Finally!-ish

[Seven]

This past weekend my mother was having bowel issues. Sis1 from out of town and  I were there Saturday (she came to get mothers dog and take her back to different state permanently), and I was there Sunday trying to determine whether she took too much laxative, trying to get her to drink pedialyte, getting her to eat banana, drink protein shake, get nutrition in her.  She couldn't remember what she took, if she took anything at all, hasn't been taking her medicine that's in a pill box that gets filled weekly.  Then Bro6 picked up watch Sunday afternoon,  took Bro5 to have his brain surgery 5am Monday morning.  By Tuesday Bro6 took her to urgent care where it was determined she was impacted.  Of course they don't do enemas there, so told Bro6 if she can't do it by herself and he won't do it, she'll need to go to ER.  Well she failed, he wasn't doing it ("above his pay grade") he waited just a tad too long and by yesterday morning (5am Wednesday) had to call an ambulance. Luckily she didn't tear any internal organs.

It has FINALLY been determined by the powers that be (the POAs) that my mother can no longer live by herself.  BUT (of course there's a "but"), they won't put her in AL or MC because there's absolutely not one of us available to find a place this suddenly, as Bro5/brain tumor removal, which leaves only me to be at hospital, which of course is one visitor per day.  Bro6 has to get home to get some work done.  Money is the issue too.  Not any of her money was sheltered and she has been doling it out to Bro5 willy nilly, so there's no way she'll qualify for any state aid, so private pay.  Then there's the whole "we shouldn't send her with Bro5 in hospital.  It's not fair to her" and if that was the case, we don't know when he's getting out.  ICU stay has already been extended from 3 days to 7-10 days.  I keep reiterating over and over and over "this is not about what she wants anymore, it's about what she needs" like a broken freaking record over and over and over I keep saying it.  Plus what the woman wants never makes her happy anyway. She is perpetually unhappy.

So anywho Sis2 is hopping a plane today, staying a couple of days, and eventually bringing her back to sunny state, to hopefully stay permanently.

I'm happy this is happening.  It has been a stressful week so far, but as the youngest I'm pissed that no one listened to me for the last 3 years. I feel absolutely unheard, all because I'm the youngest.  Like I shouldn't be knowing the things I know.  I don't think my family makes me purposely feel this way.  I say things that need to get done (she needs to go somewhere else, her $needs to be sheltered, get a geriatric care manager, needs/not wants, etc) but all I got back were "well" and "but". And now of course the shit literally hit the fan (and I mean literally) at the worst possible time when Bro5 has brain surgery, he refuses to do SSDI paperwork, or follow up on housing assistance info I gave him (info that will literally pay his rent for 6 months,, and is unhappy with his sisters because they are making him do things he doesn't want to do.

So yep...that's where I am.  Happy she's getting out of here, stressed the hell out, finally some validation, but still feeling invalidated over the last few years and pretty pissed about it right this second.

[bloomie]

Whew! Seven that is a tremendously full plate you are dealing with as a family.

I am thinking from what you shared that you live close and refuse to be in denial about your mom's needs and choices that are putting her at risk? I can closely relate to the frustration and invalidation you are experiencing when our elderly parent's are increasingly at risk and siblings refuse to deal with it until things become critical.

I hope your brother 5 recovers well and is willing to face the gravity of his situation and the need to comply with things that will help him and that this move for your mother will be a way that brings relief to your heart in time.

I am so glad you shared. Strength and wisdom to you in the coming days.

[Psuedonym]

Hey Seven,

Just wanted to jump in here to say that there are senior living advisors here in the US. The one we worked with was amazing. Basically they're like recruiters for senior living facilities. You don't pay them anything, they get commissions from residences where they place residents. Basically ours did all the leg work, found openings, pricing, etc, and even drove my mother around to visit all the places and arranged the movers (the man was a saint).

Basically he told us that this industry exists because the majority of people make no plans to go to AL and then there's an accident or an emergency and boom! they have to find something fast and have no idea where to start. If you google senior living advisors near me you can read the reviews and maybe find someone helpful. The person we worked was an absolute Godsend and knew far more about all the different facilities than we ever could.

Hope that helps!

[Seven]

Bro5 is actually doing stupendously.  This is his second brain tumor.  The first one was 32 years ago.  He is on no pain meds except at night to help him get to sleep.  Otherwise him being in the hospital is "an inconvenience".  He was 100x worse off when he had his bacterial pneumonia that everyone thought was Covid back in July.  It was that episode that revealed this tumor. 

Getting her to see him in the hospital by the weekend is not going to happen.  Bro6 stepped up and actually told Sis2 it's not really a good idea to bring a 90yo high risk woman to a hospital in general let alone a neuroscience icu ward. And those nurses are strict with only the same visitor daily.  The icu is full of stroke victims. Bro5 is the only one talking, watching tv, moving, so by default he is the ward favorite.

The issue with mom is, when questioned about what she took so we could get her the right remedy, is she is trying to give an answer that is "what we want to hear" and she gets frustrated because she doesn't know what the "right answer" is.  This is one reason why she refused the neuropsychology tests the neurologist wanted to give her. Last week she told Sis1 she took mag citrate.  The next day she told me miralax.  I held up both bottles, one in each hand so she could try to recognize what she took.  I could tell by her fascial expressions that in reality she had no idea what she took, and her answer was made up because she thought it was "the right answer".  Yesterday she and Bro5 were FaceTiming, a question wasn't even asked, and she said "I don't know what the right answer is". Bro5 said "mother, I didn't ask a question"   So basically her mask is slipping with those kinds of statements. She can no longer lie because she can't remember the truth.

I'm glad she's going.  You've no idea the stress weight lifted off my shoulders once I get through Sunday morning when they leave.  And if Sis2 doesn't work out she's going straight to AL or MC, with what funds I don't know.  They'll eventually run out and it will be back to another family member.

[bloomie]

Seven - good to hear your brother 5 is doing so well. And that you will be able to breathe deeply and let the stress go as your mother moves this coming weekend. Compensation is something my own mother was so good until she also could not longer pull it off. Such intense times for you.

[Seven]

Well, they made it to sunny state, and again it's like a huge weight lifted off my shoulders.  Man, she needs to stay there.  I like her much better when she's not near me. 

[SunnyMeadow]

Crossing fingers that she stays in that sunny state!

[bloomie]

Well, they made it to sunny state, and again it's like a huge weight lifted off my shoulders.  Man, she needs to stay there.  I like her much better when she's not near me. 

All the celebration emojiis I could find!