I'll be seeing her tomorrow...

[freedom77]

The apartment people finally called, and have a unit available for my BPD/N mother. If you've read some of my previous posts then you may be familiar with my ongoing saga of finding sustainable housing for her. She's been absolutely horrible.

She sends texts, voicemails and emails to my blocked box, which I was being really good about not reading them. But when the apartment lady called, I sent mother an email letting her know there was a unit available for her and for her to take a cab over there to do the application straightaway.

She emailed back her shock that I would expect her to take a cab. Why can't I take her myself? Mind you I have not seen her since Feb (despite living one mile away) or verbally spoke to her. I really was hoping to do this deal without having to be in direct contact with her. It appears that won't be the case.

I told her via email, flat out, that if she wanted the apartment she would need to take a cab over there (roughly 5 miles and under 10 bucks cab fare) and do the application asap or else the chance will go to someone else. And I reminded her this is her last chance at sustainable housing.

She sent a bunch of nasty emails saying she hopes my "fat ass is homeless" someday. She knows I'm sensitive about my weight as I've gained a lot due to health problems and medications. And she hopes I suffer horribly and am all alone someday. She then stated she didn't want the "stupid apartment" anyways, she'd rather rent a studio she saw an advertisement for. Mind you those studios have been around forever, and rent to riff-raff, are poorly managed, and they can raise the rent anytime they want.

The whole point of this apartment I've been trying for almost 2 years to get for her, is that it's under a tax-credit program, and therefore the rent is fixed. All the Section 8 and public housing units have been long gone due to  everybody being poor and homeless. This program only offers about a half dozen rent reduced apartments and they don't raise the rent higher than a certain percentage of your income. The point being she won't end up homeless. She won't be outpriced on rent. Her rent will never be more than x amount of dollars a month. The studio apartment she's in now raises the rent every summer, and is now dangerously close to meeting or exceeding her monthly disability check. It's one increase away from putting her on the streets.

I know people have wisely advised me (on here too) of not wanting something for someone more than they want it for themselves. I do that a lot. But for some reason, maybe it's foggy, but I feel I can rest better knowing I got her in a place that is secure. If she fucks it up afterward and ends up homeless, well alrighty then. Nothing more I can do.

In fact, my plan is to get her in there, and then truly, once and for all, go NC.  I'll rest well knowing I at least got her in another rent controlled apartment, and from there it's up to her to keep it. She had the perfect set up years ago, a true blue public housing apartment that we moved into when I was in junior high. She could still be there, but stupidly moved out, and has been struggling with secure housing ever since.

Well what a hard time she's given me. Aside from the hateful nasty emails, she dopes out on me. Claiming she didn't see my email for the time she was to meet the lady yesterday. The lady waited for her and took a late lunch on account of it. The lady called me wondering where mother is. Mind you, I'm at work taking care of patients, and trying to negotiate this unit for her.  So today she takes a cab, and fills out the application, but doesn't bring half of the required papers she was supposed to. Nevermind that I emailed her a detailed list of what she'd need to bring, but again...didn't read it, didn't see it, didn't know....I have no doubt this is deliberate.

Giving me a hard time is more important than secure housing. She's petty like that.

So now, the lady emails me today at work again, and said that she needs those missing documents or mother risks losing out. So tomorrow, my day off, I'm going to go pick mother up, and drive her around to collect the documents she can't seem to find. Now because of COVID, government offices are closed except for appointments. Well we don't have time for that, we need the proof of income papers from disability now. I know mother gets these mailed to her each year, but she couldn't find it (which sounds oddly untruthful, as she keeps EVERYTHING).

She also needs bank statements, but doesn't know how to get those online. Yet she knew how to go online and remove me from access (I used to handle all this stuff for her until we went NC last Feb). So now she claims I have to drive her to the bank tomorrow and wait to see someone to get the copies. Due to COVID they only let so many people in the bank at a time...

Well I came home from my 15 hour shift and got online and made her an SSA account and naturally they text your phone number a privacy code to access your documents. I used her phone number, not mine, because I don't want to get into any trouble. I text her (I unblocked her just for this one purpose) and tell her that SSA will be texting her a code so I can access her account and get those important papers emailed to her so we can print them out tomorrow.

