Feeling The Fog about Grandmother

[lotusblume]

My dear old narcissistically inclined/boundaryless/smothering/bpd/hoarding/engulfing/enmeshing and emotionally manipulative martyr of a grandmother has been stalking my business account, which I know I can ban her from, but I have not had the heart to do.

I haven't spoken with her in over a year, since she utterly betrayed me, guilt tripped me, flying monkeyed and shamed me over not caving into my parents. I understand that she is extremely unhealthy emotionally and does not see the error of her ways, completely unself aware.

I was another extension of her as her granddaughter, apparently I looked like her, and our birthdays are close. We were very close, we used to talk on the phone, and I now realize had an unhealthy and enmeshed kind of bond, however I always felt loved by her (albeit, in the last two years I realize I was more smothered and it was about her needs).

I had my final straw with her and stopped taking her incessant calls, and she gave me the silent treatment for a long time, which was great. One day she asked if I was mad at her, and maybe I should have taken the opportunity to be clear, but I did not respond. My emotional state was too fragile then.

Now, since she is quite old and I would like to find out how she is doing because of the current virus, and last time I checked she was in a home, and I am no longer in touch with any other food since her son (my favourite uncle) called me a disgrace and banished me from the family unit.

But I feel the pull, to see if she's okay. When I think of all the elderly people dying in LTC and the horrific isolation and indignity they are dealing with, I feel terrible about this. And I'm not talking with my own grandmother, who may be very scared and lonely. I don't know. I know the rest of my FOO will be there, and she will be taken care of by them, but her hoovering little hearts on my posts is causing me to think more about her (which of course it is designed to do). I know and accept she does not have the emotional maturity to ever understand what caused me to back away, and it goes beyond her actions with me, but the intergenerational legacy of trauma and dysfunction I needed to observe from afar.

I would like to say hello in a way, but I don't know if I can do so without confronting her, and if I even should at this point. And second, is that if I open that door, which has been closed and my life full of peace and silence, will certainly escalate a whole new series of flying monkeys, hoovering, harassment, and insane amount of contact. It's truly and all or nothing super enmeshed gang mentality. And third, I know she, despite how she initially told my husband she loved him (never having met him lol) and being very happy I was in a relationship, supportive until the blow out with my parents, I'm sure she now believes it's because of HIM that I'm NC (the family smear campaign). And just thinking of that, when I love my husband so much and am fiercely protective, makes me fume.

I'm not really sure what else to say, I just needed to let it out. Thanks for listening and please feel free to share your own stories. Best to you all in these difficult times.

[Penny Lane]

I'm sorry! This is not easy. There is not a wrong answer here.

You don't have an obligation to her. She made choices that led to this schism between you. It is very likely that if you do reach out, it'll be more of the same. Maybe an immediate blowup or maybe her behavior will start good and degrade. Either way I don't think she's likely to respect your boundaries. And yet, sometimes we have to do it to KNOW.

It sounds like you really don't want to reach out. I support that! I think the easiest way to ensure that happens would be to block her.

Either way, I'm sorry that this is bringing up bad feelings.

[practical]

This is really hard, you are a caring person and it is wonderful at the same time it is your Achilles Heel, because it can be used to your detriment. It seems she has your FOO to look after her as much as this is even possible right now. Which brings me to my suggestion: Play out what it would actually mean "knowing how she is"? Does it mean you would call her regularly? Does it mean exchanging emails, sending cards? What would your boundaries be (never mind whether she respects them)? What would you learn from contact with her? Would you actually learn the truth or would you get a giant guilt trip and drama? And would any form of contact truly make you feel better? You do know she is still alive as she keeps posting those little hearts. Would you be able to make a difference to her given her PDishness and the current pandemic? Would a call by you truly change anything for her? What would it do for you? Would it make you feel better shortterm and longterm?

uPD-F is NC with me, he is in his late 80s and in AL. I know he is still alive because I haven't heard otherwise. When he went NC he had a family friend looking after him, I don't know whether that is still the case. There are times when I think about him, how the restrictions must affect him, as being locked in is psychologically really bad for him. The question I ask myself is: What could I change about his situation? I cannot make the pandemic go away, and I cannot fill the void inside him. I tried the latter for many, many years, was close to him as enmeshed, dutiful, loving daughter. When I stopped being dutiful & enmeshed daughter he went NC. I cannot change his situation, because I cannot change who he is. I still love him, it just has to be from afar.

[Adrianna]

I haven't seen my grandmother since November of last year. She's in a nursing home and when I visited her that first and only time, she told me that I don't care about her, I put her there to die, I got what I wanted and after I walked out of the room to leave, I heard her say in a low tone "Go to h***.  I stopped in my tracks in the hallway, turned around, walked back into the room and asked her if she actually said that. She said yes. I said I care about you but I'm not going to tolerate this.

She had been diagnosed with dementia, so hard to tell what is that and what was the pd. This is a woman who had been emotionally abusing me and others for many years. Her behavior was off the rails by the time she was admitted to the nursing home though. Wailing, whining, acting out, suicide threats, possible self harming, dramatic displays for attention.

Unlike your case, I am her closest family. She has a nephew and his wife who used to visit (and who had done a lot for her), however their visits were unproductive as she ignored them then demanded to be sent home with 24/7 servants. Not a productive visit for them. They gave up then the pandemic happened.

I do call occasionally for an update. I have spoken to her on the phone probably twice. Yesterday they called since she had a minor fall and I found out she's calmed down and the new meds are helping. I truly think if she saw me it would not help, and staying away is the kindest thing I can do for her and for myself. She occasionally calls my father but that's the only contact she has I guess, my father the one who told me many years ago she was my responsibility and hadn't seen her in person in probably 5 years.

She has one child, my father. He has one child, me, and I have one child, my son who I have tried to keep out of this dysfunction and tried to teach him boundaries. There is no extended family involved. She had burned enough bridges with others who had cared, neighbors, extended family, etc do not reach out, as they will just get guilt trips and nasty attitude from her if they do. She has no visitors but being cared for which is what matters. Also remember they aren't truly "alone". There are plenty of other residents and staff there they can connect with.

The lady at the nursing home said a lot of them don't have visitors right now due to the pandemic. Visits are restricted, need a appointment etc. so she's not the only one.

Not sure if this helps you but listen to your intuition and do what's right for you. You have to look out for your own well-being. I know for me to resume contact with her would set me back in on my healing journey and wouldn't help her either. Sometimes the kindest thing we can do for them and for US is to love them and wish them well from afar, away from their damaging presence. If your gut is telling you to stay away, listen to it. I truly believe it's our Divine internal guidance system and it's there to protect us. It should not be ignored.