Conflicted feelings starting to take a toll

[Happypants]

We are in an area where COVID is rising quickly and are under new tightened restrictions. Last week my mother got taken into hospital, the initial worry being that she'd had a stroke, but diagnosed as a viral infection affecting her inner ear and facial nerve. Unfortunately, she had a fall while in hospital and is now recovering from a hip replacement due to the accident.  My father has been visiting her but we've now been informed that all visiting is cancelled for the foreseeable future due to COVID and her being discharged is understandably dependent on how quickly she recovers her mobility. On the plus side, she is in a room of her own and the hospital are operating at maximum to minimise spread.

Like a good little programmed girl i feel guilty/self-absorbed etc for posting about this, but I'm really struggling to get things straight in my head. I'm terrified for her and worried about how they'll cope when she gets out (father has health issues of his own). My mother has a disability which complicates her recovery to full mobility, and I'm already accepting that within the constraints of COVID restrictions, it'll be me that will be helping them.  But I'm so conflicted, the situation has made me far more resolute in my boundaries knowing that it'll be me expected to help (and i don't mind helping), but i feel so incredibly guilty about it.  I feel cold and heartless about maintaining my boundaries but sick with worry about them at the same time and I'm really struggling to get my head around it.  I know it's a good thing feeling stronger in what i will and wont accept but it's as if there are two completely different parts of me in conflict   
I should say, i do understand on a level why i feel the way i feel and the conflict, but I'm starting to feel extremely depressed, like a part of me is just shutting down and preparing to go into autopilot for what's ahead, almost like a protective mechanism. By default, I'm really lucky in that I'm not inclined towards depression, but I've got a bad feeling that I'm in for some darker times.  I don't have a support network, my OH just doesn't get it (and i dont expect him to) and i don't feel any benefit at all in talking to him about it so I've stopped. I'm trying to get outside for exercise, focus on my dogs, being on hand and offering any help my father needs with anything, distracting myself with things that normally pull me up, but nothing's working.

I've talked to my mother on the phone a few times in hospital, i don't trust her and she knows it. My father guilt-tripped me yesterday for not phoning her yet doesn't expect GC to do much. It's that usual can't-do-right-for-doing-wrong, only the stakes are higher now.  Has anyone else had this experience? A feeling of impending doom where you're terrified for them but know that your involvement with helping may be your complete undoing mental-health-wise?

[bloomie]

Happypants I am really glad you did share and reach out for support. That is a wise and important way to take care of yourself which is in no was selfish and an important part of caring for yourself.

My DH and myself were in your almost exact position a few months ago. An extremely elderly parent, a fall, a fracture that required rehab and after hospital care. And strict restrictions in our area, so only contact by phone while in the hospital.

The very first thing the medical social worker was instructed to ask by the parent was would we be willing to offer 24/7 in our home care for her. 

She would be returning to her home which is completely ADA equipped. Ours is not. Accomodating her changing needs in our home would be quite the production and even still not offer the safety during recovery her own environment does.

By saying we cannot manage this level of nursing and physical therapy rehab care for her in our home, we were able to open up any and all resources available to her in her OWN home and then fill in any needs not met with hired caregivers. Trained professionals all the way around to handle a change in her mobility due to a fall who have the best chance of getting her back to as much independence as possible.

That does not mean we are not called upon to help coordinate her care after discharge with a caregiving team, but it allows us to be her support and keep appropriate balance in what we can do - what is truly ours to do in view of the rest of our lives and responsibilities.

When it is a our parents... especially when there is a great deal of expectation of us - what has helped me to to unhook from the specter of this is to get clear on if I ever agreed to the things my elderly parent and the rest of the family are now EXPECTING of me? To ask if I may be buying into out of a false sense of obligation or guilt or emotional manipulation as I am an empathetic and loving person such as yourself.

I can say with 100% certainty... had I said yes to a request that was not in anyone's best interest of becoming this parent's primary caregiver - even if they were in their own home - it would've wrecked me and completely used me up. And she would've been as fine as she is going to be under the circumstances and I would've done it all wrong and not to her impossible standards. And our relationship which is tenuous at best would've been completely sacrificed in the process.

What I am trying to encourage you in is to ask yourself truly.. what is mine to do here and then be careful to stay within that limit. To give yourself grace and compassion as you think about your response to these needs of your mom. You know what... even highly trained professionals - nurses, physical therapists, home health aids... are not on call to anyone 24/7 and do not allow themselves to be guilted and their boundaries overun.

You cannot rescue them from the consequences of aging even if you gave away every bit of your time, energy, and resources. My parents made no plans to care for themselves and held an unreasonable expectation that I would be the plan. I can be part of supporting them figuring out a plan and that is love. For myself and for them.

Stay strong and keep sharing! We are here for you and get how hard all of this is!

[Happypants]

Bloomie, thanks for your extremely helpful response.  When the pressure is on, the inclination is to react in a purely emotional way without thinking about the implications. My first thought on her recovery was whether they could move in with us. Our house is large enough to accommodate them but not large enough for us not to living in each other's pockets, and the main reason it wouldn't work is that we don't have a shower/bath downstairs. GC did offer as his house would accommodate them in that sense (and he has a great relationship with them) but it would be far too cramped with two kids as well. My parents wouldn't want to put GC and his family to any trouble.

Being the nearest and the scapegoat (a role which I'm gradually shedding) I'm both expected and prepared to help out, but you're right, i really do need to decide what and how much I'm willing to be responsible for in advance as i know that when the chips are down there's still a possibility that my resolve will weaken and I'll do anything to avoid the constant self-questioning of whether I'm being a bad person/daughter/sister etc

I am in absolutely no doubt that if i lent myself to the day to day aspects of caring, even an hour visit would bring pressure to stay longer and countless calls with "updates" and a re-opening of the floodgates of excessive communication - their lives (more specifically her's) would become my responsibility as I'm already expected to be the provider of hour-long phone conversation (one of our family beliefs is that women chatter, men don't - yet i abhor talking on the phone).  I would never be away from them, even when I'm physically away from them.

What has become deeply ingrained in my mind recently is that I'll be wrong no matter what i do, so i have nothing to lose by sticking to what I'm willing and able to contribute.  Bloomie, you've given me a lot to think about.