She had literally just sent me an email about some trivial bullshit with her neighbor. I wait, send her an email, a text...crickets. Well now the code would have expired anyways. Then she sends several emails with pictures of stupid shit, trivial stuff and sends several emails asking me if I have a screwdriver and to bring over any tools I have because she's made a list of stuff I can fix for her while I'm over there tomorrow. Also demands a visit with granddaughter (definitely not gonna happen). No mention of the privacy code, or how we can go about making my day easier tomorrow whilst helping her get apartment. No apology for calling me a fat ass, or her hateful wishes, either.

PDs are maddeningly frustrating to deal with. I have all of zero intention of fixing her stuff on her honey-do list. Tomorrow is about getting that damned apartment and nothing more. DD has told me more and more of the narcissistic abuse she had to endure while I allowed her to visit mother. I want to wash my hands of mother once and for all, but for some reason, and I can't even really conjure or articulate why, but I feel I must prevent her from becoming homeless. I know she'd never make it on the streets.

I really do not like this woman, nor want anything to do with her. My dream is to move DD and me far away, and never have to deal with her or the bad memories ever again. I feel like this apartment is my ticket closer to freedom.

[Boat Babe]

Oh my.  This shows just how pathologically unwell your mother is. She prefers to play games with you rather than cooperate with you to ensure secure housing. Instant supply over long term safety. And if the housing falls through, she'll blame you no doubt.

I get that you want to ensure she is safe and housed. That speaks volumes about your sanity and your goodness. I hope that you can get your mother into this facility and that you can then drop the reins and walk away again.

Time to focus on yourself and DD. ❤️❤️❤️

[Psuedonym]

Hey freedom,

Unfortunately I think your mother understands this too: I feel like this apartment is my ticket closer to freedom. and she's going to blow it up, just like she blew up the last opportunity. And in the interim she has stalked you, called you names, and called your work to cause trouble for you.

I point this out because I think you need to deal with your false belief that you need to rescue/save your mother in order to move on. At this point I think you have spent more time trying to secure a place for her than you have to move yourself and your DD, which was your original plan. And that's the only part of the plan you can change. You can't change your mother or her behavior; she knows that the apartment is what it takes to get you to respond so she's going to keep dangling that out there as long as it works. Believe me, the woman who figured out how to spoof a phone number can figure out how to get an online bank statement. She just prefers making your life miserable because she is a very, very disordered person. Please stop exposing yourself to her toxicity.

[Amadahy]

Hi Freedom!

I'm sorry for all this!  My Nmom lived with me for six hellish months in 2016 and I actually had to evict her from my home!  It was awful -- I helped get her into an assisted care home, but she was so hideously difficult that the caregiver took her to the ER and left her after five months (totally unethical on the caregiver's part and she lost her state license).  The ER called me to come and I refused.  That was the most difficult thing, ever, because my Nmom went to a homeless shelter as the only other option.  I went NC at that time because I was so fraught with C-PTSD symptoms that I couldn't function and had to just be away from her influence to heal.  For five months, Nmom was in a shelter and I was NC.  The shelter, while not a great situation and extremely sad, did offer her some social services and other help.  I would never in a million years have thought that I would "let" my mother be homeless and I still feel horribly sad about it, but I couldn't help it.  She was destroying my own family with her venom, gaslighting, lies, etc. and then ruined her situation at the assisted care home, so I felt like I didn't have a choice.  All to say, I can empathize with your feelings, truly.  Do whatever you need to do to say you did all you could and then please cut yourself a break if it doesn't work out.  There is only so much we can do, sadly, and when we see the potential of what could be (or could have been), it is almost too much to bear.  And, Psuedonym is right .... your freedom is not contingent on your mother's situation.  Please know that if you walk away right now, you would not be a bad person or responsible for her poor choices, but if you do not walk away, please do all you can to mitigate the damage she causes you and DD with boundaries and good self-care.  Best wishes to you and hugs.  xo

[Thru the Rain]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Reading your post, I got a quicksand sensation - like the harder you try to help your M, the more you're getting sucked down into chaos.

I know you're coming at this from a place of duty and being true to yourself, but at some point you may need to throw your hands in the air and drop the rope.

Unless she's legally incompetent, she's responsible for her own papers, her own living situation, her own honey-do list. You don't actually have to do any of this for her.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Yikes. This sounds really awful. I agree with everything Pseudonym wrote. Please do put at least as much effort into getting you and DD moved!

Also this sounds dangerous. Driving your mother around all day? What? You're to the point where you have to be NC. With what you shared you have MORE than enough reason to make that call.

