Lost partner to enmeshment?

[Exhausted]

I am brand new here, however, while doing research; I found this post.
You are certainly not alone. I wasn't married to mine. He "lived" with me for 2 months. Stayed by my side the entire time I was in the hospital (a week) and slept in a chair. I was let out the Sunday before thanksgiving. He left the hospital and never returned home to me. His mother had called him while he was there and he left. Asked me if I could find my own ride home. Fast forward, we have been on again, off again. I realize he stays away unless I'm flirty, or mention any form of sex. I have hard boundaries around sex, you have to spend the night... which he no longer does. He left our relationship in February, Refused to see me for 2 months. However, he would talk to me daily. He is a very anxious person to the point he literally chews his finger til they bleed, not his nails, his actual fingers. He pulls his hair literally out of his head and he is going bald. He tells me he loves me, but he is in therapy and is trying to divorce his mother, (she wants no other woman in his life) work on his emotional issues and figure them out. Yet, he can't let go. He STILL lives with her. I am enabling him by continuing to placate him, and make more excuses for him.... and talking to him. I know his secrets and his pain... we do have a good connection, (most days anyway lol) but, mom is a narc and he is also. I do believe he is trying to overcome it... but I do believe it's over for him and I for good. Oh, he is in a MSW course to be a therapist.  This hurts and I don't know what to do. I try to be understanding and patient, but I am ready to live life and not sit in this house alone with the dog like I have in the past two years. He told me so many times, he wanted to make me his wife. .... now he's embarrassed for anyone to even know about us at the stage we are at. We just came back from a beautiful weekend get a way. He told me he wanted me forever, While we were there, he told me I was his. I was elated thinking we were back together. To later find out he used those word to have sex knowing I wouldn't if we weren't in a relationship. We did the weekend just to see if we could still connect emotionally. It was if we never separated. 
My head is spinning. I love him, I want to be with him, but she's gotta go and I don't think we will ever be together. He likes to keep me on a string.

[bloomie]

Exhausted - I want to welcome you to Out of the FOG. I see your post was posted on the end of an inactive thread from 2017 and that you are not getting the support and responses you would get, so I moved this post to a your very own thread on The Welcome Mat.

What painful cycle you are in with this former partner. What a broken and toxic connection he has with his mother. My heart aches for you and I can only imagine the confusion and chaos the emotionally manipulative ploys for intimacy must bring to you. I am so sorry you are facing this.

There is a mantra I learned when coming here that came to mind immediately as I read through your post... it is called the 3 C's and it goes like this: "I didn't cause it, I can't cure it, I can't control it." So good, So true, and So helpful to recenter ourselves and begin to shift our focus to what we can cure, control, and change and that is always and only ourselves.

Learning about breaking unhealthy bonds with unhealthy people - I've learned to call them trauma bonds or unhealthy soul ties - has been so important for my own disengaging from an endless cycle of Narcissistic Abuse - Idealize, Devalue, Discard.

Here is a great article that has been really helpful to me that outlines this common pattern and sticky web we can get lured out on with a person who doesn't seem able to actually value us and treat us with respect: https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/idealize-devalue-discard-the-dizzying-cycle-of-narcissism-0325154

A bit of help understanding trauma bonds as well is found here: https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/what-is-trauma-bonding.htm

We have a board specifically for those who are separating from a suspected personality disordered partner where you will find encouragement and support. You are not alone and reaching out here takes courage. I am really glad you did.

I hope to see you back soon and that you find the group as much of a help in moving your life forward as I have!