Introducing myself

[Emylou]

  I'm almost 58 years old . CPTSD diagnosis approximately 4 years ago at a time when I was filled with suicidal ideation and hospitalized.  I was sexually assaulted as a child . At the age of 12, I was taken advantage of (to say the least) by a very popular boy.  It was the event that traumatized me the most. It changed my life, giving  me a bad reputation. It was approximately 45 years ago but it has left a permanent psychological scar.  I had zero self esteem.  I don't know why, but I was always pulled back to him, and available.  Any relationship I had after, always questioned me about that one.  I had some really nice boyfriends who would breakup with me after hearing about what happened to me in eighth grade . They always heard about it though other people via gossip and rumors.  It would leave me heartbroken.  Other traumas were the tragic death of a childhood friend, the drowning of an old boyfriend whom I still, and always will love.  I became a binge drinker on the weekends.  I needed the "liquid courage " to be in social situations.  I am An extremely conscientious " people pleaser". Raised by very strict Catholic parents. Next to last in a large family. Never felt good enough.  I became an RN and it became my identity. I worked as an Oncology Nurse giving chemotherapy and then Hospice.  My first marriage was annulled after physical abuse. Second marriage of 20 years was extremely abusive but it was emotional abuse. He is an alcoholic who is in denial.  I wanted, and asked for a divorce weekly, but he manipulated, and gaslighted me.  I had an affair thinking I would be "saved" but it ended with me feeling guilt and shame.  I focused my life on my 3 Children and my patients.  This gave me a purpose.  When I got divorced I  first dated a man who was a Narcissist.  I was humiliated when I found out He was seeing 3 other woman.  Now I am happily married to an extremely supportive husband who I have been with for 11 years. My problems from my past, which have always haunted me, came head on when I could no longer work due to spine issues and pain with fractures.  This put me into major depression. In my mind I no longer had a purpose. My Children has grown and I felt like a burden to my family.  I ended up hospitalized.  I have been on Different antidepressants for years. Searching for " a magic pill".  There is no such thing !  I completed TMS and started EMDR.  I am also an Empath and Highly sensitive person. I am trying now to work on myself.  My younger sister who I felt was always my best friend, is friends with my emotional abusive ex-husband, despite her knowing that this hurts me.  He is a " trigger" for me.  My husband thinks it's because they are drinkers and alcoholics ( I stopped all drinking 5 years ago because it would increase my depression). I have had to let go of my relationship with my sister because she has become "toxic" to me.  She has also brought up my trauma from age 12 throughout my life telling me that it was embarrassing for her😢.  She thinks she is fabulous because her husband has built an empire. In the meantime her children have all had problems with addiction.  The one thing about COVID that has been easy for me is that I don't have to be around these people.  I am currently trying to get though each day with hope and gratitude.

[bloomie]

Hi and welcome. Thank you for trusting us with a bit of your journey. It can't be easy to think through all of the past trauma and losses. I am just so sorry for all you have been through.

I am amazed at your ability to rebuild your life and continue to make positive changes that are bringing you to a healthier place all the time it sounds like. I hope you can see that in yourself. A great deal of grit and resiliency!

I think you are going to find a great deal of validation and support here at Out of the FOG. It seems you are grieving and healing and processing a lot and we have many boards dedicated to different types of relationships where you can share and enter into the conversation and a whole lot of resources for you that will edify and empower you.

The drop down menus above are a great jumping in point and one of my favorite boards offers media resources that the members share and is found here: https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?board=45.0

I look forward to supporting you and seeing you out there on the boards!