You wrote to your mom get your butt down to the apartment and do what you need to do, last chance. She called your bluff. You are continuing to shield her from the consequences of her bad actions. She's proved to herself you didn't really mean any of it. And I agree, she's learning that this level of escalation is what it takes. She's WINNING. She has you, one on one, with her calling the shots, Go to this bank, this notary, blah blah blah, for an entire day! Sweet supply at last! All those nasty calls and emails finally paid off.

I'm particularly concerned about you driving alone with her. She seems really unstable and your emotions will be, well, not calm.

If you think she'll let you go quietly after a victory like that, heck no. This seems like a giant enabling mistake to me. Please do yourself and your DD a favor and be done with her for real. If making you miserable is more important to her than secure housing, which she's proved over and over again, there is NOTHING you can do to keep her in a secure apartment other than what she wants, which is to move back in with you so she can abuse you whenever she wants. That is her end game, and it's a fight to the death for her.

[freedom77]

Thank you all for the replies...and Amadahy thank you for sharing your story. You too were pushed to the brink. And Pseudonym you're right, my freedom is not contingent on helping her. After today, I care a whole lot less about fulfilling some imaginary obligation. We are not obligated to those who abused, and exploited us for years and years, while we were our most vulnerable.

Well I am absolutely exhausted, even though all I did was drive around for a couple hours. It was draining just having to share space with her, and the realization that PDs are so predictable, yet still capable of shocking you with their nonchalant callousness and utter bullshit they spew. I mean like outright ridiculous lies.

I picked her up and she acted like 8 months of NC had not happened. She saw me pull up and opened her front door and stood there. I stayed in the vehicle indicating I did not intend to come in. She kept standing there, waving furiously at me to come inside. It started already, her uncooperative insistent nature. Finally, she got in the vehicle and immediately plunged into trivial conversation about her neighbors, this and that, and then began peppering me with personal questions, and asking when she was going to see DD again, and asking lots of questions about her. I did a magnificent job of grey rocking. Before we took off, I asked to see her documents, and surprise surprise, she "found" the correct proof of income letters she gets every year from SSA.

We did as exactly as I told her we were going to do. I took her to the bank, which thankfully didn't take long. I waited in my vehicle. Then we went straightaway to the apartments, got that taken care of. A thought occurred to me that it wouldn't be a bad idea to go to the public housing complex of yesteryear and apply there too. It was very close by.

As we drove thru our old homeplace of my teen years, all she could do was criticize. "They look dumpy, boy they haven't kept up with the place, the windows and doors look shitted up...." while thru the pair of eyes I have, they looked just fine, neat and clean, tidy. No junk around, and the windows and doors look absolutely fine. It was like we stepped back in time to 1990 when we moved in there, it looks exactly the same. It's been painted of course, and kept up, but the same shade of brown and tan paint, the same style doors, the laundromat is exactly the same, but it doesn't look aged at all.

She couldn't criticize the other place, because they are brand new construction, but she did criticize their location, the street they're on, how boring the place looks. I just ignored her. I noticed something new. She isn't able to invoke a reaction from me anymore. I just do an internal eye roll, and carry on.

The application for public housing is very lengthy and I was feeling fatigued, so I told her to fill it out at home, and mail it in. She tried arguing with me on why she needs do it, and I explained, as I have before, that the new apartments are nice, but not as secure as true blue public housing. The new place could lose its tax credit, what if the owners are fraudulent and lose their tax credit status , or they sell the place? Real public housing never changes, it is what it is, and you will always have security there.

The waiting list is 2 years for our old public housing complex, better, shorter than I thought. So I told her if she gets the new place, she can live there for 2 years, see how it goes, and then if the real public housing opens up, move there and live out her life there, with continued security of a roof over her head.

At this point, I just wanted to go home. She acts like she's done nothing wrong. Doesn't acknowledge her insults, cruel emails, mistreatment of DD, her ungratefulness. Just acts like everything is peachy keen. When we got to her place, she hesitates before getting out of my vehicle, and asks when I'm bringing DD over to visit. I didn't want to fight because I was tired, and people were around, so I pacified her with "we'll see", but in actuality, never.

Right now I feel like I've donated two pints of blood. Just drained. My eyes are tired and achy. Movie night tonight.

[Psuedonym]

Movies and drinks!! Glad you made it through that ordeal, freedom! I felt tired just reading about it. The gaslighting of pretending that nothing has happened is just so infuriating and bananas. I could see my mother doing exactly the same. You did a great job not reacting to her. Now turn your phone off and relax!

[Thru the Rain]

Glad you made it through the day!

