I suspect my boyfriend's housemate has a PD

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Boat Babe

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I suspect my boyfriend's housemate has a PD
« on: October 13, 2020, 04:31:14 PM »
My boyfriend has a new housemate and I think she is disordered. She is a complete drama queen, arriving home every day with stories of arrests, friends dying and general insanity,  appears to lie constantly and verbally  bullies her best friend in front of us. She is now trying to make me her bestie, asking me to visit her, at his house, but not him! That is clearly not going to happen. She also gets touchy feely with him when I'm there (he doesn't respond) and I have ignored it as it's not coming from him. So for me it's red flag city.

What I don't know is how to approach this situation. It's difficult to say to someone that their housemate is potentially disordered and they should be careful. Neither do I want him to be harmed by this.  It's not my immediate problem, but I care for this guy and don't want to see him have problems.

Any ideas? Thanks guys.

« Last Edit: October 13, 2020, 04:37:53 PM by Boat Babe »
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Thru the Rain

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Re: I suspect my boyfriend's housemate has a PD
« Reply #1 on: October 13, 2020, 05:14:21 PM »
The fact that she gets "touchy feely" with him at all, let alone in front of you is a huge red flag.

That might be a way to approach the conversation. Something like "I feel uncomfortable when she does xyz" whatever it is. Since your boyfriend doesn't react, he may also be uncomfortable with this too and doesn't know how to ask her to stop. I'm picturing the kind of oozing, icky arm rubs and casual touches. I've seen that sort of behavior in the workplace, and usually the male target looks like a deer in the headlights - not sure if he should say anything, or if that will make things worse.

And the drama! Maybe practice some gray rock - polite but completely unengaged with her drama. Maybe if you're just too boring (in her eyes) she'll look for greener pastures for her audience.

Also, I'd be very careful about introducing her to any of your friends or family. I don't know her personally, but she seems like she might start causing drama for you and about you if she latched onto people who are important in your life. I've read stories on this site of people who watched their friend group hijacked by one disordered person - with no good results.

You may also have your radar up about what she's saying to your boyfriend about you when you're not there, or what she's saying about both you and your boyfriend to other people. That may be another avenue to start a conversation. "Housemate always seems to have negative stories about other people. I'm worried what she says about US when we're not in the room". And based on my own experience, if they'll gossip and lie TO you, they'll gossip and lie ABOUT you.

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Boat Babe

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Re: I suspect my boyfriend's housemate has a PD
« Reply #2 on: October 13, 2020, 06:24:12 PM »
Thanks Thru. Good advice.  I'll grey rock the hell out of her and keep her away from my friends.  Cheers!
« Last Edit: October 13, 2020, 06:26:02 PM by Boat Babe »
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clara

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Re: I suspect my boyfriend's housemate has a PD
« Reply #3 on: October 15, 2020, 12:32:22 PM »
Sounds like she's already engaging in some button pushing.  She's looking for your trigger points, so yeah, really gray rock the entire situation.  That will probably make her try harder, because her love for drama doesn't stop at the front door, but they get nothing when you give nothing.  If she starts making stuff up just in order to grab attention, it will be pretty obvious. 

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GettingOOTF

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Re: I suspect my boyfriend's housemate has a PD
« Reply #4 on: October 15, 2020, 04:09:59 PM »
There are some red flags here. I would Grey Rock and also discuss relationship boundaries with your boyfriend.

Over the course of my marriage women were touchy-feely with my ex. He never did anything to discourage it and I thought I was over reacting as he was a friendly guy who didnít like to upset people. Turns out he was having sex with them.

Iím not saying this is the case here but itís something to be aware of. Of course it happens and some people do simply have no boundaries but in general when a woman is physical with a man itís because they have reason to believe itís wanted.  The fact that sheís doing this in front of you is to me a big red flag. Sheís marking her territory so to speak and sending a very clear message.

To me this is a kind of boundary violation that I no longer stand for from men Iím intimate with.

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Boat Babe

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Re: I suspect my boyfriend's housemate has a PD
« Reply #5 on: October 15, 2020, 05:30:44 PM »
I am pretty sure he isn't at all interested in her, for lots of different reasons. She might be trying it on with him when I'm not there but if so there's nothing I can do about it and must trust him to be straight with me. I would be very surprised if he let that happen as he's a very honest guy (I've known him for years as a friend and know one of his exes who doesn't have a bad word to say about him)

I just see trouble ahead with interminable drama at his house. And she's already behind with the rent, which he mentioned in passing. He's a grown man and will have to deal with it himself at the end of the day.

Not my circus, not my bloody monkeys  I've decided!
« Last Edit: October 15, 2020, 05:33:29 PM by Boat Babe »
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Free2Bme

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Re: I suspect my boyfriend's housemate has a PD
« Reply #6 on: October 15, 2020, 07:53:04 PM »
Oh...hell no. 

I certainly agree with input from GOOTF & clara, this sounds like a train wreck about to happen to me.

IMO~
A whopping dose of grey rock for her and I'd kindly tell BF, "love ya, but I'm not gonna be around that,", and offer alternatives to hanging out at his place.

Then I would just observe.

She will likely break house rules, or habitually late on rent, or something to indicate that she is not a good housemate.  Maybe you can express concerns about these red flags to BF if you find the right moment.

Good luck!