If you're struggling with gaslighting and trusting your feelings....

[Psuedonym]

Hi there,

I know many of you struggle with the idea that, well maybe your parent doesn't have a PD or maybe it's not that bad. Maybe its your fault, etc. Etc. That lifetime of gaslighting and denial that there couldn't be anything wrong with them and there must be something VERY wrong with you to think that is a tough one to get past.

You know I love Les Carter and am always referring to his videos, but I thought this one was especially effective because its so cut and dry: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OnSsx8ifAH8

Five months after Negatron died I find myself sometimes thinking, was she really that bad? Is my memory flawed? Watching this video I realized, nope, she was about as disordered as it gets. Hope this helps somebody out there!

[Hepatica]

Thanks Psuedonym,

I have been struggling on and off with wondering whether I am being too hard on my family. Yesterday I had very specific memories of my uNPDfather being kind to me. On a trip where I travelled in Europe following post-secondary school, I ran out of money and he paid for my flight home. He never asked for the $$ back. He also said to me that he was proud of me and that I had grown up quite a bit because of my post-grad travels. He said my independence was a good thing. It was really the only time I recall him noticing me and saying something directly to me that seemed decent. I keep wondering why he changed that way and I find this confusing. It sits side by side with a lot of pain though. How he struck out and hit us (my sister and I) when he became irate along with other behaviours when he was cruel, like psychoanalytical comments anyalyzing me and saying I was weak and sensitive.

I am a bit confused about it all. Sometimes I wonder if PD'd people can have stages in their lives when they don't exhibit the symptoms as much or at all. My parents seemed to be bad during the time they parented us, but chilled out when we became adults, until they moved into their sixties and then the difficult symptoms returned.

[SunnyMeadow]

Five months after Negatron died I find myself sometimes thinking, was she really that bad? Is my memory flawed? Watching this video I realized, nope, she was about as disordered as it gets. Hope this helps somebody out there!

Good video! I watch Dr Carter every morning as I'm getting ready to start my day. He's so calm, even tempered and makes me wish I had him for a dad.

I sometimes do the "is she really that bad", especially like now when she's in a cheerful place. It's like someone kidnapped her and replaced her with a nice mom. I know it won't last.

All I have to do is read my old posts and a few of her horrendously long emails and I remember what a @#$%& she is 90% of the time!

[Blueberry Pancakes]

I do like that Les Carter video. Thanks for posting. Yes, I struggle sometimes with wondering if I am too hard on my parents especially as they are elderly and more than ever will be unable to change any of their mindset about the family.
   
What always brings me back to reality is trusting my gut instincts that lead me in a direction away from them, and the inner peace that came after ward. The sense of well being I now have in my life is what lets me know I am doing what is right for me.  These videos are good validation though especially when the behaviors were not always that overt and also when we still feel love for them. Thanks.   

[lightworld]

I know many of you struggle with the idea that, well maybe your parent doesn't have a PD or maybe it's not that bad. Maybe its your fault, etc. Etc. That lifetime of gaslighting and denial that there couldn't be anything wrong with them and there must be something VERY wrong with you to think that is a tough one to get past.

You know I love Les Carter and am always referring to his videos, but I thought this one was especially effective because its so cut and dry: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OnSsx8ifAH8

Five months after Negatron died I find myself sometimes thinking, was she really that bad? Is my memory flawed? Watching this video I realized, nope, she was about as disordered as it gets. Hope this helps somebody out there!

Thank you so much for this  Pseudonym I had not come across him before. The video is so clear about the key aspect of narcissism - lack of responsibility, and how it shows up in their behaviour. Everything from denial of wrongdoing to lack of values and respect for others and it is so well described with examples. 

It's certainly reassuring to me. After many years of struggling Out of the FOG and now having minimal contact with NF I still get doubts especially when he's being nice to me because I've done something for him.

[Sneezy]

Thank you, Pseudonym - I so appreciate your recommendations. Thanks to you, I am also a Dr. Fox fan (pretty sure you are the one who recommended his YouTube talks).  This is so timely. I've been VLC with my Histrionic MIL for a few years now, and was starting to feel a little guilty, like maybe I should call or visit. My own mom has been downright pleasant for the past few weeks, and I was just starting to get that voice in my head telling that maybe she *is* just a sweet misunderstood little old lady  But I have to remember to keep the boundaries and medium chill in place with both mom and MIL because we all know how quickly things can turn.

[nanotech]

Yes I think it's the regular intermittent rewards they give us. That behaviour kept us in the FOG for a long time.
My parents often 'came through' in a crisis. 

I would think how lucky I was to have them.

Twice in my life I was being given the silent treatment for months until it was broken by a trip to a&e.  One was a bike accident, the other was illness. Both times, they rallied round as soon as they knew.
In the first case they told me off for not letting them know until a week after the accident. ( um, you weren't speaking to me?')

But then 11 years later I was shunned again
in just the same way. ( they disapproved of my choices re career and re my husband). So they don't learn by their mistakes. I think that's a true indicator of a PD. They just repeat the same, over and over.
But if you think about it, when we are in need like that it straightaway puts them into the rescuer role. That's a buzz of supply for them.

[Hepatica]

nanotech,

I think that's it. You're exactly right.

But if you think about it, when we are in need like that it straightaway puts them into the rescuer role. That's a buzz of supply for them.

I didn't begin to get really weird feelings until I hit my forties and started to have more confidence. Sharing anything successful thing with them made their masks slip. Me getting full-time work meant they began to ask me for money. Getting recognition on an art project I was working on, made them go quiet, as if ignoring me would keep me in the lower realms where I was meant to stay - childlike and insecure and... needy.

So I knew never to bring anything up with them that looked like a success. But lo and behold, if I was ever struggling my father loved that. It gave him supply and something to do. You're right. He could spin the drama and feed the toxic family beast and make himself look like a hero for running in for the rescue.

Success and independence have always been a threat in my family. In other families they want this for their children and siblings. In mine the underlying message is: be weak so you'll always need us and stick around.

[Hilltop]

Thanks for the recommendation Nanotech, I'll definitely check it out.  This is a big one for me, I still struggle with it.  Thank you.