You deserve a nice night, in fact you deserve a whole bunch of nice nights!

[Amadahy]

Aw, Freedom.  You did very well.  I hope you get the rest and recuperation you deserve.  I'd lay low for a while (or forever) because now she thinks y'all are back to the enmeshed relationship. 

[Call Me Cordelia]

 

Yes, you held it together so very well! I'm Stuck to the task at hand. Good on you standing your ground when she was beckoning you to come inside. Oh my gosh that was a power play right off the bat! But you survived and you were strong. You did it. Now take good good care of yourself, because that was majorly hard.

[GettingOOTF]

I'm glad you made it through the day. I'm so sorry for the awful things your mother says to you. It sounds like she has more than a PD going on. I hope you able to distance yourself from her now.

My healing really changed when I finally went NC with my father. It was like such a weight was lifted and I finally felt free to be who I am. It's hard to describe. I hope you are able to experience this freedom too.

[Liketheducks]

I've been through this myself.   I had my mom living wit his for a period of time until it became obvious that it wasn't healthy for anyone.   I'm in real estate and have a few rental properties.   I offered her one of them, her choice of them....free of charge.   She packed a suitcase, eventually all the rest of her stuff- she put into storage.   Then told my brothers and everyone else in our family that I had kicked her out and made her homeless.   She bouncing between my two brothers homes.    None of them speak to me anymore - mom included.    A year ago, she suffered a heart attack while visiting family out of state.    My brothers never showed up.   I opted not to, because when I called to check on her....she just started shouting.    I felt as though speaking with her just upset her more.      The sister-in-laws and I tried to find a sustainable apartment for her......and identified one.    Mom said no.   She'd continue as she had - bouncing around.   
At least my brother and I agree that wherever she chooses to live....she must be the person who chooses.    And, NOT making that choice is a decision itself.    Hang in there.   It's SO hard to be in this predicament.    You're first obligation is to parent and care for yourself......and it's ok to distance yourself from her attacks.

[freedom77]

Amadahy...Oh yes she thinks we're back to her version of "normal". Like nothing has happened, 8 months haven't passed, and naturally, she has done nothing wrong. Like we are just going to re-enmesh, and DD will be coming over, and she'll get the vehicle back and of course, all of it done under her terms.

I just can't fathom how these people's minds work. If I've had a cross day with someone, I re-engage slowly. I don't just barge forth, like nothing's happened, and by the way, we'll be doing it my way. No apology, no acknowledgement of what's happened. I didn't really expect her to, but still, it never fails to make an impression on me. How they work.

Liketheducks...that sounds just like my mother. You offer them options, really nice ones, and they choose something else with the worst possible outcome, and then tell everyone how it's your fault. I lived with my mother for almost a year, and she insists I coldly kicked her out on the street. Like literally threw her out. When in reality, I told her I wasn't renewing the lease and we'd BOTH have to find new places in the next two months before the lease was up. She was the one who reacted badly, screamed she hated me, slammed around. I'm the one who got her a place in the complex where she used to live, and I paid the deposit, helped her pack, did all the boxing for her (because the waif is too delicate to do any such work as that), found and paid a couple guys to load/unload the Uhaul I rented for her, got her utilities turned on, bought her some new stuff for the place, put her furniture back together....yet to hear her version, I put her on the streets.

GettingOOTF I hope I can find true freedom someday to be the real me. I don't know if that'll ever happen, maybe because I don't know the real me, but I do want to be free from abuse, and obligation to those who've abused and exploited me.

[Maxtrem]

I'm really sorry you're going through all this. Yesterday I saw a documentary that reminded me of your story. In the documentary, a psychologist said that sometimes it is good for a person who has experienced abuse to go back to the parent in question so that they can understand who their parent really is once and for all. This would help validate the NC.

I'm not an expert, but I really feel that your mother is not just N/BPD, but rather malignant narc. or has traits of antisocial personality disorder.

[GettingOOTF]

That’s interesting Maxtrem. I think part of the reason I struggle with guilt and fear over NC is that I haven’t accepted my father is the type of person he is. I understand who he is on an intellectual level but I don’t feel it.

What was the documentary?

[Maxtrem]

It's a documentary series about resilient people in my country, the name is My Life, but I don't think it has been translated into English or has international visibility.

I understand who he is on an intellectual level but I don't feel it.

I'm experiencing the same, it seems to be a defense mechanism developed in children who have a c-ptsd according to my psychologist. Intellectual understanding would be less painful than living and feeling the emotions associated with it.