the area I got my PhD in!

She does not remember what type of epilepsy I have!

When I talk about her being emotionally unavailable to me as a kid the retort is that as a single parent she was too busy trying to financially support us. It was, she argues, the very opposite of neglect.

How should I understand this situation?

[Danden]

Hi Capestorm,  I think that yes, there is some truth in this idea.  I have often thought about this with  my own parents.  We came to the US as immigrants, and they were both very stressed by this life circumstance.  They both worked extremely hard and had little to no time for family.  I think that in any family with these circumstances, children may grow up with unmet needs.  But there was an added factor in my mother's case, in that she did not handle this stress very well.  It always came bubbling over and landing mostly on me.  A lot of it landed on my father as well.  Children don't really understand the difficulty of working every day, paying a mortgage and raising children.  They just want to be happy and I think will adapt to their circumstances, whatever they may be.  So they are not looking to the parent necessarily for material things, but it is nonetheless a big responsibility for the parent to carry. 

I have also thought about this because in my own life I was fortunate to be able to stay home with my kids and work part time in my profession.  The primary reason I did this is because I did not want to add too much stress into my family life.  I'm sure I would have been more stressed, and had less time for my children, had I worked full time.  This is also considering my husband has a demanding, more than full-time job.  Also, if I had been working I would have relied on my M for child care, and that would be another big source of stress brought into my family life.

That said, the fact that she does not remember your university, subject of study, or type of epilepsy you have does seem odd at the least.  I have to say though, that it sounds like things my M might say to me (I also have a PhD).  She is in her 80s and it may be due to age.  With her, I think she is just not interested in me or my life, and she is not proud of me.  She resents me for my accomplishments, because they make her feel inferior.  She also doesn't value education or professional achievement.  So she just puts those things out of her mind.  What really matters to her is that she gets what she wants out of me.  Other things don't matter to her so she doesn't have to remember them.