Healing is to admit we’re broken

Concerned One · October 10, 2020, 11:44:21 PM

If you were to ask my dysfunctional family what they would do to improve themselves I'm pretty sure they'd answer there is nothing that they'd improve. They'd say they are fine exactly as they are.

This is their main problem, it's what keeps them perpetuating their behaviour and ultimately what makes them sick: their inability to admit that they are broken. That they are human.

Whole religions have been devised and designed to explain how a perfect creator could create such flawed beings (original sin).

This place is like a hospital and the only reason we're here is because we have admitted we are sick. That's half the battle won already.

I can't tell you what a relief it is to be able to admit that I'm not perfect. That as a human I'm subject to powerful and overwhelming emotions and as such I'm going to make mistakes.

Pity the poor celebrity, political leader, therapist etc who has a public image to preserve who cannot make such admissions lest they be perceived as human.

Take care.

treesgrowslowly · October 13, 2020, 07:19:12 AM

Thanks for posting this.

The people who come to this site know that painful experiences can end and what was broken can be fixed. But we are all surrounded by people...people in our lives who don't want to do any of this reflection. People who will stay in the fog.

They don't want to think about any of it. Their denial is something they will always deny. They do not want to go to therapy appointments they don't want to read about mental health they don't want to learn about it. Like you said they believe they know it all. Its a delusion. A powerful one.

Seeing how thin their desire for a better relationship with us really is can be so awful. They acted like they wanted these things but when you put their behaviors together it is plain to see. They just want to be enabled to stay the same and not grow up.

If you don't want to enable them - then you are the problem.

At best maybe some folks here have one or two family members who are tired of the drama but usually those people don't defect once the PDs and FMs remind them of their allegiance to the dysfunctional flock.

Sometimes getting Out of the FOG and we see how many people want it both ways. They want an end to the misery of narcissism but they also want to feel close to those they grew up with. It holds a lot of people back.

At least here on this site we can talk about our progress.

Trees

Hepatica · October 13, 2020, 08:32:39 AM

I find this so hard. I have a bit of a no nonsense personality and when I see things that don't make sense I always think, time to seek help. I saw patterns of unhealthy behavior in myself in my early twenties. I picked abusive boyfriends and after the second time I went for help about why I did that. To be fair, I always wonder if having Oprah as part of my growing up experience, how she opened up about her painful childhood, gave me courage to seek help. She was the only person I'd ever seen who modelled that.

Sometimes I think it's a generation gap, other times I realize no, my uNPDparents have a fixed mindset and a disorder. There was a sort of 'don't talk about things and therefore they don't exist' mindset, a sort of carry on, don't dwell and this was perceived as strength. Love, as well, seemed like weakness to them. In the end I think they are terribly fragile people built up on old ideas that no longer and never worked but they've held on to them as the world around them evolved. Unfortunately now their unwillingness to heal themselves has gone over the top. They live in a world of pain and addiction and they will not take responsibility for seeking their own healing and peace of mind.

Asking for help has changed my life for the better. I wish they had done it at some point but they refused every opportunity. If my uNPDf asks me why I have distanced from them, I really want to say, "when are you ever going to take responsibility for anything?" I want to say that but I'm too scared of his counter attack on me bc that is their pattern, to destroy anyone who challenges the pain they have chosen.

treesgrowslowly · October 14, 2020, 09:19:22 PM

I agree. We get to a point where we realize that if our uNPD parent hasn't taken responsibility for their mess by now, we can't expect them to ever do it. Asking them why is like asking a child why are they still a child? Or asking a bike why are you a not a dog? A PD is just a PD. That is who they are and that is who they will be.

I just don't believe my NPD parent will ever take responsibility for being a PD and there is no money in the world someone could offer me to ask my PD parent why are you like this?

I am not here to deal with their abusive reaction to that question. Why put myself through more of their abuse?

We already know the answer. And they don't.

Your post made me realize a lot. I used to fear their reaction as well. But now I don't think its just fear of their reaction. i wonder if it's also knowing that their reaction has nothing to do with us. Like you said , their pain is theirs. And they really don't understand it.

Trees

Jolie40 · October 15, 2020, 02:41:31 AM

yes, Oprah helped me, too!

after one of her shows, I read a book on toxic parents & then it all started to make sense

Hepatica · October 15, 2020, 07:05:19 AM

Oh wow Jolie40!! Oprah is a trailblazer! I have much to thank her for. I think her example was a bit of a life rescue for me.

blacksheep7 · October 22, 2020, 08:22:40 AM

Quote from: Hepatica on October 15, 2020, 07:05:19 AM
Oh wow Jolie40!! Oprah is a trailblazer! I have much to thank her for. I think her example was a bit of a life rescue for me.

Oprah was the one I looked up to as well since I could not depend on my NM. I still remember many of her simple quotes that had value, some from Maya Angelou.

Love does not hurt.
When a person shows you who they are the first time, believe it.

guitarman · October 22, 2020, 10:24:02 AM

Concerned One I like to say now that "I care, but can't cope".

I'm learning to look after myself more, to put my needs first. It's OK to do that. It's not selfish, it's survival.

My physical and mental health have been impacted by years, well decades, of abuse. I didn't even know that what I was experiencing was abuse. I was so used to it. I now call my uBPD/NPD sister "my abuser". I have learnt not to minimise what has happened and is still happening.

By telling our stories we learn from and support each other through some very difficult times. By helping others we help ourselves.

It may take a long time to find and receive the right help. It may take a long time to get on a road to recovery and acceptance of the situation and to realise that you can't change anybody else, you can only change yourself and how you react.